Monday, December 22, 2008

What, me? Worry?

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are currently at 34,000 feet and are going to begin to experience quite a bit of turbulence. I am going to ask that you buckle up your seat belts and make your way to your seats if you are not already seated. Flight crew, please check the cabin and secure overhead compartments, then return to your seats and brace for clear air turbulence."

I take my eyes off the movie and look out the window.
I can't see lights anymore.
Just a lot of clouds.

Its somewhere between 9:30pm and 7:30pm.
I can't be sure because I don't know what state we're over.
But the turbulence hit indeed. BAD!
"Ghost Town" cut out of view and the planes' lights began to flicker.
I plugged my headphones into my phone....
"Slow Car Crash" (Headphones) was playing....

I smiled.
I was at peace for 7 seconds.
In that 7 seconds my first thought was, 'Ha! Cruel Lord. I get to die the cool death while she lives on and dies a boring regular death.'

I didn't start begging Jesus for mercy.
I didn't ask forgiveness for my sins.
I wasn't scared.
I was at peace.
My heart knew my sins were forgiven --- My mind knew Jesus wasn't responsible for a plane wreck --- My fears were shattered by the knowledge that she would know where I was going, my funeral would have people at it and she would be wealthy. Her life would be rich! With money anyways. --- And best of all, there'd actually be a healthy amount of people at my funeral.

But then I thought about Mallorie. Fuck. Is that how we're spelling it?

Oh wait.... wait God. Not now. I am not ready to go just yet. Somehow, more years of debt, anger, fights, pain, suffering, crowds, and Christmas... somehow it all started to seem worth it....

I said, "God... I don't want to die now. Just take us all together at the end. Whatever that is. Rapture, be-heading, slow car crash.... but not alone. Not without my family."

Just like always. After the few scary moments...
The plane steadied. ::DING::
The seat belt light went off.

The movie started to play again.
Through clearing clouds I could see a city out in the distance.

God didn't answer my prayer.
It wasn't really a prayer.
And we were never really going to crash.
I don't know how God will respond to my statement.
Cos thats what it was. Not a prayer.... just a statement.
"Not without my family..."

The key thing was...
He heard me, he listened to me and he gave me peace.
I teared up.
I've been tearing up a lot lately.
I could see her face. Blurry.... but I see her.
She's beautiful.
I started writing her a letter.
Someday she'll read it.... or maybe she won't.
I suppose its not really for her. It was for me.

Regardless, I am happy to be of clear mind.
I understand the grace of God.
I understand who I am.
I understand how She works.
I understand that she is my responsibility.
And if she is all I ever get, than She and I will do just fine raising she until the slow car crash.... or whatever.
_____________________________________
Matthew: chapter 6, versus 24-34 (New Century Version)

"So I tell you, don't worry about the food or drink you need to live, or about the clothes you need for your body. Life is more than food, and the body is more than clothes. Look at the birds in the air. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, but your heavenly Father feeds them. And you know that you are worth much more than the birds. You cannot add any time to your life by worrying about it.
"And why do you worry about clothes? Look at how the lilies in the field grow. They don't work or make clothes for themselves. But I tell you that even Solomon with his riches was not dressed as beautifully as one of these flowers. God clothes the grass in the field, which is alive today but tomorrow is thrown into the fire. So you can be even more sure that God will clothe you. Don't have so little faith! Don't worry and say, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear?' The people who don't know God keep trying to get these things, and your Father in heaven knows you need them. Seek first God's kingdom and what God wants. Then all your other needs will be met as well. So don't worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will have its own worries. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

---trying to find a balance

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Pa-Rum-Pum-Pum-Pum

Every year they do it.

It starts in October. They meet up on Friday nights or Saturdays or even Sundays after church.
The inevitable christmas pageant/production/play,etc.
Whatever your church calls it, they have one.

Joseph, Mary, Shepards & Wise Guys ---- 3 of each, the angel of the lord, a star.... you get it.

This morning I sat and watched the production at our church. It was cool. I mean, it was kids doing their best to stay attentive to the children's director kneeling in the front row trying to be the mirror of hand movements and lips moving.

And then, as I proudly watched my nephew perform his part, the spirit spoke...

"He's giving it all..."
Hmm...
I watched my nephew pay close attention to the director as she moved her hands and led his little group in their movements, words and gestures. But he stood out to me. He was trying his hardest. To be the best. They were all doing the same thing, but he wanted to be the best at it.

I started to hear that song in my head, "Pa rum pum pum pum, I am a poor boy too, Pa rum pum pum pum, I have no gift to bring, Pa rum pum pum pum, That's fit to give our King, Pa rum pum pum pum..."
And then my heart broke.

It's funny, cos my heart has not broken in the confines of a church building in a long time. But the damn thing broke. I finally got that stupid song.

We here it every year. If you live where I live then you are well aware that Black Friday is not just about shopping the day after Thanksgiving. It's also the day that KOSI 101 starts playing Christmas tunes non-stop. And I hear that song on there a lot. I go to the mall and hear that song. I go to Wal-Mart and hear that song. I walk in to Zumiez and hear the punk-rock version of that song. Pa rum pum pum pum! Pa rum pum pum pum! Pa rum pum pum pum!

And it just hit me this morning how powerful that song is. Obviously there was no drummer boy at Christ's birth. It's just a made up Christmas song. But its pretty profound really.

Just the thought.

I have nothing to offer God. I have nothing worthy of what Christ did.
But I'll make the best out of what I got. I'll do the best I can with what I've been givin.

I know how to love people. So I'll love people to the best of my ability.
I know how to give. So I'll give to the best of my ability.
I know how to walk. So I'll walk to the best of my ability.
I can sing. So I'll sing to the best of my ability.
I can dance, I can clap, I can type, I can play, I can punch, I can crawl, I can breath, I can sleep, I can fix it, I can can break it, I can throw it, I can plunge it....So I'll do it to the best of my ability.

