So, off of 12 shots worth of Rum... here are thoughts... (dear God, i asked Trudy for a half hour. Must write quickly.....)
I found this piece of paper on Saturday afternoon in an old chest I have. I was scouraging through old letters and such and found this. Just a thought. I was 18 when I wrote it.
WORD FOR WORD:
Birds should have a natural instinct to fly south for the winter.
But in this town, I see the same damn birds every year waiting around.
They have to know it's getting colder, right?
Maybe they think they have more time?
Maybe they're too lazy.
Maybe they're waiting for their friends
Maybe they've been "hangin around" so long they don't even consider leaving anymore.
They just try and make it through another cold winter...
and they hope not to die.
I guess it wouldn't bug me so much if there wasn't so many of them.
But I have to watch them as they scrounge for food and crap all over the place.
It gets annoying.
I can't stop any of this.
It's not like i can talk to them.
But it would just be nice if they'd leave this cold ass town at least once.
I bet they'd like it.
(And I bet you thought I was talking about birds)
I read this and it opened my eyes. I am the bird. I was the bird. I still am that god damned bird. Waiting aroud. Waiting for people to see it like me. Waiting for people to change. Waiting for the circumstance to turn out better. But you know what? That will never happen. People won't ever think like me. People will never feel like I do. When I say, "Hey... I am in love with you." Though they may say, "I am on the same page!" Really, they are giving me a dose. A kind word. A response that will get me through the moment. Hoping to God that I will be pleased and move on. But i don't move on. I am the bird. I am sitting in the park. Freezing on the lake. Trampling around in the shit of my peers waiting for things to be better.
Ah... the only difference between medicene and poison is in the dose.
It was... it has always been poison. David Bazan wrote a song. "I Am Always The One Who Calls" Fuck me mate! Oi! So true! God bless the bugger; she tells me to call. "Have you called your mom?" she says. But when i call, it is this conversation of awkwardness. "Oh... do you want to talk to your dad?" No, I called to speak with you!!!!
But thats how it has been with my friends and family. All the time I was led to believe that absense made the heart grow fonder. Nay. Between fonder and farther, She has chosen farther.
Like a STOP sign that i didn't know existed.... "Lets face reality. Lets get real."
When She stops me like that... well, I just know. It's one of those "Lets get real moments." Its like the song says, "Nothing last forever!"
FUCK! Bly-miegh!
I thought this was real. You are waiting for the end? FUCK! You are seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. A light where your world shines without me in the picture.
Its cool though. This is why I moved.
"and if i kept this feeling safe...trembling eye lens...holding me there...we laugh in the face of love...cause nobodys really there...nobody's real...this tired--- i would try it either way, we believe in something invisible...this sense of smell that you use all your life---well now you know you found the right...it's all there...so find me a place to begin"
I KNEW that it would come to this. I am just surprised that i am surprised.
"Well don't call me by my full name, all this is temporary. It feels much better to know that you own't feel a thing. Don't talk about it, Write it down But don't ask for help. I can't be honest with even myself. Did you ever wish you were somebody else? Move one inch at a time and you'll be just fine... Move one inch at a time and you'll find They pulled me in, but Accomplishments are transient."
Oh....I tried to say, "This couldn't feel more wrong. I can't believe its happening or lasting this long." If we know each other then why should it be so hard to make it stop?
What I tried to say?--- "This isn't real, and I feel ashamed that I dont think that I can heal. It's a shame that I would pretend before making amends." But.... nothing you've ever planned on ever turned out the way you planned. You're still disappointing them.
And you dissappointed me.
But its cool. We're cool right? We're always cool. It's just that I was sitting on the cold ass fucking lake singing, "I’ll be waiting-I hope that it’s worth it but I’ll never know".
Silly fucking bird.
So.... remember what I wrote you! Like a poem...
So the wind that blows across your room carried cheap perfume onto your dresser. It rained for jewelry and for credit cards, two tickets to a film I don’t remember. One day you’ll kiss your rabbit’s nose, pick up the phone to find I've been turned over. And you’ll grab that piece of gold only to find that the smell has taken over. Now all the things you had, they aren’t the same... as what you hold. And I'm standing in my row, it’s filled with older folks, pleading "Davey please listen" And I scream as loud as anyone, but when asked to make a point I tend to whisper Now highways turn to tidal waves, they’re asking me to export all of your insecurities. But that wind that blows across your room its gonna set the sails, and send me back to you. But... sometimes, when sailors are sailing they think twice about where they’re anchoring. I think, I could make better use of my time on land. Ill drink less cos lord knows I could use a warm kiss instead of a cold goodbye. I’m writing the folks back home to tell them "Hey I’m doing alright!" It’s a shame what your father did to your brother’s head when he smashed it with a telephone. And your mother got scared and locked the door --- you were only four, but lord you remember it --- So now you’re scared of love? I’m here to tell you love ain't just some blood on the receiver! Love is speaking in code. It’s an inside joke. Love is coming home. Sometimes, when sailors are sailing they think twice about where they’re anchoring. I think, I could make better use of my time on land ill drink less cause lord knows I could use a warm kiss instead of a cold goodbye. I’m writing the folks back home to tell them "Hey I’m doing alright" yeah I’m doing just fine and if she seems as lonely as me..... let her sink. Yeah I'm doing alright. Yeah I'm doing just fine. And if she seems as lonely as me... let her sink. Let her sink. LET HER!
Fuck birds.
I am a fuckin bird. I am too nice to not be one.
I am a bird.
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