Truly, Fully...

This morning I woke up and I could feel it in my spine.

Hatred.

I hate feeling hatred.

It makes me sleep hard with no rest.

The more I feel it, the more I hate it and the feeling only increases.

The worst part is that my blame for the source was lying in bed next to me.

It's easy to say things like, "I'm done".

Throw a bitch fit and go post it on Myspace as a mood.

It feels good to make subtle references on Facebook and gnarl about the situation.

But it fixes nothing. And I truly am lost for the solution this round.

I didn't post "I'm done", I actually posted "Betrayed". Cos that's actually how I feel. I am NOT done. Hell, I am just getting started. But a betrayal like this, at a time like this, only makes me wanna run to the theology; "My, Myself and I." That truly is a pirates way, right?
I made it until 9pm at least. But it crept on me. Why do I feel in the wrong? How am I to blame for this?

I have been more open than ever.

I have been upfront more than I am comfortable with.

I have tried to hide nothing.

I have told you everything.

I have given you access to everything.
If not, how did we get here?

Yes.... yes.....I am starting to see the monster I have created.

This is still my fault.

I will not take fault for the events that unfolded. That was you're own fucked up mind.

But what if I am the one who created that fucked up mind?

Did I?

No..... by your own admission, no.

You've been doing this to your family long before I met you.

You just married the king is all.

So in my heart I say, when does it end? Where is the good day? I don't see it ever happening. I told you long ago, "If you go digging for something.... you will always find something."

Even if it means convincing yourself that the Pyrite really is a 14k nugget.

I still don't know what triggers these investigations, but it makes me understand a Man's Man mentality.

"The bitch ain't ever gonna trust me, so might as well...."

Ya, might as well.... Don't think so.

The worst part though, is what is always the worst part.

There will be no apology.

No, "I'm sorry I don't love you enough to trust you at all anymore."

No, "I'm sorry for when I let this thing inside of me get the best of me."
Nah, we'll blame it on the holy spirit (who was begging you to stop in the first place) and call it good.

Yes, yes.... I am learning what it takes to be a real man. I call the Man's Man a bitch.

Truth be told, the man I am is a bitch. Cos that's the man the bible says to be.

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her...." Ephesians 5:25

Truly, Christ is the man I want to be. The world's view of the bitch.

Can't do nothing right. Always a let down. Can't do enough to earn trust and can't sacrifice enough to earn love. No matter what he does, we can never let go of the times he has let us down. (Dave, Jesus will never let us down! ~ Fuck you if I haven't shaken my fist at the sky more than a few times!) Yet he is willing to continue being the bad guy. Willing to keep serving as much as he can to prove his love for us. Even if the reality is that we will never truly, fully love him. We will never truly, fully trust him.

It's hard to be that man. And today, I don't wanna do it anymore.

But I have to think of the times I have shaken my fist at the sky.

Let my distrust overcome me and yelled at God.

"What are you doing?

Why did you do that?

What are your intentions?

Are you trying to hurt me?"

I will never truly, fully be God's kinda man. But today I need to dust off my pride, shake my shoes and keep walking. There are better things ahead.

If you wanna join me, let's go. I know you didn't ask for it, but I forgive you. I do. Cos you did hurt me, but I can't change that now and everything happens for a reason.

And if you don't wanna walk any further with me. Well, fuck you. Ha! Yeah I said it. Fuck you. Cos that's the truth. And you can trust that. You're either on my side or you're on your side. Think it over.....

The worst thing is, I needed to write this to be able to let God work in me to just let this go. But it will probably lead to more friction.
I don't care. It will get me through right now. And right now is all I have to work with.
Truly, fully.....

The Psalm for Today:

