The Music Has Stopped and You're Still Dancing, Part I

Last night as I closed my eyes and tried to start sleeping, I felt it. That familiar weight on my chest. That feeling like, "What the fuck am I gonna do now??"

At some point as my back began trying to sink into the mattress beneath me, through the pitch black silence of the room, I could start to see the little white bumps spread all over the ceiling. It was strange but they slowly began to multiply in view. A patch of ten turned into 30 and then 30 into 100 and so forth until they were almost blinding. At some point my eyes told my brain, 'Who turned the lights on?'

'Who turned the lights on?' Then I started replaying that line from the movie, I heart Huckabees --- "How am I not myself?" "How am I not myself?" "How am I not myself?" "How am I not myself?"

'Who turned the lights on?'

'Who turned the lights on?'

'Who turned the lights on?'

When exactly did I become 30? I mean, 29 really, but I stopped trying to kid myself long ago. It just continued to dawn on me. I have failed. Those dots on the ceiling, and the way they began to multiply were like my problems. Looking through the darkness, bam there they are. And the more you think about your problems and concentrate on them, the more they seem to multiply. They become more visible and they overwhelm you until you feel them on your chest.

Have you ever been caught cheating on your girlfriend? Like one that you actually loved? Or maybe just that first time you get dumped? Or simpler even... that time you REALLY got in trouble and you were waiting for the punishment. How about the night you realized you were broke and you were gonna lose your house? Or the night you realized that backruptcy was you're only hope? Remember that night your mom told you that she and your dad were splitting?

Does anyone like that feeling? That weight?
Why do we hold onto these things?


I really don't know if I have failed because I am not too sure if I have ever tried. But I will tell you this. I don't ever wanna wake up some day and find out that the music stopped playing years ago and I am still dancing.

The longer I am alive, the more I realize how insignificant life really is. All our glories and accomplishments. All of the things we are scared about and all of the things the we put so much effort into fighting against.... when the last day hits, it won't matter.

Solomon said, "Vanity, it's all vanity!!!!" I agree.

But why be depressed? Life is a wonderful thing. To be alive and to experience breath. To wake up everyday and wonder what the possibilities are. God says, "Life is but a vapor." Indeed it is.

I fear my failures in life and yet, I don't feel like I have failed.
I know I have learned, but I don't feel I have failed.

Answer this question:

What makes you happy?
What wakes you up in the morning?
Why do you even continue to breathe?

I like listening to my dad speak. He just knows way too much and he wants to make sure you get it all in your head. The other night he tells me that my uncle is in debt up his ass and needs to borrow like $20,000 to at least catch up. Given the situation, my dad's advice was, "Stop making payments, file for bankruptcy and enjoy whats left of your life. You have been storing hay in a barn for a horse that died years ago."

We built into a discussion about what life is all about. The empires we try to build and what we define as success.

What is success?
What is a successful life?

hmmm... truly a thought to ponder. TBC.....