Pa-Rum-Pum-Pum-Pum

Friday, November 28, 2008

T.NE1

Yesterday was a surreal day for me. A lot of stuff happened and I was pretty sure I was in a twisted dream. As I watched MNL scream, fuss, fight cry, laugh, then get angry, sad and then scream again.... I couldn't help but be thankful that I was no longer on that cycle.

It was Thanksgiving. You know. Turkey, Family, closeness and all that bullshit. But all I could think about was where I was.... WHO I was a year ago.

My wife had presented me with divorce papers only two weeks ago. Within those past 3 months I had been balancing 5 different relationships of various degree's. Maybe just an email friend, or a texting buddy.... Myspace messaging bullshit. Trying to see how far we could take it without really 'committing' anything. Top that with an uncontrollable need for pornography and self-gratification.

--Have you ever sat in front of a computer, shaking and crying, cos you just want to finish the project you were working, but you just have to go look for a images of naked women on the internet?
--Have you ever planned your whole day around the 10 minutes you could get alone in front of a computer so you could wack off?
--Have you ever planted yourself in just the right spot so you could 'randomly' run into her again?
--Have you ever gone back to that gas station and faked buying something you 'needed', just so you could make her smile?

I could write a whole list of stuff. But I am not writing this to remember what I did. I write to remember where I was a year ago on Thanksgiving.

There we sat at the table, surrounded by family and yet so alone. I was trying to decide if I could do it. True was trying to figure out if it was worth it to even stick around anymore.

It was one year ago on Thanksgiving morning that I completed my first lesson on the Setting Captives Free 'Way of Purity' website. G. recommended it to me, thank God. And what was supposed to be a 60 day course turned into a 4 month course. A ROUGH 4 month course. But I made it. Reality..... it wasn't the greatest website in the world. Some of the things they said were religious or cheesy. But it didn't matter, because for the first time in my life my eyes were opened. My mind became sober. I realized that my fasination with porn and women and sexual desires was not just a perverted 'bad habit'. It was an addiction. An addiction I had struggled with since the age of 8. 20 years of that ball and chain. Of delirious wandering. It controlled my everything. Every day, every thought, every action. I hid it so well for so long. But when I dragged it into my marriage with True, thats when the cycle REALLY went into a crazy cycle.

I don't know why it took so long for me to realize that I was really destroying myself with this. I don't know why True chose to stick around.

I guess I could write so much about all of this. But all I really want to say is that I am thankful. As I watched MNL spin around her house in a frenzy on the one day the True and I were looking forward too, all I could be was thankful.

Thankful that....
...True said, "Enough! I am out. Out of feelings, resources, patience and love!"
...G. was nosey enough to intrude on my conversation on my phone
...G. introduced me to what this was.... an addiction.
...P.S. knew about a web-site and some books that may help
...I admitted to myself that I was fucked up in the head and needed help
...Thankful that of every church I called that said, "Your a sexual wha???", K. called back and said, "Lets Talk."
...God sobered my mind and let me see a light.
...True stick it out with me, even on the real bad days.
...G. knew what I meant when I said I cried at my desk last night.
...God surrounded me with people who knew, loved and accepted.
...Last year on Thanksgiving morning, God graced me with the ability to move towards a new direction.

I understand now that addictions are laying in a lot of things. We make idols out of alot of things. Hell, I know food addicts. But to those who are thinking that you must be a freak, cos you are a sexual addict. That it would have been better to be an alcoholic or druggie, cos at least people can "accept" that. To those who feel trapped and strongheld by their worst fears and images. There is light at the end of the tunnel.


Praise to God for his everlasting love. He doesn't hate me and he never did.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Superstar Indeed

Yesterday afternoon my dad called me, "Hey, you wanna go see Jesus Christ Superstar tonight?"

::KA-CHING!!! Freakin dope::

Besides The Latino's, Santana and Petra, my dad raised me listening to the Rock Opera Jesus Christ Superstar. I used to think it was cheesy when I was little, but somewhere around 18/19 years old I finally got into it. I mean like psychotically into it.

It was exciting to go see the tour of the Broadway production of this opera cos I knew that Jesus was going to be play by Ted Nealy and..... well, I guess it doesn't matter. What matters is that My dad invited me and we were both excited to see it.

A lot of people criticize the opera as though it makes light of the actual story of Jesus's last week on earth. Mainly because it portrays Judas as being convinced that Jesus is somehow faking the Son of God thing for a poltical gain and it is getting out of hand. And also because it shows Mary Magdalene as totally being in love with Jesus and struggling to not let her emotions get in the way of His mission on earth. Both of these issues I would love to write about today, but I do not have the patience or the skills of G.

No matter what people think of the opera, it means a lot to my dad. It was the sound of Jesus getting 39 lashes on his back, blasting through a sound system in a welding shop at the bottom of a battleship almost 40 years ago, that brought his heart back to God.

So there we sat, 3rd level, Row N, seats 15 & 16, at the edge of our seats so we wouldn't miss anything. Listening to Judas belt out to Jesus that his followers have too much heaven on their minds.

It was so cool to sit there with my dad and enjoy something that intrigues each of us. Neither of us is into sports or cars. So we don't sit in the garage talkin about the stats of the last big game. We discuss grace, God, Latin Rock and Jesus fricken Christ Superstar. Hell yeah.

And yet through all my excitement of enjoying this with my dad... I began to feel a tug at my spirit. God was telling me to listen and to feel. And the God spoke to me....

"He was just a man."

Now, don't think of me as a blasphemer. I know God was not saying that Jesus wasn't the Messiah and Christ, but what he was saying, "The last week of his life was rough. He went through so much. And he was still a human."