red and orange or red and yellow

in which of these do you believe

if you’re not sure right now please take a moment

i need your signature before you leave

Because I need to know right now

I have no time for these games anymore

Want me, love me, trust me

or burn me now and walk out that door

when i sleep i’m usually dreaming

though more and more it’s only one

where every hired gun i’ve ever fired

is making love to you while i look on

You do the same things

I see it like you see it

but you see it like I see it

It's the same, minus the PAST

all fallen leaves should curse their branches

for not letting them decide where they should fall

and not letting them refuse to fall at all

Selah

digging up the root of my confusion

if no one planted it, then how does it grow

and why are some hell bent upon there being an answer

while some are quite content to answer i don’t know

When you care this much

yes dear, it hurts

The angle is never clear

Your emotions smother the view

all fallen leaves should curse their branches

for not letting them decide where they should fall

and not letting them refuse to fall at all

Amen

red = David Bazan

orange = David Herrera

Looking Ahead

A Brief Sermon from a Brief Sermon

I was relieved this morning to get a spiritual nugget from my father. Spending this weekend with my dad and his dad, ended up fairing out for the best. The 3 of us hung out yesterday all while playing fix it with my car. It was freezing cold and a tad frustrating at times. But we all bonded and I actually learned a lot about cars. But I am always craving the spiritual nugget. The one thing that is going to blow my brain and keep me chewing for a while.
Regular Sunday routine I suppose. Me trying to drink coffee while keeping my son entertained in the midst of a loud television with a random preaching from CTN. There are only 2 TV preacher people that influence me; Joseph Prince and Ann Burns. Anything else I see or listen to is merely to laugh and chuckle at. I like to listen to the Dr's and Reverends disect easy gospel fact and regulate their attendee's with fear. This morning was an English Baptist (yes there are baptist's in England!) pointing out 4 truths to his chruch that God told him to share. Now I don't doubt for a second that God gave this man these 4 truths. I just think this man forgot to ask God to elaborate on what he meant. I've done it. God gives an idea and I just start writing on it instead of asking God what He thinks about it. And so you get a truth and you mix it with some law and you get the blue brew. Let me explain....

The 1st Truth: God is always watching you!
This is very true. But watch how the human engulfed in law hears this. The Baptist Dr. of the Lord says, "Where were you this weekend? Who were you with? What did you see? GOD knows!" RAWGH!!!!! Now this is true. God DOES know all this. But this man used it as a fear tactic. God might as well be Santa! He knows when you are sleeping, He knows..... He knows... He knows.... You get where I'm going.
Of COURSE He knows! Otherwise we can't say He's all knowing. But why is that a bad thing? He is always watching me. He sees that I am struggling financially, that I am slowly drifting into old habits, that I am fighting with my wife, that I am depressed, lonely, hungry.... etc. He is watching and He sees me and He loves me and He is concerned. Better than that, He has created a way for me to get out. The problem is, I was raised to believe that not only is God watching me, but he also hates me. He hates what I do and who I have become. He's disappointed in me. So instead of running to him and saying, "Hey buddy, what's the answer here?" I run from him in fear so as not to anger him more. Like he lives in a volcano above the village that is my life, just waiting to spew his firey judgement on me.
This disturbs me so much. But when I mix this with Grace, suddenly I feel okay. I say, "Wow, right now, this sucks! Life is not exactly what i want it to be. Thank God He is watching me. He knows whats up and he knows the answer to get out. Should I keep heading this route or ask him whats up? Hmmmm!??!??

The 2nd Truth: Be Aware of The Lord's Coming!
This one was the nugget. The Dr. Pastor Baptist touted, "We must be aware of the Lord's coming! For we shall be raptured up, lest you be left behind due to your wickedness!" Whoa whoa whoa! Hardcore. That is defintely a truth from God, but when you mix it with the law.... well you get this shit.: BEWARE!!!!..... not Be aware.
Looking at this truth from a perspective of Grace I see, 'Be Aware of the Lord's Coming' as a past tense reference. As, "Be aware of the Lord's coming and what it meant!" Get it? Not be aware of the Lord's coming to eat your soul. The Lord came. Be aware, daily, of His coming and what it means. It means that you are free and free indeed. You no longer live under the fear of a law, you live under the light of the Son. Jesus coming again holds many mystery's, but one thing i know is this. Jesus will not return to this world to save it. He already did that. Jesus came and he saw and he conquered. He gave us health, prosperity, and, best of all, righteousness through his death. When he comes to this earth again, he will not be coming to save it, he will be coming to destroy it. And when he returns, how will you have spent your life? Will you have lived it to the fullest? Doubling what he gave you? (i.e. - The Parable of the Talents - Matthew 25:14-30; Luke 19:12-28) Or will you be like the wicked servant who went and hid his in the ground? Seriously! Are you enjoying what Christ gave you or have you buried it and sat around waiting for the 2nd coming?

I'm getting off track here. I suppose I could go on from there, but the other truths cannot be expressed here without me treading on the evangelical heel of heresy and I am not in the mood.

