When They Really Get to Know You, They Will Run

"Then we can pretend it's natural...."

::immediately on a side note:: I just found out that one of my favorite artists David Bazan is doing a House Show Tour. Yea.... playing houses. Not gonna be near me though. He'll be in Boulder and FoCo in April. Sad face.... Anyways.

I was thinking a lot about love on my drive back from Greeley yesterday. It seems like every song that came up on my LDN mix on my I-Pod was a love song of some sort. Even the song "Love Rhymes with Hideous Car Wreck" by the Blood Brothers came on..... I don't even know how that song made it in that mix.

Love is a pretty amazing thing. But it can also torment you. Think of Jesus. There he is, sitting on the hill that overlooks Jerusalem, heartbreaking, "Oh my poor Jerusalem.... you had the son of God among you and you rejected him." That love drove him to die for humanity. But than I think of the love that God has for me. A good love. A love for all of us. One that said, I don't want these people to suffer anymore. I love them so much, i will give up my son for them. Whoa!

So much went through my head on my drive. It was a beautiful drive. Once I hit New Mexico, the skies did what they always do and they created the best clouds ever. i love the clouds in this state. They are the best. Since the first time I crossed the state line, I have always loved the clouds here.

I stopped thinking about falling into Love and started thinking about how to identify TRUE Love. I started thinking about my daughter. She's on her way.... she's making her debut soon. I have never met her. I talk to her all the time and I try to hug her. I am making her a playlist to listen to while she waits to come out. I would die for her, I would kill for her. And I have never met her. It's madness.

I think about my sister in laws boyfriend. Sometimes I wonder if he loves his son.... my nephew. I mean, we all love to a degree I am sure, but i wonder if he LOVES that kid. He wasn't even in the delivery room when the kid was born. The kid once pee'd his pants right in front of him and he started lauging at the kid. WTF? He's young... I get it, but still. Something has got to make you snap, right?

My wife told me that she thinks i inspired the dude to start fixing up his house. He saw me getting handy on my new pad and apparently suddenly started fixing ish at his place. That's funny. I started thinking.... well, i bet i can get this kid to be a better dad. He'll see the way I love on my daughter and he'll wanna step up his game. He's a jock, he's a chad, he's a frat boy. He likes the competition. "Anything you can do i can do better..." you know - that shit.

And mark my words. It WILL happen. I know it. i have watched him do it with me anywhere we go. He watches me and then he desires to beat me at it. The better fisher, snowboarder, fire starter, rubix cube finisher..... whatever. And so that's cool. Maybe him stepping up his game will make my sister in law like him more. But....

The problem still exists. Doing something out of love is a lot different than doing it out of competition. What happens when he becomes a better father than me (Ha.... have to laugh on that one), but still.... So he conquers the good dad/good husband thing. I know what will happen. He'll stop. Okay, i beat you.... next!

He needs to learn.... Ha, I heard that song on my playlist yesterday too --- "THE HARDEST THING YOU'LL EVER LEARN IS JUST TO LOVE AND BE LOVED IN RETURN!!"

You can't love others until you love yourself. You can't give what you don't have. And sometimes love of self is hard. Especially when you know who you are. So for my sister in laws boy.... I mean, he's talked to me about it. He hates life sometimes and he hates where he is at. He is unhappy with the truck he has and unhappy in the trailer he lives in. That's rough stuff.

Maybe I can love him. I'll love him so much he will try and love himself more than I do. By the time he figures it out he will be a new person.

I thought a lot about love yesterday on my drive home.

The scariest thing to me was realizing this:

She knows me. She knows who I am. I have never been able to hide anything from her. I spill it out without thinking. So i assume that at the first chance of seperation.... she'll run. I was expecting it. I was waiting for it. But she didn't run. We sit and we talk and it's like nothing ever stopped. And even though i think TIME WILL TELL.... I think maybe it will die out. I am scared and excited all at once at the thought that it will only increase. That's a lot to try and swallow.

But I am learning not to think all that ish through to much. Just let it be what it is today and go to sleep saying, "Today, it is what it is. And I am happy for it."

It's best though when these things are confirmed by God.

As my drive was wrapping to an end. I saw his hand in the sky. Almost as if to say, "Lee, it's gonna be okay!"

Or he was giving New Mexico bunny ears. Either way, he made me smile yesterday and that's why I love him.