T.NE1

Yesterday was a surreal day for me. A lot of stuff happened and I was pretty sure I was in a twisted dream. As I watched MNL scream, fuss, fight cry, laugh, then get angry, sad and then scream again.... I couldn't help but be thankful that I was no longer on that cycle.

It was Thanksgiving. You know. Turkey, Family, closeness and all that bullshit. But all I could think about was where I was.... WHO I was a year ago.

My wife had presented me with divorce papers only two weeks ago. Within those past 3 months I had been balancing 5 different relationships of various degree's. Maybe just an email friend, or a texting buddy.... Myspace messaging bullshit. Trying to see how far we could take it without really 'committing' anything. Top that with an uncontrollable need for pornography and self-gratification.

--Have you ever sat in front of a computer, shaking and crying, cos you just want to finish the project you were working, but you just have to go look for a images of naked women on the internet?

--Have you ever planned your whole day around the 10 minutes you could get alone in front of a computer so you could wack off?
--Have you ever planted yourself in just the right spot so you could 'randomly' run into her again?

--Have you ever gone back to that gas station and faked buying something you 'needed', just so you could make her smile?

I could write a whole list of stuff. But I am not writing this to remember what I did. I write to remember where I was a year ago on Thanksgiving.

There we sat at the table, surrounded by family and yet so alone. I was trying to decide if I could do it. True was trying to figure out if it was worth it to even stick around anymore.

It was one year ago on Thanksgiving morning that I completed my first lesson on the Setting Captives Free 'Way of Purity' website. G. recommended it to me, thank God. And what was supposed to be a 60 day course turned into a 4 month course. A ROUGH 4 month course. But I made it. Reality..... it wasn't the greatest website in the world. Some of the things they said were religious or cheesy. But it didn't matter, because for the first time in my life my eyes were opened. My mind became sober. I realized that my fasination with porn and women and sexual desires was not just a perverted 'bad habit'. It was an addiction. An addiction I had struggled with since the age of 8. 20 years of that ball and chain. Of delirious wandering. It controlled my everything. Every day, every thought, every action. I hid it so well for so long. But when I dragged it into my marriage with True, thats when the cycle REALLY went into a crazy cycle.

I don't know why it took so long for me to realize that I was really destroying myself with this. I don't know why True chose to stick around.

I guess I could write so much about all of this. But all I really want to say is that I am thankful. As I watched MNL spin around her house in a frenzy on the one day the True and I were looking forward too, all I could be was thankful.

Thankful that....

...True said, "Enough! I am out. Out of feelings, resources, patience and love!"

...G. was nosey enough to intrude on my conversation on my phone

...G. introduced me to what this was.... an addiction.

...P.S. knew about a web-site and some books that may help

...I admitted to myself that I was fucked up in the head and needed help

...Thankful that of every church I called that said, "Your a sexual wha???", K. called back and said, "Lets Talk."

...God sobered my mind and let me see a light.

...True stick it out with me, even on the real bad days.

...G. knew what I meant when I said I cried at my desk last night.

...God surrounded me with people who knew, loved and accepted.

...Last year on Thanksgiving morning, God graced me with the ability to move towards a new direction.

I understand now that addictions are laying in a lot of things. We make idols out of alot of things. Hell, I know food addicts. But to those who are thinking that you must be a freak, cos you are a sexual addict. That it would have been better to be an alcoholic or druggie, cos at least people can "accept" that. To those who feel trapped and strongheld by their worst fears and images. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Praise to God for his everlasting love. He doesn't hate me and he never did.

Superstar Indeed

Yesterday afternoon my dad called me, "Hey, you wanna go see Jesus Christ Superstar tonight?"

::KA-CHING!!! Freakin dope::

Besides The Latino's, Santana and Petra, my dad raised me listening to the Rock Opera Jesus Christ Superstar. I used to think it was cheesy when I was little, but somewhere around 18/19 years old I finally got into it. I mean like psychotically into it.

It was exciting to go see the tour of the Broadway production of this opera cos I knew that Jesus was going to be play by Ted Nealy and..... well, I guess it doesn't matter. What matters is that My dad invited me and we were both excited to see it.