_______________________________________________________

Learning To Fly

In the past month I have suddenly been overwhelmed financially. I have succumb to the feeling of fed up. Fed up with being broke and grouchy for being broke. At times I feel the lack of money has spilled over into the list of fire starters within my marriage. Which sucks because I was raised with parents who never fought about money and my wife was raised with parents who always fought about money. So when we married, we agreed to never make money an object of argument.

Well, that has held to this day, but it definitely feels like the issue of money is definitely beginning to weigh in on the reasons we hate eachother. CORRECTION: I don't hate my wife, but i definitely feel hated. And do read in depth. I FEEL hated. Not actually am.

Regardless of what I am turning my feelings into, the reality is that I am feeling the tension. Nobody likes the feeling of constantly being broke. Nobody likes to hear, "No we can't get that because we don't have money." --- "They turned it off cos we didn't pay it...." --- "We can't eat cos I drank it away."

Refer to my previous script and here's where you find me. GOD! Damn it! I am done. Tell me again how to get out. This time I don't care. Whatever it takes.

My dad refered me some books. The first being, "The Richest Man In Babylon" Very interesting take on the scripts and tablets discovered from the greatest, richest civilization in history. Currently I am indulging my senses with the book "Live Rich". Again, very mezmorizing stuff on life, money and work.

What is funny to me though is how I would never imagine reading either of these books based merely on their titles. To me, "rich" and "richest" imply wealth. And in the country I live in, wealth is attained through capitolism. That is something i have a hard time with. But already I have learned this truth.

Just because the wealthy man is eating Prime Rib in his castle tonight does not mean that he is as happy as the man living in the shack eating a pot of beans.

Living Rich, as I have understood it is living life to the fullest and enjoying every day. That, I have tried to accomplish. My only hinderance is that sometimes my definition of 'full' or 'fullest' requires money.

So here I am at 30 retraining my brain to understand what RICH means. And what will it take to be financially stable enough to truly live RICH day in and day out?

Quite frankly, being rich to me means a lot of things. I do not even have the energy to type it out.

I DO know however that I must start changing immediate habits and luxuries. To attain money I must make money. To make money I must pay myself. Once I pay myself I can make more money. This will happen. I want to be the Robin Hood of these books and use the wealthy mans money to become rich.

My first steps have been to eliminate booze, TV, and Internet. Internet is readily available to me for free. No need to pay for it. TV is killing my brains and distracting me from my son. No need to let it continue robbing me. Booze? Don't get me started. Simple things that have taken their financial toll on me and have returned nothing but another year of debt. This is not a resolution or a band wagon folly. This is me taking control of my situation. This is me saying, "I will never borrow money again." This is my response to the option God has given me.

I don't want the mansion with a thousand rooms. I don't want the fancy cars and flat screen TV's. I just want to truly live rich with the balance of wealth, health and happiness. All things Jesus died for and gave to me. He became poor, sick and cursed so that I might enjoy the opposite. My change starts today.

Lyric

This is how the song would be sung today.... but I may change the lyrics to reflect the original intent:

Radical Amputation:

And when the sunlight finally kissed your eyes, "was it worth it?"

Cos all this talk talk talk about makin out
It's makin me, makin me wanna break it out
And shoot you in the face, watch you tumble down
Photograph all the blood spill from out your mouth
I thought I'd do you better to come back around
But by the time you read this, I will have left have town
Gone to El Porviner, waiting next to that well
On the phone or on a fax trying to make a sale

And when the sunlight finally kissed your eyes, "was it worth it?"
To sober up and see that all you missed was another debt and one more vagina to make you cringe?

Cos all we do anymore is just fuss n fight
The prize fighter broken down and it's not alright
Another empty year, another empty purse
And winners purging all their gold only makes it worse
Just Promise me that you can make it end
Or I will eat you whole and make you start again
If I am holding you back from the champions
Then pull the cord, roll my head & let me breathe again

It's over now (It's over)
Can't you see it? (Like me?)
This really is all it really is
And you really are all you really are

So when the sunlight finally kissed your eyes, was it worth it?
Under the influence, you see an unfortunate end. Where this has all been a distractions from getting you to close your eyes again....

I Am The Priest

INTRO: (Phone Tag)
The other night I was awaken by a screaming noise. These days it seems that is usually my son, but this time I could hear singing. I realized it was my phone ringing. I sprung from the bed and stumbled down the hallway. Anyone calling this late/early on a Sunday night/Monday morning must be in trouble. When I arrived at my phone I noticed I had missed a call from G. I usually get calls from G. at 2 in the morning on weekends when I know he's been rummaging towns with Sailor in hand (which is every weekend) and he just wants to say AHOY! But this is usually after we have already spoken through phone or text earlier in the night to concede yet another weekend drowned in the Sailor.