I began to pay attention to the story and watched him struggle with a crowd of followers that did not completely understand or grasp his message. The overwhelming rockstar feeling of being followed everywhere. Where you have to preach from a boat on the sea so people don't over crowd you. The dreams.... nightmares of people reaching out to you. Begging for you to heal them. Everyone has a need, and you've got to fill it. The struggle between balancing himself as human as well as the son of God. Being praised with palm trees and a red carpet of coats one weekend, knowing very well that these same people would be screaming "Crucify Him" in just one week. The knowledge that two of your closest friends would be selling you out soon. Screaming out to God, "I don't know if I can do this anymore. I know this was the deal. But I am not sure I can die for the whole damn world anymore." The mocks, the punches in the face, the whips to his back. He did so much and took such a beating for humanity, knowing very well that all of humanity would eventually mock him with their actions anyways. Even to the point of him, as he hung on that cross, feeling God turn his face. "My God.... Why have you forsaken me?"

His whole life was madness. A balance of the mind of God in the mind of a man. Knowing his mission on earth and yet wanting to be human. Trying to keep on track with the Ultimate plan, and yet being completely frightened to death of the future. Trying to find a balance.

Have you ever loved somebody so much... and they were hurting themselves... and you couldn't stop them...so it tore you apart? Imagine feeling that for a whole world of people.

It just became a realization for me that Jesus, while the son of God, was merely a human when he roamed on earth. He had to take on a whole society and generation...and reform it. I can't write it like I understand it... like I feel it. And you won't understand it until you feel it for yourself.

But Jesus Christ truly was... well, a Superstar.

I end with this thought:
"He made the world a grassy road before our bare, wandering feet...Then crushed the stones into the softest sand between our toes...But we're wondering where to sleep" --- Aaron Weiss



Saturday, November 22, 2008

3 Little Birds

1.) God is teaching me humility.


"Why do bad things happen to good people?"
"A good person is merely someone who hasn't been caught."

"There is no one righteous, not even one;
there is no one who understands,
no one who seeks God.
All have turned away,
they have together become worthless;
there is no one who does good,
not even one."
Psalms 53:1-3

I woke up early this morning, for a Saturday. I could still taste Rum and Taco Bell on the back of my tongue and I knew that I had exasperated my ability to fart. If I pushed again it would not be noise and air.


Washing my hands after my morning stool, I stared in the mirror. Gargeling the Cool Mint Listerene in my mouth... I was happy.... but still tired.


Seems like I had just laid down when she got up. I listened as she entered the bathroom. 'She probably can't fart anymore either', I think to myself.


I feel her back in the bed. She stretches out next to me. I feel her feet runn down my leg and I instantly become motivated. One thing leads into another and my motivation becomes action.


20 minutes later, my head between her breasts, she plans out our morning. Coffee at the park to catch the sunrise, make a grocery list on a bench, go shopping and then come home and make breakfast.


As we back out the driveway and prepare to start our happy little morning I hear, "Oh shit! They bashed your window! Oh god! The drums!"


I stand there looking into the vehicle but trying not to touch anything. I can see that they took as many drums as they could squeeze out, but they left a lot of things. Like they got frustrated that their smooth steal got a little cramped and scared that things were taking too long. I look around and notice the stereo is totally gone. "Damn it!"


I got in the car and we went and completed our morning plans.


A year ago I woulda thought that God was punishing me. As though he was mad. 'You haven't been paying your tithes! You are reaping what you've sown!!! God is pissed at me.... I must be sinning!'

I mean, come on. Anytime you are violated like that, the first thought is, "Who is to blame here?" And we went on with our morning and I kept bringing it up. I was disappointed. I never did stuff like that when I was younger. I wasn't trying to convince myself that I was reaping some seed of an old sin, but I just thought, what is going on in society when the desperation for money or food or whatever is coming down to just randomly breaking anything at anytime to obtain something that isn't mine. I guess I was just feeling volated is all. And in my pride to sound like I was seeking to be above it all I asked God, "What do you want me to learn Lord?"

::God chuckles::

Learn? I didn't DO this. I am not trying to teach you something. I am not 'allowing' this to happen to you because you did something. Think about it.

a.) You are bummed because you don't have insurance on that vehicle and that window will be paid out of the money you don't even have.
b.) You are bummed because they took 3 critical pieces of a drum set that was going to a youth group at your church and you were gonna surprise them with this as a gift.
c.) You are bummed because they took that stereo that is the heartbeat of your car. Even when you're running late, you won't leave until that stereo is on.

I know you are bummed David. I was the one who whispered in your ear, 'Just go, enjoy your morning with Trudy. It will be okay.' I know how violated you feel and I know how frustrated you feel, but the world turns and the days are evil. People are roaming the earth with no direction. They are all making choices. Some good and some bad. Just like you.....

Stop.... Just like me???
The it hit me.

a.) I have owned the vehicle for almost 3 months now and I have yet to get insurance on the dumb thing. Sometimes I have had the money to do it and I didn't do it. I haven't even changed the plates to register under the new vehicle type. I have been driving around illegally. That has been my choice though.
b.) I have had that drumset in the back of that Blazer for almost 2 weeks now. Not covered, not hidden. Just sitting there in plain view. I have procrastinated delivering it to the church cos I chose to not make time to drop them off.
c.) That stereo was installed by me 2 weeks after I got the vehicle. The only thing left to do was to fasten it in to the hole so it was more stable. Sometimes when I would take off too fast the whole stereo would slide out. That thing was a stereo thiefs dream. I chose to leave the stereo as is, laying in the slot, unfastened, because I was gonna do it manana.

Somebody chose to rob me last night. And I can't control that. But a lot of the pain and frustration that I experienced could have been avoided if I had controlled my choices a little better. But I rest in knowing this:

Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.

"When the rain falls, it don't fall on one mans house...." --- Robert Nesta


________________________________________
2.) God is teaching me trust.

All I can think about is.... is someone breaking into my vehicle tonight?
Are they out there right now?
Why is the dog barking?
Shit! I can't afford another window!!!!