A lot of people criticize the opera as though it makes light of the actual story of Jesus's last week on earth. Mainly because it portrays Judas as being convinced that Jesus is somehow faking the Son of God thing for a poltical gain and it is getting out of hand. And also because it shows Mary Magdalene as totally being in love with Jesus and struggling to not let her emotions get in the way of His mission on earth. Both of these issues I would love to write about today, but I do not have the patience or the skills of G.

No matter what people think of the opera, it means a lot to my dad. It was the sound of Jesus getting 39 lashes on his back, blasting through a sound system in a welding shop at the bottom of a battleship almost 40 years ago, that brought his heart back to God.

So there we sat, 3rd level, Row N, seats 15 & 16, at the edge of our seats so we wouldn't miss anything. Listening to Judas belt out to Jesus that his followers have too much heaven on their minds.

It was so cool to sit there with my dad and enjoy something that intrigues each of us. Neither of us is into sports or cars. So we don't sit in the garage talkin about the stats of the last big game. We discuss grace, God, Latin Rock and Jesus fricken Christ Superstar. Hell yeah.

And yet through all my excitement of enjoying this with my dad... I began to feel a tug at my spirit. God was telling me to listen and to feel. And the God spoke to me....

"He was just a man."

Now, don't think of me as a blasphemer. I know God was not saying that Jesus wasn't the Messiah and Christ, but what he was saying, "The last week of his life was rough. He went through so much. And he was still a human."

I began to pay attention to the story and watched him struggle with a crowd of followers that did not completely understand or grasp his message. The overwhelming rockstar feeling of being followed everywhere. Where you have to preach from a boat on the sea so people don't over crowd you. The dreams.... nightmares of people reaching out to you. Begging for you to heal them. Everyone has a need, and you've got to fill it. The struggle between balancing himself as human as well as the son of God. Being praised with palm trees and a red carpet of coats one weekend, knowing very well that these same people would be screaming "Crucify Him" in just one week. The knowledge that two of your closest friends would be selling you out soon. Screaming out to God, "I don't know if I can do this anymore. I know this was the deal. But I am not sure I can die for the whole damn world anymore." The mocks, the punches in the face, the whips to his back. He did so much and took such a beating for humanity, knowing very well that all of humanity would eventually mock him with their actions anyways. Even to the point of him, as he hung on that cross, feeling God turn his face. "My God.... Why have you forsaken me?"

His whole life was madness. A balance of the mind of God in the mind of a man. Knowing his mission on earth and yet wanting to be human. Trying to keep on track with the Ultimate plan, and yet being completely frightened to death of the future. Trying to find a balance.

Have you ever loved somebody so much... and they were hurting themselves... and you couldn't stop them...so it tore you apart? Imagine feeling that for a whole world of people.

It just became a realization for me that Jesus, while the son of God, was merely a human when he roamed on earth. He had to take on a whole society and generation...and reform it. I can't write it like I understand it... like I feel it. And you won't understand it until you feel it for yourself.

But Jesus Christ truly was... well, a Superstar.

I end with this thought:
"He made the world a grassy road before our bare, wandering feet...Then crushed the stones into the softest sand between our toes...But we're wondering where to sleep" --- Aaron Weiss

3 Little Birds

1.) God is teaching me humility.


"Why do bad things happen to good people?"
"A good person is merely someone who hasn't been caught."

"There is no one righteous, not even one;

there is no one who understands,

no one who seeks God.

All have turned away,

they have together become worthless;

there is no one who does good,

not even one."

Psalms 53:1-3

I woke up early this morning, for a Saturday. I could still taste Rum and Taco Bell on the back of my tongue and I knew that I had exasperated my ability to fart. If I pushed again it would not be noise and air.


Washing my hands after my morning stool, I stared in the mirror. Gargeling the Cool Mint Listerene in my mouth... I was happy.... but still tired.


Seems like I had just laid down when she got up. I listened as she entered the bathroom. 'She probably can't fart anymore either', I think to myself.


I feel her back in the bed. She stretches out next to me. I feel her feet runn down my leg and I instantly become motivated. One thing leads into another and my motivation becomes action.


20 minutes later, my head between her breasts, she plans out our morning. Coffee at the park to catch the sunrise, make a grocery list on a bench, go shopping and then come home and make breakfast.