Worried, I called back immediately. No answer. Just voicemail. I called my phone to retrieve the voicemail he had left me. Needless to say I could tell within seconds that this call was the result of a bumped phone in the pocket of a drunk mate. I listened to a 10 minute long mumbled conversation and then went back to sleep. Of course G. got home hours later and noticed a missed call from me. After a days worth of phone tag, we finally connected to straighten out the whole mess. However, as I hung up the phone with my first mate, I realized that God works in mysterious ways.

When I am with G. it is Pints, Rum, Oracle, Occurrence and Foolery. The nights seem to linger, yet fly by so fast. But there are rare occasions when we have been able to focus on just one of these attributes with intensity. God chose Oracle for this recent phone call.

MEAT: (Value :: Values)
In the midst of private conversation, G. dove into a theory, nay, a truth of modern mythology. (Read here - Myth Building) In the ends of the conversation he dropped the line, We create our own values and we create our own value. I cannot say if he read that somewhere or if he graced it with his own brain, but it shook me.

I look at my life and I realize I am exactly what God knew I would be. He gave me the mind, spirit and soul to create myself. He new what I had to work with and he knew what I would do with it. If not so than his Omni-potence is void. And so my choice is to enjoy what I have created or changed it. It's my choice. Yes, He created me. But he created me to make myself. To give myself values and value. Understand the difference in verb just by adding the "s".

To me the "s" is Style. My value is put to work in my Style of living. My style of living reflects my valueS. And what made me smile was that G. made me realize that it is not I who should fear the cynics and the pharisees, yet it is they who should fear me!

In fact it was just Sunday at church that our morning class dove into a discussion about the prophecy of Simeon over Jesus on the 8th day after his birth when he said, "This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too." Luke 2:34,35

Jesus created his own value. And we value him to this day. But he also created his own values. He was probably the biggest let down to the Jewish community at that time in history since Moses turned meat into manna. They wanted the ultimate pharisee. The ultimate leader/prophet/puppet this side of the Red Sea. Yet, Jesus was not content to be restricted to their values. He chose his own. And though he hung with hookers and losers, he became the reason I live.

So what is MY value? What are MY values....

THE DIVE: (92 P.R.O.O.F.)
I hang with the 1%. We are pirates, thief's and vagabonds. Roaming the seas of life bragging on our treasure and enjoying the excess of it. Tis true! We did not discover this treasure on our own. It was given to us by the greatest Pirate, the biggest rebel of them all. He gave us this treasure and told us to create value to our path, love all, be free, help others and above all.... enjoy life.

I am 92 Proof. We are few, yet we are strong. My first mate is captain and I am proud to be on this broken vessel of a ship. Yo Ho! There are jesters, scientists, mad men, and me. Me? I am the priest. Can you believe that? Of everyone.... I deem myself the priest. Does it scare you? It shouldn't.

Because while the "believers" of the world are scared, hungry, dying and bitter. We sail on high seas, enjoying life among the Pints Rum Oracle Occurrence and Foolery.

Blessings to the Blessed

Lyric

LOVE IS A BAZOOKA

Ain't it funny how we've all been weeping
Same old story of the GREAT big let down
Under bridges of the lines and the dots
Shocked about what you found out now

But, I could blow it up, with my Bazooka
You could blow it up, with your Bazooka
We could blow it up with a Bazooka
Oh, how will blow it up with our Bazooka
Cos we all know love is a Bazooka!

Ain't it strange how we always end up here?
You did it to me again and I'm scared to think...
Can you imagine if I hadn't stopped you?
These days all it takes is the wink
One dry spell of the rum and the germs
Let me guess, You ran into that wall again?
But there were guarantees this round!
If you don't cut the rope, they pull you back in

But I can kill them with my Bazooka
And you can kill them with my Bazooka
We'll kill em all, with my Bazooka
We'll rise and fall, with my Bazooka
Cos we all know love's a Bazooka!

The envelope you passed me yesterday contained a curious scent.

