Easier said then done... fo sho!

Ephesians 4:26 -- "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.

Easier said then done

In the past 3 weeks, I have been placed in situations where I felt forced to go to bed angry.

To me, going to bed is my 'sun go down'. The end of the day. Quittin time. Sleepin time.

David, why do you say forced? How does anyone force you to have an attitude?

True. Hell, I am probably being a little bitch about the situation, but still. I don't feel like I get forced to do many things. I am definitely a YES MAN. At my work they call it a kiss ass.

Regardless, I am not afraid to say no. However, in these situations, like the way I feel tonight, I truly feel forced.

In the reality of the situation, I am not feeling forced by another person.... and definitely not a spirit. It is nothing more than my pride. My pride is forcing me to go to bed angry. But don't get it wrong, I am definitely supporting my pride's decision. My pride has every right to force myself into an uncomfortable situation. And as fucked up as that sounds, it makes complete sense to me. In a year, maybe I will read this again and say, "Damn that was dumb!" But today, right now, this makes sense.

My problem is this. I am done being the fall guy. I am done putting my pride to the side and being the one to take the blame. Maybe it's the fact that 90% of the time it IS I who should take the blame. But now I feel like it's become an addiction for both of us. I take the blame for everything and she expects me to take the blame for everything. There is no way around it. But today, I really feel like its time for the both of us to be adults about this.

This morning I was pissed. Right now I am frustrated and disappointed. Strangely, each of these feelings stems from one thing. An apo0logy... or should i say, the lack of. It's all I wanted. An 'I'm sorry. I messed up.' I believe in those. I want to forive those. Hell, I know how it feels to say those. Is it so much to ask for those?

Yet, I find that it is I who must take on the initiative to say those words. And lately, it has been half hearted from my mouth. Because I am not saying it to apologize Rather, I am saying those words to move past the baracade. And as much as I hate it, I will have to do that again tonight or be forced to let the sun go down.... well wait.

I think I am okay here. The sun is going down on my frustration and dissapointment. Thats okay, right? OOp! I remember. Lying in my frustration and disappointment ALWAYS leads to anger. And I will wake up even angrier.

What's worse is. I will become angrier for having to explain my anger. My frustration. My disappointment. I will become angrier for having to explain the wrong that was done toward me as well as the correct apology. Cos there's no worse apology than one that comes from lips that aren't truly sorry. And so the cycle will continue.

So I am left with a dilemma. That dilemma is, put pride aside, take yet another one for the 'team' or let my pride drag me down and go to bed angry. The pathetic thing is, I know even now as I write this, my pride will let its guard down and just apologize. "I am sorry I reacted to you dropping the ball today. I am sorry that your disregard for communication and subtlety caused me to get a little frazzled. I am sorry that I let your choice to be selfish and rude, ruin my day." Only that will come out like this, "I am sorry I overreacted. I was being a jerk. I am maybe just tired and stressed out from work." Even though.... man, fuck that!

Ephesians 4:2 -- Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

Easier said then done!

FUCK!!!!

people don't listen...

I don't even have the "work time" in my day to write this, but I need to write it before I go balistic. I feel like not many things anger me anymore, but this shit just got me rank dizzy, head spinny!

What does, "Hang out there for just a sec" mean? I'll tell you what it means, "STAY RIGHT THERE! DON'T MOVE! GIVE ME LIKE 10 MINUTES TO GIVE YOU FUCKING OPTIONS ON HOW WE MOVE FORWARD!"

Am I over reacting. Maybe. But when i have done the same exact freakin thing....ARRRGGGH!!!

That seems to be the trend though.

Guess what kids, I get to ride the bus tomorrow and most likely the next day.

Today he had the whole day open.
Coulda been done today. Tomorrow? No, no and no.

FUCK!

Pleasure

My daddy was workin nine to five
When my momma was havin me
By the time I was half alive
I knew what I was gonna be
I left school and grew my hair
They didnt understand
They wanted me to be respected as
A doctor or a lawyer man
(but I had other plans)


Gonna be a rock n roll singer
Gonna be a rock n roll star
Gonna be a rock n roll singer
Im gonna be a rock n roll
A rock n roll star














Well I worked real hard and bought myself
A rock n roll guitarI gotta be on top some day
I wanna be a star

I can see my name in lights
And I can see the queue

I got the devil in my blood
Tellin me what to do(and Im all ears)


Gonna be a rock n roll singer
Gonna be a rock n roll star
Gonna be a rock n roll singer
Im gonna be a rock n roll,
A rock n roll star
(I hear it pays well)

Well you can stick your

nine to five livin
And your collar

and your tie
And stick your

moral standards
cause its all

a dirty lie
You can stick your

golden handshake
And you can stick

your silly rules
And all the

other shit
That they teach

to kids in school
(cause I aint no fool)

Gonna be a rock n roll singer
Gonna be a rock n roll star

Gonna be a rock n roll singer

Im gonna be a rock n roll,

A rock n roll star

Yes I are!