As we back out the driveway and prepare to start our happy little morning I hear, "Oh shit! They bashed your window! Oh god! The drums!"


I stand there looking into the vehicle but trying not to touch anything. I can see that they took as many drums as they could squeeze out, but they left a lot of things. Like they got frustrated that their smooth steal got a little cramped and scared that things were taking too long. I look around and notice the stereo is totally gone. "Damn it!"


I got in the car and we went and completed our morning plans.


A year ago I woulda thought that God was punishing me. As though he was mad. 'You haven't been paying your tithes! You are reaping what you've sown!!! God is pissed at me.... I must be sinning!'

I mean, come on. Anytime you are violated like that, the first thought is, "Who is to blame here?" And we went on with our morning and I kept bringing it up. I was disappointed. I never did stuff like that when I was younger. I wasn't trying to convince myself that I was reaping some seed of an old sin, but I just thought, what is going on in society when the desperation for money or food or whatever is coming down to just randomly breaking anything at anytime to obtain something that isn't mine. I guess I was just feeling volated is all. And in my pride to sound like I was seeking to be above it all I asked God, "What do you want me to learn Lord?"

::God chuckles::

Learn? I didn't DO this. I am not trying to teach you something. I am not 'allowing' this to happen to you because you did something. Think about it.

a.) You are bummed because you don't have insurance on that vehicle and that window will be paid out of the money you don't even have.
b.) You are bummed because they took 3 critical pieces of a drum set that was going to a youth group at your church and you were gonna surprise them with this as a gift.
c.) You are bummed because they took that stereo that is the heartbeat of your car. Even when you're running late, you won't leave until that stereo is on.

I know you are bummed David. I was the one who whispered in your ear, 'Just go, enjoy your morning with Trudy. It will be okay.' I know how violated you feel and I know how frustrated you feel, but the world turns and the days are evil. People are roaming the earth with no direction. They are all making choices. Some good and some bad. Just like you.....

Stop.... Just like me???
The it hit me.

a.) I have owned the vehicle for almost 3 months now and I have yet to get insurance on the dumb thing. Sometimes I have had the money to do it and I didn't do it. I haven't even changed the plates to register under the new vehicle type. I have been driving around illegally. That has been my choice though.
b.) I have had that drumset in the back of that Blazer for almost 2 weeks now. Not covered, not hidden. Just sitting there in plain view. I have procrastinated delivering it to the church cos I chose to not make time to drop them off.
c.) That stereo was installed by me 2 weeks after I got the vehicle. The only thing left to do was to fasten it in to the hole so it was more stable. Sometimes when I would take off too fast the whole stereo would slide out. That thing was a stereo thiefs dream. I chose to leave the stereo as is, laying in the slot, unfastened, because I was gonna do it manana.

Somebody chose to rob me last night. And I can't control that. But a lot of the pain and frustration that I experienced could have been avoided if I had controlled my choices a little better. But I rest in knowing this:

Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.

"When the rain falls, it don't fall on one mans house...." --- Robert Nesta


________________________________________
2.) God is teaching me trust.

All I can think about is.... is someone breaking into my vehicle tonight?
Are they out there right now?
Why is the dog barking?
Shit! I can't afford another window!!!!

God speaks, "I didn't give you a spirit that makes you a slave to fear. But you received my spirit. The Spirit of sonship. And you can call out to me, 'Daddy, I am scared, give me rest.'"

The sun shines

And leaves blow

And my hope like autumn is turning brown

I know it seems like I am always falling down

But it does not matter to me

Although it seems like it should

It's because I know I am understood when I hear Him say

Rest in me little David

And dry all your tears

You can lay down your armorA

nd have no fear

Cause I'm always here

When you're tired of running

I'm all the strength that you need

It's up hill both ways

Tomorrow I swear I won't act this way

I know it seems like that's what I always say

But it does not matter to me

Although it seems like it should

It's because I know I am understood

When I hear Him say

Rest in my little David

And dry all your tears

You can lay down your armor

And have no fearCause I'm always here

When you're tired of running

I'm all the strength that you need

-lyrics by David Bazan

_________________________________________________

3.) God is becoming my healer.