God speaks, "I didn't give you a spirit that makes you a slave to fear. But you received my spirit. The Spirit of sonship. And you can call out to me, 'Daddy, I am scared, give me rest.'"

The sun shines
And leaves blow
And my hope like autumn is turning brown
I know it seems like I am always falling down
But it does not matter to me
Although it seems like it should
It's because I know I am understood when I hear Him say
Rest in me little David
And dry all your tears
You can lay down your armorA
nd have no fear
Cause I'm always here
When you're tired of running
I'm all the strength that you need
It's up hill both ways
Tomorrow I swear I won't act this way
I know it seems like that's what I always say
But it does not matter to me
Although it seems like it should
It's because I know I am understood
When I hear Him say
Rest in my little David
And dry all your tears
You can lay down your armor
And have no fearCause I'm always here
When you're tired of running
I'm all the strength that you need
-lyrics by David Bazan
_________________________________________________
3.) God is becoming my healer.
I won't dive into this too deep because I am not inviting discussion or debate on this issue. Nor do I want anyone to think that they are some how below me or that I am even implying that. I think everyone should live his life according to his own actions, choices and beliefs.
This is where I am at.
Isaiah 53:5 - "But he was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed."
---- He got his ass kicked for me so that I won't have my ass kicked by sickness, brokeness or bondage. Not just a spiritual metaphor, but literally.
1 Corinthians15:55-57 - "O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?”
For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its power. But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.
---- Death has no power over me. Nor does the deception of 'sin'.
John 8:44 - "For you are the children of your father the devil, and you love to do the evil things he does. He was a murderer from the beginning. He has always hated the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies.
---- His death was truly for my life. His blood truly means something. You cannot take this from me. Satan is trying to convince me that Christ's death is not as big a deal as it was. Well fuck you, you lying devil!
Summed up? I am not taking medicene anymore. Not that I am now. But next time I start feeling the effects of that liar telling me that I have a cold or that I am getting a headache.... no medicene. I am not preaching against doctors or surgeries or anything like that. You do what you gotta do. But I am tired of the devil dictating the fear of sickness in me. I don't get sick. I allow Satan to convince that I am sick.
I am done believing the lies.
This is not a new religion, but rather a revelation.... for me. I just wanted to testify to that.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Moving On

Part1:
She's been packing for a week now.
In her head... for a year now.

He's flippin out. Keeps fading back and forth between: a- being happy its over and b- the absolute fear that it could possibly really be over this time.

Its like when you grow your hair out real long...
the day you decide to cut it is a hard one
Or when you threw away that toy.
Cos last time you did it, you remember what it
felt like when suddenly you wanted to play with it
... and it was gone

She's been packing for a week now.
In her head... for a year now.

He's sitting selfishly at a computer trying to comprehend it. Not the move, mainly the lack of communication. He feels like he is accepting a truth that hurts to swallow.

It's not that they are starting to grow apart
Somewhere long ago they grew apart
He recognized it that first night
Somewhere near Gill Hill and the base of Pierce
He listen in confusion
What the fuckin hell happened here?

She's been packing for a week now.
In her head... for a year now.

He's sifting through texts and picture mail. He shouldn't be there. He knows it. She knows it. And He knows it. But he is stuck here right now. Scared of how to make amends.

Like when I beat the shit outta kid
I didn't want to see any one from that family
Shame. Humiliation. Guilt.
All feelings that were falsely shoved on me.
But on me they were.

She's been packing for a week now.
In her head... for a year now.

He's sleeping soundly this evening. Cos he knows its finally over. And yet That One knows that his destruction has just begun.

But now it’s over and I can’t stay sober
Pour and swallow
Follow one shot with another
I'll keep on till you agree to come back over
Or until there are X's on my eyes
My old man always swore that hell would have no flame
Just a front row seat
To watch your true love pack her things and drive away

She's gone now. Palabra!
___________________________________________


Part2:
blood stains on the carpet --- blood stains on my hands
drag her toward the kitchen --- hide the evidence
oh the toil a lie can bring --- that quitters never know
but lies can be the perfect things --- if they never show

the crisis posed a question --- just beneath the skin
the virtue in my veins reply --- that quitters never win

she almost ruined everything.........
__________________________________________
Part3:

Hello Operator
::static::
I would like to place a call
::static::
Um, to the pale gray telephone that is hanging on the wall.
::static::

I know this sounds crazy, but... um, could you patch me through?
Its just that.... you know, so she doesn't hear me ringing.
::static::

I will wait. I've got nothing else to do.
::ringing::
So when she finally picks
::ringing::
me up
::ringing::
::fading::
Checking for a dial-tone,
::fading::
To finger in the number of.... 'oh dear god' ---
Her new lover's telephone.
::faded::
::drowning::
I will be resting on the earlobe that I use to hunt
...and peck
::dreaming::
I will slowly wrap myself around her pretty little neck
I'll begin the explanation as to why she cannot breathe.
::drowning::
You should not have been unfaithful!!!
You should not have ever fucked with me!!!!!
::dreaming::

::static::
Hello? Hell.... Oh.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Fewer Moving Parts, part ii

I have shaped my faith around 3 influences:

The Bible
My Dad
David Bazan's lyrics

This week has been a Bazan week for sure. This song means much right now:

If you make a reference to some trouble that you know
can it help you keep it under control
or should i really re-consider my reasons for going solo
david burn on by costessput it pretty well
but i put it better....

i still run the show and dont you forget it
so i had to let some go
dont think i dont regret it
because i do and i dont think im better off alone

man i could have, had a big sound
but i love to let my friends down
if you were moving parts
there'd be fewer broken pieces
and every other start requires a brand new thesis

one good friend remarks with a rightfully angry
jesus, do none of us know what to do with you?

i in my pride responded i got news for you, none of you have to cos...

i still run the show and dont you forget it
so i had to let some go
dont think i dont regret it
because i do and i dont think im better off alone

man we could have made a big sound
but i love to let my good friends down

But here is my deepest revelation today.