The Music Has Stopped and You're Still Dancing, Part II

This is the most profound thing I will ever write for the rest of the day... so I hope you read it. And when you read it. I hope you get it. And if you get it, I hope you live it. And if you live it, I hope you love it. And if you love it.... you will know LOVE.

(RED IS FOR STOP!)

First read these lyrics; if they interest you then read on, if they don't, read off:

The Fleecing - David Bazan

(As sung on his 'Achilles Heel' album under the guise PEDRO THE LION)

Deep green hills whose shoulders fade into thick, grey,

tall wet grass. Whose flesh makes fools of grazing sheep!Whose fleecing makes a fool of me! Who shall i blame for this sweet and heavy trouble? For every stupid struggle!? I don't know. I could buy you a drink. I could tell you all about it. I could tell you why i doubt it and why i still believe. But i can't say it like i sing it, and i can't sing it like i think it, and i can't think like i feel it.... and i don't feel a thing...oh no, not anymore. Like why i still believe it. Or why i need it. And what the pharisees can't see. We'd have more drinks and speak of so many things.

But i don't know you and you don't know me.

I will try my hardest to make this as brief as possible. Does anybody realize that God has his best interest for you regardless of your interest in Him? Did you know that? I mean, I hear ya. You say, "Ya, I know that!" But seriously, do you know it? Do you comprehend it? Do you live it?

Human being.... you have been fleeced. That's right, fleeced!

WEBSTER: Fleeced = 6.) to deprive of money or belongings by fraud, hoax, or the like; swindle: fool: hide: decieve: "He fleeced the stranger of several dollars."

You didn't realize it, but it's true!

I don't know who did it to you. Maybe your pastor, maybe your parents... god dang.... Maybe even yourself?!?!?! Regardless of who did the fleecing, I am here to offer hope. (In reality I am offering myself hope, because my friend M. Unruh clearly made his mark on what "truth" is and by golly I believe what he wrote. But how can I hide this revelation!!!) Hope because you feel like you never do right. Hope because, even what you want to believe is truth is so hard to believe as truth. Hope because your pastor is so concerned for your well being that he/she has used his/her abilities as a figure of trust to scare you into staying on course, and yet you can't stay on that course.

Mira----

Ephesians 1:3-14 (New Living Translation)

3 All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ. 4 Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. 5 God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. 6 So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear Son. 7 He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. 8 He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding.
9 God has now revealed to us his mysterious plan regarding Christ, a plan to fulfill his own good pleasure. 10 And this is the plan: At the right time he will bring everything together under the authority of Christ—everything in heaven and on earth. 11 Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan.
12 God’s purpose was that we Jews who were the first to trust in Christ would bring praise and glory to God. 13 And now you Gentiles have also heard the truth, the Good News that God saves you. And when you believed in Christ, he identified you as his own by giving you the Holy Spirit, whom he promised long ago. 14 The Spirit is God’s guarantee that he will give us the inheritance he promised and that he has purchased us to be his own people. He did this so we would praise and glorify him.

I can't explain all of this scripture to you. I mean, I could give you my understanding. But believe me, it would be greater for the benefit of your life if you read this over and over until it clicked for you. But allow me to elaborate on it just in the slightest. (for me of course!)

The apostle Paul is writing this letter to a church in Ephesia, Asia. (This area is now known as Turkey by the way) He is literally revealing God's greatest secret. Read intently and realize that Paul writes in past tense a lot so as to make the reader understand the greatness of God. God is not bound by time. This life we lead is bound by time. God, who is the author of time sits outside of time watching the story he wrote eons ago slowly unfold.

Everything that is happening to us right this instance already happened. To understand that, understand a book. You are reading the book in regards to the page you are currently on. But the author of the book already has ended the story the way he desires no matter where you are at in the book. No matter what page you are on, no matter where in the plot of the story you are at, the end of the story and the whole story line is already written. All of your hopes and desires of how the story should go are literally only hopes and desires. The author's true purpose of that story has already been decided. And HIS intent of the story will be fulfilled whether you like it or not.

