What, me? Worry?

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are currently at 34,000 feet and are going to begin to experience quite a bit of turbulence. I am going to ask that you buckle up your seat belts and make your way to your seats if you are not already seated. Flight crew, please check the cabin and secure overhead compartments, then return to your seats and brace for clear air turbulence."

I take my eyes off the movie and look out the window.
I can't see lights anymore.
Just a lot of clouds.

Its somewhere between 9:30pm and 7:30pm.
I can't be sure because I don't know what state we're over.
But the turbulence hit indeed. BAD!
"Ghost Town" cut out of view and the planes' lights began to flicker.
I plugged my headphones into my phone....
"Slow Car Crash" (Headphones) was playing....

I smiled.
I was at peace for 7 seconds.
In that 7 seconds my first thought was, 'Ha! Cruel Lord. I get to die the cool death while she lives on and dies a boring regular death.'

I didn't start begging Jesus for mercy.
I didn't ask forgiveness for my sins.
I wasn't scared.
I was at peace.
My heart knew my sins were forgiven --- My mind knew Jesus wasn't responsible for a plane wreck --- My fears were shattered by the knowledge that she would know where I was going, my funeral would have people at it and she would be wealthy. Her life would be rich! With money anyways. --- And best of all, there'd actually be a healthy amount of people at my funeral.

But then I thought about Mallorie. Fuck. Is that how we're spelling it?

Oh wait.... wait God. Not now. I am not ready to go just yet. Somehow, more years of debt, anger, fights, pain, suffering, crowds, and Christmas... somehow it all started to seem worth it....

I said, "God... I don't want to die now. Just take us all together at the end. Whatever that is. Rapture, be-heading, slow car crash.... but not alone. Not without my family."

Just like always. After the few scary moments...
The plane steadied. ::DING::
The seat belt light went off.

The movie started to play again.
Through clearing clouds I could see a city out in the distance.

God didn't answer my prayer.
It wasn't really a prayer.
And we were never really going to crash.
I don't know how God will respond to my statement.
Cos thats what it was. Not a prayer.... just a statement.
"Not without my family..."

The key thing was...
He heard me, he listened to me and he gave me peace.
I teared up.
I've been tearing up a lot lately.
I could see her face. Blurry.... but I see her.
She's beautiful.
I started writing her a letter.
Someday she'll read it.... or maybe she won't.
I suppose its not really for her. It was for me.

Regardless, I am happy to be of clear mind.
I understand the grace of God.
I understand who I am.
I understand how She works.
I understand that she is my responsibility.
And if she is all I ever get, than She and I will do just fine raising she until the slow car crash.... or whatever.
_____________________________________
Matthew: chapter 6, versus 24-34 (New Century Version)

"So I tell you, don't worry about the food or drink you need to live, or about the clothes you need for your body. Life is more than food, and the body is more than clothes. Look at the birds in the air. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, but your heavenly Father feeds them. And you know that you are worth much more than the birds. You cannot add any time to your life by worrying about it.
"And why do you worry about clothes? Look at how the lilies in the field grow. They don't work or make clothes for themselves. But I tell you that even Solomon with his riches was not dressed as beautifully as one of these flowers. God clothes the grass in the field, which is alive today but tomorrow is thrown into the fire. So you can be even more sure that God will clothe you. Don't have so little faith! Don't worry and say, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear?' The people who don't know God keep trying to get these things, and your Father in heaven knows you need them. Seek first God's kingdom and what God wants. Then all your other needs will be met as well. So don't worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will have its own worries. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

---trying to find a balance