I won't dive into this too deep because I am not inviting discussion or debate on this issue. Nor do I want anyone to think that they are some how below me or that I am even implying that. I think everyone should live his life according to his own actions, choices and beliefs.

This is where I am at.

Isaiah 53:5 - "But he was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed."

---- He got his ass kicked for me so that I won't have my ass kicked by sickness, brokeness or bondage. Not just a spiritual metaphor, but literally.

1 Corinthians15:55-57 - "O death, where is your victory?

O death, where is your sting?”
For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its power. But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.

---- Death has no power over me. Nor does the deception of 'sin'.

John 8:44 - "For you are the children of your father the devil, and you love to do the evil things he does. He was a murderer from the beginning. He has always hated the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies.

---- His death was truly for my life. His blood truly means something. You cannot take this from me. Satan is trying to convince me that Christ's death is not as big a deal as it was. Well fuck you, you lying devil!

Summed up? I am not taking medicene anymore. Not that I am now. But next time I start feeling the effects of that liar telling me that I have a cold or that I am getting a headache.... no medicene. I am not preaching against doctors or surgeries or anything like that. You do what you gotta do. But I am tired of the devil dictating the fear of sickness in me. I don't get sick. I allow Satan to convince that I am sick.

I am done believing the lies.

This is not a new religion, but rather a revelation.... for me. I just wanted to testify to that.

Moving On

Part1:

She's been packing for a week now.

In her head... for a year now.

He's flippin out. Keeps fading back and forth between: a- being happy its over and b- the absolute fear that it could possibly really be over this time.

Its like when you grow your hair out real long...

the day you decide to cut it is a hard one

Or when you threw away that toy.

Cos last time you did it, you remember what it

felt like when suddenly you wanted to play with it

... and it was gone

She's been packing for a week now.
In her head... for a year now.

He's sitting selfishly at a computer trying to comprehend it. Not the move, mainly the lack of communication. He feels like he is accepting a truth that hurts to swallow.

It's not that they are starting to grow apart

Somewhere long ago they grew apart

He recognized it that first night

Somewhere near Gill Hill and the base of Pierce

He listen in confusion

What the fuckin hell happened here?

She's been packing for a week now.

In her head... for a year now.

He's sifting through texts and picture mail. He shouldn't be there. He knows it. She knows it. And He knows it. But he is stuck here right now. Scared of how to make amends.

Like when I beat the shit outta kid

I didn't want to see any one from that family

Shame. Humiliation. Guilt.

All feelings that were falsely shoved on me.

But on me they were.

She's been packing for a week now.

In her head... for a year now.

He's sleeping soundly this evening. Cos he knows its finally over. And yet That One knows that his destruction has just begun.

But now it’s over and I can’t stay sober

Pour and swallow

Follow one shot with another

I'll keep on till you agree to come back over

Or until there are X's on my eyes

My old man always swore that hell would have no flame

Just a front row seat

To watch your true love pack her things and drive away

She's gone now. Palabra!

___________________________________________

Part2:

blood stains on the carpet --- blood stains on my hands

drag her toward the kitchen --- hide the evidence

oh the toil a lie can bring --- that quitters never know

but lies can be the perfect things --- if they never show

the crisis posed a question --- just beneath the skin

the virtue in my veins reply --- that quitters never win

she almost ruined everything.........

__________________________________________
Part3:

Hello Operator

::static::

I would like to place a call

::static::

Um, to the pale gray telephone that is hanging on the wall.

::static::

I know this sounds crazy, but... um, could you patch me through?

Its just that.... you know, so she doesn't hear me ringing.

::static::

I will wait. I've got nothing else to do.

::ringing::

So when she finally picks

::ringing::

me up

::ringing::

::fading::

Checking for a dial-tone,

::fading::

To finger in the number of.... 'oh dear god' ---

Her new lover's telephone.

::faded::

::drowning::

I will be resting on the earlobe that I use to hunt

...and peck

::dreaming::

I will slowly wrap myself around her pretty little neck

I'll begin the explanation as to why she cannot breathe.

::drowning::

You should not have been unfaithful!!!

You should not have ever fucked with me!!!!!