So chew on this scripture and understand at least this line; "...who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ." v.3

Blessed. As in, this has already been completed! Not "will bless", "may bless", "could bless", "should bless", "might bless", "will bless under these circumstances".... but literally blessed. Already done. Past tense. Happened. Cannot revert!

Do you get it yet? Are you starting to get it? Read and reread. PLEASE!!!!!

I heard this just tonight:

"If you are waiting on God, you are gonna be waiting a looooooong time."

Even Jay-Z said, "If ya waiting for the end of the dynasty sign. It would seem like forever is a mighty long time!" (Jay-Z is a bad @$$!)

Really though. So true. You are waiting for God to come through for you.... lol!!!!!!!!!! He already came baby! Hop on the train!

Oh geez kids.... there is so much to write about, but so little time.

PLEASE!!!!!! Read and read. (not what I wrote, read the scripture silly!)

More on the way!

Next entry: "Jesus Christ! I don't see any diving board!!!!!"

I Am Getting Set Up!

I Can't Stand It, I Know You Planned It
Ima Set It Straight, This Watergate
I Can't Stand Rockin' When I'm In Here
'Cause Your Crystal Ball Ain't So Crystal Clear
So, While You Sit Back And Wonder Why
I Got This Fucking Thorn In My Side
Oh My God, It's A Mirage
I'm Tellin' Y'all It's Sabotage

So Listen Up 'Cause You Can't Say Nothin'
You Shut Me Down With A Push Of Your Button
But yo, I'm Out And I'm Gone
I'll Tell You Now I Keep It On And On

'Cause What You See You Might Not Get
And We Can Bet, So Don't You Get Souped Yet
Scheming On A Thing That's A Mirage
I'm Tryin' To Tell You Now It's Sabotage

Why; Our Backs Are Now Against The Wall
Listen All Of Y'all This Is Sabotage!

I Can't Stand It, I Know You Planned It
I'ma Set It Straight This Watergate
I Can't Stand Rockin' When I'm In This Place
Because I Feel Disgrace Because You're All In My Face
But Make No Mistakes And Switch Up My Channel
I'm Buddy Rich When I Fly Off The Handle
What Could It Be, It's A Mirage
You're Scheming On A Thing That's Sabotage



Have you ever realized something so profound that it blew your mind? I finally figured it out. I hope I am wrong. Otherwise this song is going to destroy my brain.

Time for A Haircut

I hate.... no dread, getting hair cuts. 3 reasons why:

1.) Incompetence

2.) Insecurities
3.) Inconsiderate

INCOMPETENCE: I live in Greeley Colorado which means that I have a hard time finding a place where a stylist actually stays in one damn salon for more than a month. So every time I go get a haircut I have to reexplain how I want it cut. It doesn't help that my last name is Herrera and my skin proves it. Note to women who cut hair; not every mexican likes there hair to be super short and retarded. There is a difference between half an inch off the top vs. half an inch FROM the top.

INSECURITIES: I don't like my hair. Its too coarse and straight. I have never been able to do anything with it without using a crap load of gel. Otherwise it POOFS! I have tried growing it out. Even had dreads once. Alas, I need to keep it short or I look retarded or homeless. Or like a MUTE. (Thats another cruel story) So it sucks if I get a short short haircut cos then I feel even more insecure about my head.

INCONSIDERATE: Okay, you wanna listen to KOSI 101 or TRI 102.5, thats your business. But why would you want to make me have to hear it while I am waiting. Its not so much the Daughtry baloney or the fact that it's followed by Bette freakin Midler. Its the stupid rhetoric in between. Some gigantic, single lady sitting in the radio station eating Twinkie's and drinking a 2 Liter bottle of BIG K's Dr. Thunder, speaking in a sultry, phone sex voice reading things like, 'Jim says he's sorry you walked in on him while he was yanking the hobby horse Brenda. He hopes you can forgive him and lift the restraining order you have on him. This song is for you Brenda....' "Hold on to the night..... Hold on to the memories...... I wish that I could give you more....." ARGGGHHH!

Daffy Apples

Inspired by my good friend...

Things I Miss:

Battle Raps

Driving home after Denny's

Having A Porch

Having a house

Not Working

My Red Isuzu

Corn on the Cob

My Clubhouse

Not knowing religion

Thursday nights at The Refuge

Riding my dirt bike

Not paying bills

Being excited about P.O.D.

