Easier said then done
In the past 3 weeks, I have been placed in situations where I felt forced to go to bed angry.
To me, going to bed is my 'sun go down'. The end of the day. Quittin time. Sleepin time.
David, why do you say forced? How does anyone force you to have an attitude?
True. Hell, I am probably being a little bitch about the situation, but still. I don't feel like I get forced to do many things. I am definitely a YES MAN. At my work they call it a kiss ass.
Regardless, I am not afraid to say no. However, in these situations, like the way I feel tonight, I truly feel forced.
In the reality of the situation, I am not feeling forced by another person.... and definitely not a spirit. It is nothing more than my pride. My pride is forcing me to go to bed angry. But don't get it wrong, I am definitely supporting my pride's decision. My pride has every right to force myself into an uncomfortable situation. And as fucked up as that sounds, it makes complete sense to me. In a year, maybe I will read this again and say, "Damn that was dumb!" But today, right now, this makes sense.
My problem is this. I am done being the fall guy. I am done putting my pride to the side and being the one to take the blame. Maybe it's the fact that 90% of the time it IS I who should take the blame. But now I feel like it's become an addiction for both of us. I take the blame for everything and she expects me to take the blame for everything. There is no way around it. But today, I really feel like its time for the both of us to be adults about this.
This morning I was pissed. Right now I am frustrated and disappointed. Strangely, each of these feelings stems from one thing. An apo0logy... or should i say, the lack of. It's all I wanted. An 'I'm sorry. I messed up.' I believe in those. I want to forive those. Hell, I know how it feels to say those. Is it so much to ask for those?
Yet, I find that it is I who must take on the initiative to say those words. And lately, it has been half hearted from my mouth. Because I am not saying it to apologize Rather, I am saying those words to move past the baracade. And as much as I hate it, I will have to do that again tonight or be forced to let the sun go down.... well wait.
I think I am okay here. The sun is going down on my frustration and dissapointment. Thats okay, right? OOp! I remember. Lying in my frustration and disappointment ALWAYS leads to anger. And I will wake up even angrier.
What's worse is. I will become angrier for having to explain my anger. My frustration. My disappointment. I will become angrier for having to explain the wrong that was done toward me as well as the correct apology. Cos there's no worse apology than one that comes from lips that aren't truly sorry. And so the cycle will continue.
So I am left with a dilemma. That dilemma is, put pride aside, take yet another one for the 'team' or let my pride drag me down and go to bed angry. The pathetic thing is, I know even now as I write this, my pride will let its guard down and just apologize. "I am sorry I reacted to you dropping the ball today. I am sorry that your disregard for communication and subtlety caused me to get a little frazzled. I am sorry that I let your choice to be selfish and rude, ruin my day." Only that will come out like this, "I am sorry I overreacted. I was being a jerk. I am maybe just tired and stressed out from work." Even though.... man, fuck that!
Ephesians 4:2 -- Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.
Easier said then done!
1 comment:
Here is unsolicited advice. Please ignore. I'm mostly projecting my own faults onto your post.
It is easier said than done. But as one of your fellow fall guys I have to say that treading the line between compromise to help a situation and compromising yourself is very difficult.
You may have a bigger argument if you tell her how you really feel. But if she doesn't know, there is no way for her to change.
Find a way to tell her gently how it made you feel. Otherwise you will get all bitter like me. And though good for writing, super bad for relationships.
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