(Why can't we just be friends and get along?)
I can tell by the way you've been looking at me lately that you want out

(I find myself quite fond of the way you wish you were dead)
Of course I love you pretty eyes, it's just that you make me absolutely miserable

(Surely you know I jest.... in regards to my happiness that is)
And you know I wouldn't say I hate you if it wasn't true. Because I love you

(You know I have never said I loved you because I I hate you so much)

And here I am again, gun in hand
A shiny toy full of love to wipe that smile off your face
I consider taking you out every now and then
Which one to use tonight? the pencil or the pen?

I wish I had the balls of a Bazooka
I wish I had the heart of a Bazooka
I wish i had the will of a Bazooka
I wish I had the love of a Bazooka
I want to kill you with my Bazooka
You cannot get away from my Bazooka
Cos I will trail you with my Bazooka
And I will thrill you with my Bazooka

Not A Boy Band

"Out-Of-Sync"

You ever feel like that?

That was me this week. I say was because I will not continue on the crazy cycle any longer.






























Mirror your basic thinking functions like this:
You are a moving walkway at an airport.
Every day you move situations, people, events, etc.
You serve a purpose every day. You provide a service whether you like it or not.
And whether you like the people or the situations that pass through you every day, you are still needed.

Day in and day out, you are who you are.
But what happens when your gear box fails, or the wheels on the conveyor belt fail.
What if the belt rips?
There are so many things that make the moving walkway work.
Just like you.
One thing goes wrong and boom!

So what happens when the maintenance guy stops servicing the moving walkway for a few days?
A few weeks? MONTHS!?!?!
Can you imagine?

There I am this morning, on my treadmill... pissed.
2 weeks ago I was jamming at 7.5 mph for 15 minutes straight before I had to lower the speed.
Took 1 week off cos I was "tired" and now here I am huffing up a lung at 6 mph.
Could one week of NOT running make THAT much of a difference?

YES!

And the reason I was tired the week before was because I wasn't running in the first place.
How's that for backwards?

Where are we going here Dave?

Well.... while I ran....er, jogged.... k, sped walked, I started really feeling down.
Here I am struggling to run on this treadmill. One more event in a crappy week.
Started Saturday night and has just made me resent November already.
Then I heard a whisper in my ear. Like someone had lowered the volume on my iPod.

"I am still righteous!"

I stop jogging for a second and turn around. No person there. Just Jesus. HA! JUST Jesus.

I started jogging again.

I think about how my daily time with God has become shorter in time and even less frequent in the past few weeks.
Now, I am NOT saying God was giving me a bad week because he was trying to get my attention or to make me feel bad.
In fact, this week hasn't been bad at all.

It's been just as crazy as any other week.
The same amount of people, events and situations passed through me as any other week.
It's been my ability to handle the load that has suffered.

When I let the "maintenance man" grease my gears and check my belts, things run fine.
I am able to function just fine regardless of how the day goes.
I am able to provide my service to the world.
Whether that means dealing with craziness all day or a lazy day with the iPod.

Today God reminded me that even when everything else around me seems wrong, HE is still righteous.

So if you are having a shitty week or month or day or just hour.

STOP!

Shut down the walkway for a sec.
Call "The man" and get back in sync.
You will begin to realize that everyday has potential to suck.
But when everything inside is in order, everything flows just fine regardless.

My Regards To Repentence

The word “repentance” is metanoia in the Greek, which means to change one’s mind. For example, you used to believe that Jesus was just a good man. Then one day, you repented and believed that He is the Son of the living God, who died for your sins and rose again on the third day, and you gladly took Him as your Savior.

I read this earlier and it continues to blow me away.
To understand that the work is done and that there is nothing I can do about it.

It pains me to no end to hear “Christians” and “believers” saying things like, “I feel bad about myself today….” or “I need to repent today….”
It’s similar to the whole, “I lost my salvation” line.
You didn’t lose your salvation. You felt like bitching out on your faith because you were mad at where YOUR decisions had taken you.
When some says they lost their salvation, I say, “Oh, here I found it. It was sitting here in my pocket right under your pride. Get bent!”

People who claim to be followers of the way and yet live lives of turmoil, unforgiveness, and guilt are not really ‘believers’. They want to believe, but they have not yet repented.

The word of God says, “If you try to be made right with God through the law, your life with Christ is over—you have left God's grace.” (Gal. 5:4)

Note, it doesn’t say that you leave God’s grace because you sin or because you don’t repent. It says you leave His grace (fall from Grace-NIV) because you try to mix law into your belief system. To be right with God is to believe in the Son. Anything apart from that is work. Work is law. And if you wanna go that route, well, stop saying you believe in Christ.