Playing G.I. Joes w/ Kris

Smoking Weed with Jon

Getting Drunk with my brother

Riding bikes with my sister

Wrestling in the backyard w/ Eric

Cruising 10th w/ Shaun

Playing ghostman baseball w/ Robbie

My grandma Soccorro

My grandma Cora

San Diego at age 10

My Reebok Pumps

Daffy Apples

Sadly, the only things I will ever get back are corn on the cob and the daffy apples.

Like Riding A Bike

"I've got a bike, you can ride it if you like.
It's got a basket, a bell that rings and things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could, but I borrowed it.
You're the kind of girl that fits in with my world.
I'll give you anything Everything if you want things."
--- Syd Barrett

Tonight I rode my bike home in the dark. I had lights on of course. I suppose that sentence would have had more clarity had I said, "I rode my bike at nightime." ----Nah, that still lacks clarity.

Anyways..... I think you should ride your bike. (If you don't have one, visit a pawn shop or garage sale and get one) A bike ride will teach you a lot about life. Whatever city, whatever street you take, however long the ride or far the distance. You will learn about life.

Think about how quickly you tend to ride. Are you the person who takes their sweet time on your ride, or are you the person who is constantly seeking ways to get their faster and more effeciently?

Are you living life super fast? Slow down, your missing it.
Are you living your life to melodramatic? Take into consideration the people waiting for you to catch up.

Where do you ride? Do you tend to take the back roads and avoid being seen on the main roads by drivers, or do you always ride the main roads and even ride on the street with the cars?

Does your life revolve around who is seeing you do what? Take the back roads sometimes, balance your life with humility.
Are you always on the backroads of life, trying to go un-noticed? Everyone should shine sometimes. Stick your neck out and let em see you every now and then.

How do you approach hills? Are you like me? You hate going up them and try to get up them as fast as possible so you can zoom down the other side?

Do you hate the hills of your life and just complain about em til you get over them? Take a break every now and then. Take a look around. That hill might be there so you can take time to notice something on the way up that you've never seen before.
When the good times of life come like a downhill coast, do you zoom so fast down em that they seem to go by too quick? Remember. Zooming through anything is fun. But at the bottom of the hill is the beginning of another. Enjoy the good times, cos they go by fast.

I am not trying to sound wise or invoke some sort of truth that you don't already know. These are just things I thought about on by ride through the dark streets tonight.

Last thought?

Like a bike ride, it's always fun to take different journeys in life, but there's no feeling like coming home.

"Roam if you must, but come home when you've had enough."
--- Slug

Surely You Jest!

I am confused today.


It was more apparent to me a month ago at the birthday party, but my dear brother you have me engaged as always. I wonder what makes your brain tick?

Astrologically speaking:
Cancer: A crab is able to walk or run sideways. Similarly, Cancer natives can sometimes "move about" in life, in a figurative sense, in an indirect manner. The crab's body is covered by a carapace (shell). Cancer natives are self-protective and sensitive, and often retreat into themselves when hurt. Crabs are able to resist changes in the environment, thereby protecting themselves from hostile elements in various habitats. Similarly, Cancer natives are thought to avoid too much change, and to be on the defensive. Crabs have "complex behavior patterns" (1). The inner world of Cancer natives is thought to be rather quirky and complex. Some crabs "conceal themselves by decorating their bodies with plants and animals" (2). Cancer natives tend to try to blend in with their environments, preferring not to make a big splash in life.


Biblically Speaking:
Double Minded: If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.
----- James 1:5-8


It was worse on Friday night. What unbelievable gall. But my poor boy.... the request? It makes me realize that no matter how much I think I got it figured out, I don't. Maybe you are helping me.

4 months kid. 4 stupid months I chased your ass and begged for it, to kiss it. That ball has been in your court for FAR too long. So start practicing cos it sounds like you wanna play ball.



I asked Lauryn... she told me;
"Its funny how money change a situation
Miscommunication leads to complication
My emancipation dont fit your equation
I was on the humble, you - on every station
Now you wanna ball over separation
Tarnish my image in your conversation
Who you gon scrimmage, like you the champion
You might win some but you just lost one"




have you heard her new album??? damn!!!





I asked Big Brother.... he said

"Shoulda stayed in food and beverage,
too much flossing Too much Sam Rothstein,
I ain't a bitch but I gotta divorce them
Hov had to get the shallow shit up off him
And I ain't even want to be famous
Niggas is brainless to unnecessarily go through these changes
And I don't even know how I came to this
Except that fame is the worst drug known to man
It's stronger than heroin,
when you can look in the mirror like ‘there I am”
And still not see what you become I know I'm guilty of it too,
but not like them You lost one... "





I don't know. It's just funny to me anymore.