Dear Family,

I love you. I really do.
But somewhere we lost connection.
It was probably me. It's usually always me.
But seriously, it needs to end. We need to part.
I feel like I am no use....have been no use to eachother.

C. --- You talk so much shit about me and my faith behind my back. I have tried to make myself available to you but you have shunned me. Good job with the 'love' of Christ. You may be in love with a higher love, but is that higher love in you?

E. --- You would take heed from Mr. Bazan. We are like the story of Winners Never Quit. Since we were babies you have tried to spite me with your holiness. Grandma, David didn't pray. LOL. I didn't pay either son. Jesus paid. And I figured that out long ago. My life has been just fine.

L. --- Fuck you. Straight up. You are another shit talker. I have tried to put myself out there, but you are just fucking stupid. I wish I didn't hate you.

B. --- What happened? Was it her? Shit man. I enjoyed our closeness when we were close. But these past few years have been death. I hope you figure out what will make you happy. I hope you become successful. Maybe thats what you need. But I tried so many times to help you and you have said no. I have never tried to be better than you. I just figured it out first. That's all. But even now.... shit man. I am floored. And I even offered my deepest of secrets too you. You could have avoided all of this. Damn, you think I don't know. Well that is too bad man. I do know. I knew. I have been waiting for it and I kept telling you that it could be avoided. But you don't care. Was it her? And whats worse is.... M. knows more than me. DAAAAAMN! Thats cool though. You chose this. I don't judge you. I weep for you. You have no idea the hell that awaits. Not the bible hell. The hell with no flames. Come visit me when you get it. I will still love you. But for now... I must go solo.

S. --- God hates it. It was a fucking vow. But you gave up too I suppose. Its different with you cos I thought you knew I wanted to be there. I did. I still do. But you have others. And thats fine. You will figure it out I suppose. But I hope now you see how the little compromises have led to the turning of your back. I am not judging you either. You break my heart. You may think I compromise. But I don't. I may compromise my pleasures, but I would NEVER compromise my faith. It was an oath before GOD!! GOD!!!!!! My fingers tremble for the curse that awaits. But I love you and I will always. I guess the secular theories put it well, but I put it better.

M. --- Pussy. I told you man. You're a pussy. OATH OATH OATH!!!!!

God heal my broken heart. They will think I hate them, or I am judging them. But I am sad for them. And deeply. I am sad that I had the answers and they ran. What did you teach me for? To save the swine at work? And yet my family drowns. You are a God I will never understand and yet I love you so much because you showed me so long ago.

P. --- I love you both so much. Thank You. You never annoyed me. You never judged me. You always loved me. And you will always love us. And though I wish I could say I have killed myself to keep at least one of the 3 oaths together. I did it for me. Better than not. I want to say I'll be back. But who knows. Right now I know my inheritence awaits there. But they will need it more than me. I denied that curse long ago. They have chosen to swallow that red pill. "Swallow it down just like a pill...." Just retire. Shit. You guys deserve it. We have paid you back with the worst. Sorry.

K. --- Always. ALWAYS. I'll be waiting.

D&D --- Prayers and tithe to you. LOL. Poor you guys. I will enjoy our brief time and I hope that we can serve you some day. But right now it is time to leave. Its just a season. But the last season was so loooooong! So we'll see. Family Camp '09???

T.C.O.M. --- My brothers. I write in tears. Thank you for your love. For the fun times. Those 2 years were some of the best. O. taught me to smile always. There's always a brighter side. Nothing can be that bad. To him, this is exciting. S. taught me to not worry. Nothing is worth being stressed about. Friends can be a million miles away and right there at the same time. To him this was exciting. A. taught me to think outside the box. Damn you kid. You taught me that life is too short to think it all the way through. To him this was exciting. Come visit brothers.

G. --- Your life brings mine strength. How you have survived I'll never know. But this is so small in comparison to your life. Come visit me. I'll have Rum. Hell, bring Bailey.

Fewer moving parts means fewer broken pieces. If I drop you now, I won't feel so bad when you fall apart. Out of sight out of mind.

Love,
The Biggest Dick head you ever knew......



Dear Greeley,

I never wanted you. I never wanted to. I know I told you I did. In front of witnesses. And then we lit one wick, but now I get my kicks. I know you never suspected. Because I never said, "Baby I was faking the whole time." How could you ever have guessed it? With no accomplices. But, Baby, I was faking the whole time. You know it isn't like me to be inflammatory. But rather than let you think that I was so naive, I'd have you believe. I never wanted you, I never wanted you. You never had my heart. Our love was never true. I know you never suspected. Because I never said, but Baby, I was faking the whole time. How could you ever have guessed it?With no accomplices, Baby, I was faking the whole time. No we never connected.You only thought we did.

Baby, I was faking the whole time.

-David

P.S. --- I hate you now..... because you're just like me.


Fewer Moving Parts..., Part i


'Just hit the ball..... just hit the ball'

This is what I keep thinking to myself. 'Just hit the ball.'

G. thinks I am a total homo cos I started golfing based on the false obsession of RUde Boys when I was 18. I am like, "Hey, Five Iron Frenzy.... come on ?!?!" But he thinks I am gay regardless, so I still play golf.

Today I went with my sister in laws room mate to hit some balls at the range here in Vegas (New Mexico). I haven't hit balls in a while. I have just been busy... and broke. =)

But I needed to hit today. I needed to know that I could live here. That I could call Trudy and say, "Hey, I am gonna stop by the range real quick and then I'll be home."