It amazes me how we were all lied to. Being told every week, “You need to get right with God! Repent!”
When, essentially, we were made to be the bride of Christ when we repented (changed mental direction). That bond is safe and secure. For those who are married, imagine if you had to get re-married every time you messed up? It would be quite costly every week, don’t you think? And how long would your spouse put up with you if every week you said, “Honey, we fought over the remote this week so we gotta get married again. We need to renew our vows cos I just don’t feel like the ones we made are valid anymore.”

Better yet. For those who are not married. Realize your faith to being a child of God. Now, think of how you were as a child with your parents. Can you imagine your mom saying, “Alright, crawl back in my vagina and be reborn. You are no child of mine unless I re-birth you. I just don’t feel like you are my child anymore since you spilled that milk.”

I realize some have had shitty marriages and/or childhoods, but do you get what I am saying here? Once we became the bride of Christ/children of God, that bond became safe and secure. If you note the scripture above it says, “You have left God’s grace” not the other way around. God doesn’t leave you, nor will he forsake you. Sound familiar?

So just like a marriage or even the act of being someone’s child. The only way to stop being in the relationship is for YOU to make a conscious decision to walk away. It’s when you say, I am out of here. You make the choice. So you don’t lose salvation. You walk away from it. You make a decision to cut ties with the very thing that gives you life.

So then I have heard people say, “Yeah, but you can sin so much that you just stop believing in Jesus and then that’s how you lose your faith.”
No, no! What does the word of God say?

“Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep. No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Rom 8:35-39)

So that argument is out.
And then what of sin? I mean, I still mess up. I still do things I shouldn’t do. Look at things I shouldn’t see. Speak things I shouldn’t say. Listen to things I shouldn’t hear….
Well, first understand what sin is.

Yes, word of God….
“When he (The Holy Spirit/Comforter) comes, he'll expose the error of the godless world's view of sin, righteousness, and judgment: He'll show them that their refusal to believe in me is their basic sin; that righteousness comes from above, where I am with the Father, out of their sight and control; that judgment takes place as the ruler of this godless world is brought to trial and convicted.” (John 16:8-11)

So we MUST understand this. Sin is not the act of doing ‘bad things’. Sin is the act of not believing in Christ and what he did. Sin is acts that contradict our belief system in Christ and what he did. Sin is us saying we are ‘christians’ yet running to God to repent. If we truly believed in God we wouldn’t repent of sins in the manner we do.

Example: “Jesus, please forgive me for gratifying myself to those images on the computer earlier. I know it was wrong and I still did it. Please forgive my sins.”

That prayer is breaking the validity of what Christ did at the cross. You are saying, ‘God, forgive me for doing that. I do not believe that your son’s blood was sufficient for that particular sin. So please forgive me.”
Understand that your sins are forgiven. Yesterday’s, today’s and the one’s you will commit in the future. That’s why the word, YES THE WORD, says “Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever.” His work at the cross was the final sacrifice. That’s why when he gave up his spirit he said, “It is FINISHED!”

So, when your spirit feels bad for something you are doing, going to do, or have done. Reference the word of God.
“… if anyone sins, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. And He Himself is the propitiation for our sins…“ (1John 2:1-2)
How awesome is that. You “sin” and Jesus is like, “It’s cool, I got this covered.”

But David, I still feel the need to pray and get it off my chest.
Me too!
I am just saying, change your tongue.

Example: “God, I thank you for your son Jesus. I thank you for His work at the cross. Because of him, I am righteous in your eyes. Jesus, I am sorry if I acted in any way that would have shown a disbelief in you. But I bless you and your father because you are both faithful and you do not lie!”

And this inevitably leads to the discussion of….
“Well David, if this is true, then I guess we all have a credit card to do whatever the hell we want whenever the hell we want!”
No No No!

Word of God: “So what should we do? Should we sin because we are under grace and not under law? No! Surely you know that when you give yourselves like slaves to obey someone, then you are really slaves of that person. The person you obey is your master. You can follow sin, which brings spiritual death, or you can obey God, which makes you right with him.” (Rom 6:15,16)

So you see, as you begin to understand grace, what it covers and how awesome it is, you will fall more and more in love with the God who made it available. You will want to honor the man named Jesus who took the fall for us all. And you won’t “try to be good” to earn righteousness or be holy. You will just flat out be a better person because as you recognize love, love overcomes you and it becomes your master. Suddenly, all “those things” you think are sin become revealed. They are not sin. And God is not damning you because you do them. They are merely road blocks, and they are only slowing down God’s love from reaching you. They are only bringing a self guilt that makes things so muddy that we feel separated from his love. And his love overwhelms us to show us that “those things” aren’t worth the guilt they bring.