::dreaming::

::static::

Hello? Hell.... Oh.

Fewer Moving Parts, part ii

I have shaped my faith around 3 influences:

The Bible
My Dad
David Bazan's lyrics

This week has been a Bazan week for sure. This song means much right now:

If you make a reference to some trouble that you know
can it help you keep it under control
or should i really re-consider my reasons for going solo
david burn on by costessput it pretty well
but i put it better....

i still run the show and dont you forget it
so i had to let some go
dont think i dont regret it
because i do and i dont think im better off alone

man i could have, had a big sound
but i love to let my friends down
if you were moving parts
there'd be fewer broken pieces
and every other start requires a brand new thesis

one good friend remarks with a rightfully angry
jesus, do none of us know what to do with you?

i in my pride responded i got news for you, none of you have to cos...

i still run the show and dont you forget it
so i had to let some go
dont think i dont regret it
because i do and i dont think im better off alone

man we could have made a big sound
but i love to let my good friends down

But here is my deepest revelation today.

Dear Family,

I love you. I really do.
But somewhere we lost connection.
It was probably me. It's usually always me.
But seriously, it needs to end. We need to part.
I feel like I am no use....have been no use to eachother.

C. --- You talk so much shit about me and my faith behind my back. I have tried to make myself available to you but you have shunned me. Good job with the 'love' of Christ. You may be in love with a higher love, but is that higher love in you?

E. --- You would take heed from Mr. Bazan. We are like the story of Winners Never Quit. Since we were babies you have tried to spite me with your holiness. Grandma, David didn't pray. LOL. I didn't pay either son. Jesus paid. And I figured that out long ago. My life has been just fine.

L. --- Fuck you. Straight up. You are another shit talker. I have tried to put myself out there, but you are just fucking stupid. I wish I didn't hate you.

B. --- What happened? Was it her? Shit man. I enjoyed our closeness when we were close. But these past few years have been death. I hope you figure out what will make you happy. I hope you become successful. Maybe thats what you need. But I tried so many times to help you and you have said no. I have never tried to be better than you. I just figured it out first. That's all. But even now.... shit man. I am floored. And I even offered my deepest of secrets too you. You could have avoided all of this. Damn, you think I don't know. Well that is too bad man. I do know. I knew. I have been waiting for it and I kept telling you that it could be avoided. But you don't care. Was it her? And whats worse is.... M. knows more than me. DAAAAAMN! Thats cool though. You chose this. I don't judge you. I weep for you. You have no idea the hell that awaits. Not the bible hell. The hell with no flames. Come visit me when you get it. I will still love you. But for now... I must go solo.

S. --- God hates it. It was a fucking vow. But you gave up too I suppose. Its different with you cos I thought you knew I wanted to be there. I did. I still do. But you have others. And thats fine. You will figure it out I suppose. But I hope now you see how the little compromises have led to the turning of your back. I am not judging you either. You break my heart. You may think I compromise. But I don't. I may compromise my pleasures, but I would NEVER compromise my faith. It was an oath before GOD!! GOD!!!!!! My fingers tremble for the curse that awaits. But I love you and I will always. I guess the secular theories put it well, but I put it better.

M. --- Pussy. I told you man. You're a pussy. OATH OATH OATH!!!!!

God heal my broken heart. They will think I hate them, or I am judging them. But I am sad for them. And deeply. I am sad that I had the answers and they ran. What did you teach me for? To save the swine at work? And yet my family drowns. You are a God I will never understand and yet I love you so much because you showed me so long ago.

P. --- I love you both so much. Thank You. You never annoyed me. You never judged me. You always loved me. And you will always love us. And though I wish I could say I have killed myself to keep at least one of the 3 oaths together. I did it for me. Better than not. I want to say I'll be back. But who knows. Right now I know my inheritence awaits there. But they will need it more than me. I denied that curse long ago. They have chosen to swallow that red pill. "Swallow it down just like a pill...." Just retire. Shit. You guys deserve it. We have paid you back with the worst. Sorry.

K. --- Always. ALWAYS. I'll be waiting.

D&D --- Prayers and tithe to you. LOL. Poor you guys. I will enjoy our brief time and I hope that we can serve you some day. But right now it is time to leave. Its just a season. But the last season was so loooooong! So we'll see. Family Camp '09???