So there I was. It was cold. It had been a few weeks since I has hit. My clubs sat in my trunk all night. Cold hands + cold clubs = Great excuse for shitty hitting. I thought about my brother in laws recent advice. Hit with the front foot equal to the ball. EH, I still couldn't get it. 30 balls down and I am getting discouraged. Then I look at that dumb little ball.....

JUST HIT THE BALL!!!

Literally like a voice from heaven. I stopped thinking about the foot position, and the speed of my back swing, and keeping my eye on the ball..... and I just swung ::BAM:: I watched that ball float high and dry. Straight as an arrow. I grabbed the next ball. 'Just hit the ball' ::BAM::

I hit 4 more. Straight.... long.... HIGH!

Then the devil came and said.... "Maybe its just this 4 Iron you got."

I grabbed the 6 Iron.

'Just hit the ball' ::BAM:: Straight.... long.... HIGH!!!

56 Degree Wedge ---- 'Just Hit The Ball' ::BAM:: you get the jist.

I don't know if I will ever hit like that again. But I walked off that green with two thoughts.

1.) If I can approach the situations of my life like I approached that driving range. Just say, "David, stop over thinking HOW your gonna do and just do it. God is with you and he will open the doors that you need to walk through. Just swing and watch it fly!" If I could just do that, then Rosemarie will have me here in a month. And you know what? If she doesn't. God has a better job in store here. Whats State Farm anyways? God has been my rock there anyways. Not anybody else. I just need to hit the ball.

2.) Fewer moving parts means fewer broken pieces. Greeley has become a huge part of my life. But it i me trying to get THEM to be my friend. It has been me trying to convince them to see Jesus. ME, trying hang out with them. Wanting to be there for them. And all I desire now is to call 425-???? and say. "hey babe, I am gonna stop by the range first and then I'll be home."

More to come in part ii.....

Thursday, October 30, 2008

God is in his Holy Temple.
So let us all be silent….
::silence::


I like to meditate.
I like to sit in front of candles
and rosaries and
enjoy silence.

I meditate.

And God speaks to me.

I believe in the ability to speak in tongues. You couldn't disprove that to me. But I don't speak in tongues myself. Biblically it edifies the person speaking. And I believe that. But thats a gift. And its not mine.

So I meditate. King David was a man after God's own heart (according to God anyway), and he was spirit filled. Spirit filled before there were "tongues of fire". I prefer what his approach was. Sitting before God. Sitting. Waiting. Listening.
In silence.

And I listen.

And I wait.

And I sit.

God is in his Holy Temple.
So let us all be silent….
::silence::


Monday, October 27, 2008

Gettin Some...

We hadn't done it in so long.
You know. Days to weeks, weeks to months type a deal.

---We were one of those couples that said, "We're gonna do it everynight no matter what! We have to. It's the only thing that will make our marriage strong!" Which is true….
But we get busy.

She's got school stuff to do.
She's always on the computer planning lessons or chatting on myspace.
And its not like I don't do stuff.
But dang, sometimes I have denied doing it because I wanted to watch Seinfeld.

I know…. What an ass right?

There are times I am at work and I think about her and I want to do it so bad. Like right there in my cubical with her. Or hell, even just go to a park and do it on the grass or under a tree. But I never suggest it. I don't know if she'd be down. Anyways... we're too busy.

Problem is. That led to me doing it on my own. It started in the mornings. I'd be all alone and I'd just do it. There are times I would do it at work! Like get there real early, pull something up on the internet and just go at it. But even that's not the same. (Though, I don't think I'll ever stop trying to do it at work. Its easier and its also invigorating to be at my desk, right there in plain view, and no one even knows I a
m doing it!!!)

It was starting to feel like we'd never do it. But last night I was on the treadmill, and she was laying there on the couch. She looked good. And I was like, we need to do it. Preferably on the couch. It will just be different.
So I lit some candles, turned on some music and lit some incense. I told her I was gonna take a quick shower and then we'd do it. Finally!!

I scrubbed extra good in that shower. All I could think of was how it was gonna be such a relief to finally do it.
I came back into the room. I positioned myself on the couch with her. We hadn't done it in so long that it kinda felt awkward. We re-adjusted our positons so it'd be more comfortable. I slipped my fingers in first. Kinda twiddled in there to find the "sweet spot" as I like to call it. Then I found it… and I started to read... " 1 Have mercy on me, O God, because of your unfailing love. Because of your great compassion, blot out the stain of my sins. 2 Wash me clean from my guilt. Purify me from my sin. 3 For I recognize my rebellion; it haunts me day and night. 4 Against you, and you alone, have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your sight. You will be proved right in what you say, and your judgment against me is just. 5 For I was born a sinner— yes, from the moment my mother conceived me. 6 But you desire honesty from the womb, teaching me wisdom even there.
7 Purify me from my sins,
and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. 8 Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me— now let me rejoice. 9 Don’t keep looking at my sins. Remove the stain of my guilt. 10 Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me. 11 Do not banish me from your presence, and don’t take your Holy Spirit
from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. 13 Then I will teach your ways to rebels, and they will return to you. 14 Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves; then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness. 15 Unseal my lips, O Lord, that my mouth may praise you.
16 You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering. 17 The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God. 18 Look with favor on Zion and help her; rebuild the walls of Jerusalem. 19 Then you will be pleased with sacrifices offered in the right spirit— with burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings. Then bulls will again be sacrificed on your altar.

It was pretty much amazing. It's been so long since I have read the bible to her. I enjoyed it. We enjoyed it.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Touche!

Arizona curled up with California,
then she tried to hide
the whole thing from New Mexico,
who knew before he saw
them making out in Yuma
that she had been loving someone new.


But California, not California....
How could you?


The bully loved her cactus, the underdog her pine. But she would only love one at a time.


New Mexico has always hated California, and though he knew that Arizona wore the pants, he got loaded and he started throwing punches.


The poor Injun never had a chance.