I assure you. When you truly repent. Truly experience metanoia. Literally, put it to action in metamorphisis. Your repentance. Your change of direction. Your change of mind begins to set you free of your religion and your shortcomings. You begin to understand Love and you begin to crave it. Suddenly, the “evil” you do seems less desirable. And even when you succumb to the temptations of your flesh, you don’t let it ruin your day, your week, or your life. You simply keep walking, knowing that Christ has already paid the price and that nothing can separate you from his Love. When you walk in his grace you understand that when you “mess up” the only thing that suffers is your emotions. You are still Christ’s Bride. You are still God’s Child.

I’m just sayin…

This Letter Brought To You By A Falling Bomb

Tuesday October 6, 2009

David L. Herrera

El Llano

Las Vegas, New Mexico

The States








To The Father of Lights:






Good morning or day or whatever it is you got going up there.
I was just inbetween dreams and had a few questions that have been haunting me all night... again.

Um....where to begin?

What's the difference between self righteousness and martyrdom?
I say it's the size of your ass hole.

Am I self-righteous? ----No
Am I a martyr? ---------No
Can I look in the mirror and answer that shit?-------NO!

Problem is, I don't know why.


Seems like the more I try and put my faith in you to use, the bigger ass hole I feel like.

People don't want it. It's too hard and you have to wait to long.
Maybe we all would much rather 'work' for it.

Me + This = My Result

And that's tangible.



And I think about Jesus. Your son. This guy who supposedly died for us. Not just for the sins.... my god the sins. But also for our health. And in there is where the problem lies. I believe like this and she believes like that. She thinks she's right, I know I am right. So what the fuck to do.

And in my evil (G. say Eee-ville) blood flow I chuckle to myself and bite my lip hard to keep from saying. "Wow, sounds like that medicine is doing its job." But truly it is. Medicine does what it's supposed to do always. It makes us forget about the pain temporarily unitl our immune systems do what they were designed to do anyways. It also helps You out, right? I mean, I know it probably takes hours, even days, for you to whip up the magical potion's you made for Jesus in his time to heal the sick and such. And nowadays I bet you gotta make all kinds of potions. Because truly, this isn't real life. Jesus was Care Bears man. Forest of Feelings and the whole lot.

But medicene is a drug. And drugs are drugs. I don't have to tell you what they do. And really all medicene is, is a plot from the government to make more and more money. I learned it in High School. The more medicine we take, the worse our systems become at fixing themselves. And so the next time we take more medicine. Until the day when all day every day all we are taking is medicine's and pills just to live. Ha Ha, to live. And then we die younger. And then the government won't have to take care of us anymore. (That's what I learned anyways) But anymore.... who knows what I should believe...

So what the fuck am I bitching about, right? This is just a fairytale, right?
But you bring me to your word, and I say why? What for? What does your word solve?
You say everything. I say, Just to me. You say, No, to all who believe....

Isaiah 53:210
The servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling, a scrubby plant in a parched field.
There was nothing attractive about him, nothing to cause us to take a second look.
He was looked down on and passed over, a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand.
One look at him and people turned away. We looked down on him, thought he was scum.
But the fact is, it was our pains he carried— our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.
We thought he brought it on himself, that God was punishing him for his own failures.
But it was our sins that did that to him, that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins!
He took the punishment, and that made us whole.
Through his bruises we get healed. We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost.
We've all done our own thing, gone our own way.
And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong, on him, on him.
He was beaten, he was tortured, but he didn't say a word.
Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered and like a sheep being sheared, he took it all in silence.
Justice miscarried, and he was led off—and did anyone really know what was happening?
He died without a thought for his own welfare, beaten bloody for the sins of my people.
They buried him with the wicked, threw him in a grave with a rich man,
Even though he'd never hurt a soul or said one word that wasn't true.
Still, it's what God had in mind all along, to crush him with pain.
The plan was that he give himself as an offering for sin so that he'd see life come from it—life, life, and more life. And God's plan will deeply prosper through him.