T.C.O.M. --- My brothers. I write in tears. Thank you for your love. For the fun times. Those 2 years were some of the best. O. taught me to smile always. There's always a brighter side. Nothing can be that bad. To him, this is exciting. S. taught me to not worry. Nothing is worth being stressed about. Friends can be a million miles away and right there at the same time. To him this was exciting. A. taught me to think outside the box. Damn you kid. You taught me that life is too short to think it all the way through. To him this was exciting. Come visit brothers.

G. --- Your life brings mine strength. How you have survived I'll never know. But this is so small in comparison to your life. Come visit me. I'll have Rum. Hell, bring Bailey.

Fewer moving parts means fewer broken pieces. If I drop you now, I won't feel so bad when you fall apart. Out of sight out of mind.

Love,
The Biggest Dick head you ever knew......



Dear Greeley,

I never wanted you. I never wanted to. I know I told you I did. In front of witnesses. And then we lit one wick, but now I get my kicks. I know you never suspected. Because I never said, "Baby I was faking the whole time." How could you ever have guessed it? With no accomplices. But, Baby, I was faking the whole time. You know it isn't like me to be inflammatory. But rather than let you think that I was so naive, I'd have you believe. I never wanted you, I never wanted you. You never had my heart. Our love was never true. I know you never suspected. Because I never said, but Baby, I was faking the whole time. How could you ever have guessed it?With no accomplices, Baby, I was faking the whole time. No we never connected.You only thought we did.

Baby, I was faking the whole time.

-David

P.S. --- I hate you now..... because you're just like me.

Fewer Moving Parts..., Part i

'Just hit the ball..... just hit the ball'

This is what I keep thinking to myself. 'Just hit the ball.'

G. thinks I am a total homo cos I started golfing based on the false obsession of RUde Boys when I was 18. I am like, "Hey, Five Iron Frenzy.... come on ?!?!" But he thinks I am gay regardless, so I still play golf.

Today I went with my sister in laws room mate to hit some balls at the range here in Vegas (New Mexico). I haven't hit balls in a while. I have just been busy... and broke. =)

But I needed to hit today. I needed to know that I could live here. That I could call Trudy and say, "Hey, I am gonna stop by the range real quick and then I'll be home."

So there I was. It was cold. It had been a few weeks since I has hit. My clubs sat in my trunk all night. Cold hands + cold clubs = Great excuse for shitty hitting. I thought about my brother in laws recent advice. Hit with the front foot equal to the ball. EH, I still couldn't get it. 30 balls down and I am getting discouraged. Then I look at that dumb little ball.....

JUST HIT THE BALL!!!

Literally like a voice from heaven. I stopped thinking about the foot position, and the speed of my back swing, and keeping my eye on the ball..... and I just swung ::BAM:: I watched that ball float high and dry. Straight as an arrow. I grabbed the next ball. 'Just hit the ball' ::BAM::

I hit 4 more. Straight.... long.... HIGH!

Then the devil came and said.... "Maybe its just this 4 Iron you got."

I grabbed the 6 Iron.

'Just hit the ball' ::BAM:: Straight.... long.... HIGH!!!

56 Degree Wedge ---- 'Just Hit The Ball' ::BAM:: you get the jist.

I don't know if I will ever hit like that again. But I walked off that green with two thoughts.

1.) If I can approach the situations of my life like I approached that driving range. Just say, "David, stop over thinking HOW your gonna do and just do it. God is with you and he will open the doors that you need to walk through. Just swing and watch it fly!" If I could just do that, then Rosemarie will have me here in a month. And you know what? If she doesn't. God has a better job in store here. Whats State Farm anyways? God has been my rock there anyways. Not anybody else. I just need to hit the ball.

2.) Fewer moving parts means fewer broken pieces. Greeley has become a huge part of my life. But it i me trying to get THEM to be my friend. It has been me trying to convince them to see Jesus. ME, trying hang out with them. Wanting to be there for them. And all I desire now is to call 425-???? and say. "hey babe, I am gonna stop by the range first and then I'll be home."

More to come in part ii.....