Scissors cut paper.
Paper covers rock.
Rock crushes Scissors.
Scissors fall apart.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

This One's for Reyna


Sifting through trash on a cold Tuesday morning.
It's odd, because there I was thinking, "I am happy to be here today."

Most people would probably get grossed out throwing wet, muddy trash into a dumpster. Especially on a cold October morning. But not me. The stress in my neck was starting to loosen up. Sifting through frost covered boxes of personal belongings. A Tommy Hilfiger kids jacket and some Ralph Lauren Polo Jeans... "Throw those in the truck" my dad says, " They'll fit Mason." A note book here, a photo album there, a deck of cards, broken toys --- just random stuff you would expect a person to leave behind on a quick getaway.

My brain says to myself, "Who knows where they are at by now.... Mexico?"

I look at my dad, breaking up boards from the old dresser so they will fit into the dumpster and I think, "Someday, that will be me. I hope my son will understand that we have what we have because my dad suffered. Actually, it better be a daughter. It will have to be my daughter Emery that's out here cos Malorie will think its gross to be here in the ghetto."

Then I saw it.

A photo of a little girl. A little mexican girl, maybe 10 or 11 years old. She was wearing sun glasses and a shirt that said 'REYNA' in big silver letters. She was blowing a kiss to the camera. I was just about to launch it when I noticed the front of her shirt was tied in a knot as if to be stylish. And her shorts were REALLY short. And then I realized she was wearing heels.

I launched the picture into the box of trash I was filling and kept grabbing at the other trash lying on the ground. Another picture. Same girl. Same outfit. Only this time I realize she is not posing for her friend with a camera. She is not trying to act like a glamorous model and she is not wearing short shorts. Those short shorts are actually her panties and her legs are spread open on the couch with her finger pointed at her crotch. I heave it into the box and I feel a shiver run down my spine. And there are more pictures spread on the ground here. I am trying not to look at the images, but I know what is happening in these pictures.

There is some sick fuck behind the lens. He is telling this girl to pose in different positions and act like the horny housewife he wants. The housewife he has, but cannot please because he is a limp dick, needle fuck, punk bitch who is so wrapped up in himself that he is oblivious to the doors he is opening for this little girls mind. It could be his little sister, his niece, or god forbid even his own daughter. No matter who it is, I begin to get nauseous for this girl.

The last picture I hurried into the box was an image of little 'Reyna' opening a stove and seductively sliding in a tray of cookies perhaps....

I don't know who 'Reyna' is. I don't know how old she was then or is now. But I know that 'Reyna' is in my prayers. Every 'Reyna' is now in my prayers, because she didn't choose that, and yet she will have to reap those memories for the rest of her life.

I pray for her because when my daughters grow up, I want them to be safe. I want them to know that they are better than that. I want them to know they can trust a man.

But I don't know if I will ever have daughters. Because I don't know if I can keep them safe. And I don't know if they can trust a man.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

How The Leopard Got It's Spots

>Palms are fitted black and finely tuned to triggers that cause bodies to tremble.<

>>But this mud looks shallow from the beach when we hide behind such ugly faces<<

>And the dark eyed woman lifts her head, "Why do we hide behind such ugly faces?"<

>>Child bearing games from the streets down to the shores<<
>They're playing as waterways open in an obscene gaping gasp.<
>>"Rally all your men there is work to be done"<<

>Still we don't have the time for speaking out of place, because he won't come down<

>>He won't come down -- He won't come down<<

>When lengths of snakes match each silent syllable, "With eyes like these"<
>>Face glistening with suspense of a scalpel blade<<
>Clockwork calculating surgical precision.<

>>Palms are fitted black and finely tuned to stomachs that swallowed whole...<<


The sowing is easy for me.
It's the reaping that's hard.
Lord teach me to be patient
and eat what I planted.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

To the Laodecians, part II

To you: (do not read until you've read part I)
To me: (please do not forget the sense of urgency you've suddenly felt....)


It was a friday night, and my wife and I were at my cousins house celebrating his recent promotion. It was just a barbeque and alcohol. I had purchased Tequila as a gift, but after a couple of shots of that, we were all moving on to better drinks.

Then he said it.... "Dude, I know I am going straight to hell for that one! ::loud laugh:: Shit, I'm goin to hell for a lot of things!" ::look of concern for 2 seconds, then the loud laugh again::
I am looking at this guy (who is my cousin's cousin) and I say, "Wait, why are you going to hell?"
"Cos man, I'm a baaaaad boy. Bad boy! Can't stop the sinnin! ::again the look of concern:: You wouldn't know. You think sin is when you lied to yo daddy. I've been baaaaaad!!!" ::loud laugh::
I say, "Nah nah nah. That's not sin and neither is anything you do. You believe in Jesus right?"
"Of course!", he says.
"Well then I'll see you in heaven!"
"How do you even figure man? ::chuckle, eyes sobering up:: Seriously bro, respectfully, I know I have done things that God can't forgive. I have knowingly done bad things man. I have accepted this. I am going to hell."

Now I am thinkin.... Does anyone NOT knowingly do bad things?
And I open my mouth to respond and then my cousin interupts. "Both of you shut the hell up! You're ruinin the party! Why you guys gotta talk about religion when I am trying to get drunk. Lets have fun!"

I want to argue the point, but I love my cousin and I respect his home. Also, the Guiness and 2 Bass' are ready to leave my urinary tract. But while I am aiming my urine into the toilet bowl, I feel the spirit urge me to make a point to this guy.

"S****, I hate to disrespect you", I say as I exit the bathroom, "but let me just tell T*** one thing. T***, ::I am looking him straight in the eye/I can feel the spirit of God on me:: there is only one sin. And that is to not believe in Jesus. Period. There is nothing else that seperates us from God. If you in your heart of hearts believe in Jesus as the saviour, then I will see you in heaven. Sorry S****, I'll shut up now."