At first I thought it sucked, but then I realized... for the most part I have no enemies. I have 3 people in my life I need to make amends with. Considering how big an asshole I am.... thats pretty good. Plus, 2 of them, including the kid, have the ball in their court anyways. I am willing to forgive, but its not my move anymore.


As far as that fat fuck Joe. Shit man, practice what you preach. HA! No, no, no... thats horrible, but seriously, your wife owes my wife a serious apology.... you fat fuck.


And the 3rd. Well, I'll get around to her. It ain't the end of the world anyways.

The Music Has Stopped and You're Still Dancing, Part I

Last night as I closed my eyes and tried to start sleeping, I felt it. That familiar weight on my chest. That feeling like, "What the fuck am I gonna do now??"

At some point as my back began trying to sink into the mattress beneath me, through the pitch black silence of the room, I could start to see the little white bumps spread all over the ceiling. It was strange but they slowly began to multiply in view. A patch of ten turned into 30 and then 30 into 100 and so forth until they were almost blinding. At some point my eyes told my brain, 'Who turned the lights on?'

'Who turned the lights on?' Then I started replaying that line from the movie, I heart Huckabees --- "How am I not myself?" "How am I not myself?" "How am I not myself?" "How am I not myself?"

'Who turned the lights on?'

'Who turned the lights on?'

'Who turned the lights on?'

When exactly did I become 30? I mean, 29 really, but I stopped trying to kid myself long ago. It just continued to dawn on me. I have failed. Those dots on the ceiling, and the way they began to multiply were like my problems. Looking through the darkness, bam there they are. And the more you think about your problems and concentrate on them, the more they seem to multiply. They become more visible and they overwhelm you until you feel them on your chest.

Have you ever been caught cheating on your girlfriend? Like one that you actually loved? Or maybe just that first time you get dumped? Or simpler even... that time you REALLY got in trouble and you were waiting for the punishment. How about the night you realized you were broke and you were gonna lose your house? Or the night you realized that backruptcy was you're only hope? Remember that night your mom told you that she and your dad were splitting?

Does anyone like that feeling? That weight?
Why do we hold onto these things?


I really don't know if I have failed because I am not too sure if I have ever tried. But I will tell you this. I don't ever wanna wake up some day and find out that the music stopped playing years ago and I am still dancing.

The longer I am alive, the more I realize how insignificant life really is. All our glories and accomplishments. All of the things we are scared about and all of the things the we put so much effort into fighting against.... when the last day hits, it won't matter.

Solomon said, "Vanity, it's all vanity!!!!" I agree.

But why be depressed? Life is a wonderful thing. To be alive and to experience breath. To wake up everyday and wonder what the possibilities are. God says, "Life is but a vapor." Indeed it is.

I fear my failures in life and yet, I don't feel like I have failed.
I know I have learned, but I don't feel I have failed.

Answer this question:

What makes you happy?
What wakes you up in the morning?
Why do you even continue to breathe?

I like listening to my dad speak. He just knows way too much and he wants to make sure you get it all in your head. The other night he tells me that my uncle is in debt up his ass and needs to borrow like $20,000 to at least catch up. Given the situation, my dad's advice was, "Stop making payments, file for bankruptcy and enjoy whats left of your life. You have been storing hay in a barn for a horse that died years ago."

We built into a discussion about what life is all about. The empires we try to build and what we define as success.

What is success?
What is a successful life?

hmmm... truly a thought to ponder. TBC.....

Men

Last night in my dream, he looked at my belly and said, "Your putting all that weight back on!"

So I walked out to the parking lot, apparently I was at the Wal-Mart on 23rd, and I let the air out of his tires. I walked to my van, cos in the dream I still had it, and started to leave. He ran to the window and started beating it, acting a fool.

I got out and beat his ass. I cursed a lot and brought up some harbored feelings.....

Why do men cheat?

Why do they think they can do better?

Why do they think that if they could just start over with a different broad things would be better?

He isn't cheating on me, but his actions piss me off.... I mean obviously. I am really trying to love him unconditionally and just pray for him. But it's starting to slip into my sub-conscious. Maybe today I will just work on not cheating on my wife, thinking I can do better without her or thinking about starting over with someone else. Not that I do.... but still.

God teach me to love.