T.NE1

Yesterday was a surreal day for me. A lot of stuff happened and I was pretty sure I was in a twisted dream. As I watched MNL scream, fuss, fight cry, laugh, then get angry, sad and then scream again.... I couldn't help but be thankful that I was no longer on that cycle.

It was Thanksgiving. You know. Turkey, Family, closeness and all that bullshit. But all I could think about was where I was.... WHO I was a year ago.

My wife had presented me with divorce papers only two weeks ago. Within those past 3 months I had been balancing 5 different relationships of various degree's. Maybe just an email friend, or a texting buddy.... Myspace messaging bullshit. Trying to see how far we could take it without really 'committing' anything. Top that with an uncontrollable need for pornography and self-gratification.

--Have you ever sat in front of a computer, shaking and crying, cos you just want to finish the project you were working, but you just have to go look for a images of naked women on the internet?

--Have you ever planned your whole day around the 10 minutes you could get alone in front of a computer so you could wack off?
--Have you ever planted yourself in just the right spot so you could 'randomly' run into her again?

--Have you ever gone back to that gas station and faked buying something you 'needed', just so you could make her smile?

I could write a whole list of stuff. But I am not writing this to remember what I did. I write to remember where I was a year ago on Thanksgiving.

There we sat at the table, surrounded by family and yet so alone. I was trying to decide if I could do it. True was trying to figure out if it was worth it to even stick around anymore.

It was one year ago on Thanksgiving morning that I completed my first lesson on the Setting Captives Free 'Way of Purity' website. G. recommended it to me, thank God. And what was supposed to be a 60 day course turned into a 4 month course. A ROUGH 4 month course. But I made it. Reality..... it wasn't the greatest website in the world. Some of the things they said were religious or cheesy. But it didn't matter, because for the first time in my life my eyes were opened. My mind became sober. I realized that my fasination with porn and women and sexual desires was not just a perverted 'bad habit'. It was an addiction. An addiction I had struggled with since the age of 8. 20 years of that ball and chain. Of delirious wandering. It controlled my everything. Every day, every thought, every action. I hid it so well for so long. But when I dragged it into my marriage with True, thats when the cycle REALLY went into a crazy cycle.

I don't know why it took so long for me to realize that I was really destroying myself with this. I don't know why True chose to stick around.

I guess I could write so much about all of this. But all I really want to say is that I am thankful. As I watched MNL spin around her house in a frenzy on the one day the True and I were looking forward too, all I could be was thankful.

Thankful that....

...True said, "Enough! I am out. Out of feelings, resources, patience and love!"

...G. was nosey enough to intrude on my conversation on my phone

...G. introduced me to what this was.... an addiction.

...P.S. knew about a web-site and some books that may help

...I admitted to myself that I was fucked up in the head and needed help

...Thankful that of every church I called that said, "Your a sexual wha???", K. called back and said, "Lets Talk."

...God sobered my mind and let me see a light.

...True stick it out with me, even on the real bad days.

...G. knew what I meant when I said I cried at my desk last night.

...God surrounded me with people who knew, loved and accepted.

...Last year on Thanksgiving morning, God graced me with the ability to move towards a new direction.

I understand now that addictions are laying in a lot of things. We make idols out of alot of things. Hell, I know food addicts. But to those who are thinking that you must be a freak, cos you are a sexual addict. That it would have been better to be an alcoholic or druggie, cos at least people can "accept" that. To those who feel trapped and strongheld by their worst fears and images. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Praise to God for his everlasting love. He doesn't hate me and he never did.