I sit down. T*** looks at me. "Thanks man....."
He got it! He knew!

I could go off on the rest of the evening and how he thanked me for the words like 4 more times. But I want to make a point.

Lets evaluate the scripture I posted.
John 16:8-11 NCV (Holy Bible)
8 When the Helper comes, he will prove to the people of the world the truth about sin, about being right with God, and about judgment.9 He will prove to them that sin is not believing in me.10 He will prove to them that being right with God comes from my going to the Father and not being seen anymore. 11 And the Helper will prove to them that judgment happened when the ruler of this world was judged.

Verse 8 says the helper (the spirit of God) will show the world (us) 3 things. What sin is, how to be right with God and how we shall be judged.

What is sin? ---- "sin is not believing in me." Jesus is a few hours from crucifixion when he reveals this. He is through with the parables and he is through with the hidden meanings. He is out of time. So he is saying it as plainly as he can. I can't elaborate on this because this is as blunt as it gets.

So how can I be right with God (i.e. Righteousness)? -- "being right with God comes from my going to the Father and not being seen anymore." You wanna please God? Be 'right' with him? Have faith! What is faith? Believing the impossible. People today mock Jesus. They mock faith. They mock church. They mock your beliefs. Romans 3:4 says, "...the Scripture says, 'Abraham believed God, and God accepted Abraham's faith, and that faith made him right with God.' Thats all God is looking for. Thats all he has ever wanted. Believe just one thing. Jesus existed. He died so I could live, then went to be with His father in Heaven. Believe in that and God will be pleased with you beyond anything you could believe.

How will we be judged? -- "judgment happened when the ruler of this world was judged." It is finished. You will not be judged for any wrong you do because Jesus was already tried, proved guilty, convicted and handed the death penalty for all your wrongs. You are free because He took the rap for you.

Read it. Those are not my words. They are Jesus'. Read it in any translation you want. They all say the same thing.
I have more to share to myself on this, but I think this is enough for now.

I hope this all makes sense. Maybe you know this already. But maybe you don't.
Give me one more entry. I'll tie it together. ; )

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

To the Laodecians, part I

Revelation 3:14-16 NCV (Holy Bible)
To the Church in Laodicea: 14 "Write this to the angel of the church in Laodicea:
"The Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of all God has made, says this: 15 I know what you do, that you are not hot or cold. I wish that you were hot or cold!16 But because you are lukewarm—neither hot, nor cold—I am ready to spit you out of my mouth.


Please read this:

When you read this, what do you think? When your pastor presched on this, what did he say?
I bet it was something like this.... "To see if we are lukewarm or our church is lukewarm, we must simply define cold and hot; if we are neither then we are lukewarm! To be "cold for Christ" essentially means to be "a member but not be present.---To be "hot for Christ means we are serving him with everything we have and paying our tithes and abstaining from sin." (taken from Kip McKean.com)

Dear Kip:

You are a jack ass and you are poisoning your church and readers.
Love,
David H. =)

Okay then David, whats the meaning here?

Very simple.

God is mad at the church. He is mad because they are living grace for them selves and law for their brethren. Essentially, you have people who are saying, "I thank God for his grace which saved me. I am glad Jesus saved me!" And yet they are trying to prove to everyone how perfect they are by their actions. They are always pointing out the faults of others and telling you that you need to get your life straightened out with God. They are telling you that God isn't blessing you because you aren't obeying his commands.

This sound familiar? Maybe cos you are like me and you do the same.

Think about it. In regards to God's grace, do you believe that it is a gift or a reward? Do you believe that it is given or earned? In this scripture, God is asking to believe one or the other. He is saying, "Look, if you are going to preach law, then convict yourselves by law. Live, eat and breathe the law. Follow it whole heartedly. Sacrifice for your own sins and do so with all your might and strength." But if you are one who believe's in the gift.... God says, "Your welcome. Take the gift! Enjoy the gift. I paid a lot for that. I want you to use it. Be free and love freely. I don't ask anything in return but your love."

The problem with me is, I tend to say, "I believe in your grace lord (for me), but that asshole over there needs to change. He is such a huge sinner. He needs you bad!!"

Read that scripture... chew on it... dissect it. Read the context of it. God is speaking to a church that says, "Jesus Loves you.... now stop fuckin up!!"

But aren't we all fuck ups? Isn't that why God had to save us once and for all anyways?

God says, " I wish you were one or the other. I wish you were law or grace. I wish you were all about one thing or all about the other. But you're not. You are claiming grace as a gift yet trying to earn it by following the law. You preach grace to your brother and yet slam him on every wrong YOU see him do. Your actions make me sick. Its like drinkin luke warm tea. I love Hot Tea in the mornings, I love Iced Tea in the heat of the day.... but no one likes luke warm tea. And I hate it so much, heck, it reminds me of you. I want to spit you out of my mouth!"

(please know that I am writing to me, and yet i hope you get this!)

Understand it like this. To claim Grace is to understand what Jesus meant when he said, "It Is Finished!"
Whoa! Powerful words eh?

When Jesus said that from the cross, he knew what he was saying. He knew what he had done. He knew what was finished.

The law. The do's and the don'ts. The rule of death. The slavery of sin.

Read:
John 16:8-11 NCV (Holy Bible)
8 When the Helper comes, he will prove to the people of the world the truth about sin, about being right with God, and about judgment.9 He will prove to them that sin is not believing in me.10 He will prove to them that being right with God comes from my going to the Father and not being seen anymore. 11 And the Helper will prove to them that judgment happened when the ruler of this world was judged.

I can't even figure where to start to complete this.....

Look. Read these 2 passages of scripture. Believer and non-believer. Person who kinda gets it and person who thinks church is for pussies. Read these things. This is real deep and I have a whole story to write about this.

But I wanna take my time with this. Even if just for me.

Part II is coming.