Well I think that's just all fine and dandy. But what will it take for us to take you at your word?
I thought you had given us the perfect lesson. Inside, I would follow you to death.
Lead my son to the altar for slaughter if you'd say it was the right thing to do.
I thought we were ready. But we're not.

But Sir.... can I just say, Fuck those who don't believe. Seriously. Why should I be held back because others want to be held back. And here I was barefoot ready to dance on the water.

But your words are just words to them anyways.

But not to me. And I won't be punished for the disbelief of others. And if they want to feel bad. Fuck em. Thats between them and you. It's not any fault of mine.

You took me down here to the river. If they wanna die in the valley of dry bones, let em.

And him? What about him?

Yeah, well, thats why I am really here. him. I wanted better for him. But that dream looks faint. Because it will play out like it did last night. Like I watched it all my life. An arguement over faith. Jesus versus Robitussin.

How stupid and what a waste. No, not the fight.... the sickness. Because I see him slowly accepting an illness that doesn't deserve him. I see him sense the fear. And as the devils here the report spread more and more, they begin to speak remedies. Works. Do this, try this, mix this.

Old Wives Tales and silly witchcraft.

So he sits there and slowly feels it over take him.

And that Lord is what kills me.

But even now, what really scares me?

I know you cannot hear our prayers while we are harboring ill feelings towards others.

Thats why I wrote you this letter.

I hope you get it

Sincerely,

Tuesday Morning

colours.

All the needy still need
and all the losers still lose

It's autumn. Fall. They call it fall because all the leaves fall... I guess. Makes sense. It's the most beautiful season of all... right? When the leaves change color and they become orange and purple and yellow and red.

all the preachers still preach
but they ain't bringin no change

Funny how, really, fall is just a season of death. We drive to the mountains and look at all the dying trees. The leaves are changing colors because they are dying. Like people who suffocate turn blue, people who become ill turn yellow. People who flu up turn red. When leaves die, they change colors.... just like us.

I'm not afraid to die
'cause all these colors will change

When we ride our bikes through the leaves, we are desiring to hear the bones of the leaves crushed and their skin torn apart. We pile their bodies and then we bag em up and burn em. Sometimes not until after we have jumped into them to crush them just one more time.

All the low is still low
and all the high still get high
how I wish we could dance
but all these rhythms don't seem to match up

I do not desire to sound dramatic. It's just amazing to me how we as humans find so much beauty in death. And maybe that is why we are all dying. I have only watched one man die. And that was enough to last a lifetime. Mr. Roybal struggled to enter death, or he struggled to let go of life. He was an example to me...

I'm not afraid to die
'cause all these colors will change

Sometimes we are breathing.... but we are only battling between the pain of living or the mystery of being dead. Which one will suck more? Which one will be more confusing? To me though; well, I just don't see what the big deal is.

Bits and bits of cane, burning burning burning
bit by bit away
they grow as people grow
and glow as people glow

Contained in the flesh or free to roam in eternity, my spirit is alive. My being moves and feels and knows. My being awaits the day of freedom and perfection. And while it is restricted to the confines of my flesh, it does not believe like the flesh believes, nor does it feel what the flesh feels. They do not confir with one another. So I have learned to not confir with the flesh either. And I get along just fine.

I'm not afraid to die
'cause all these colors will change

italics = Portugal. The Man

I'm Going Joywriting

Dusting off the bike after a long cold winter.

You pull it out of the shed, jiggle the arms a little, dust off the seat with your hand.
The seat still feels cold. Hard.
The cushion feels more like a rock then a support.
You push it to the sidewalk. Take a gander at the chain.
You squeeze the brake handles.

You don't grease the gears or adjust the spokes.
You don't read a "How To...." book on bike riding.
You don't stretch your legs or go through hand signals in your mind.

You just hop on and you start pedaling.

Because its your bike.
You know how to ride it.
You have been on many a journey together.
Ups and downs.
Breakdowns and Shake-downs.
You battled terrain, weather, and even the occassional drunk riding excursion.
Nonetheless...

Your bike is a part of you.
It makes you feel youthful and it makes you feel free.
No matter how long you have let it sit there intentionally or unintentionally...
You know what you're doing as soon as you hop on.
All those feelings and all those actions come back to you immediately.

Let's Ride....

And here I am with my braces...

Crooked Teeth

It was one hundred degrees
As we sat beneath a willow tree
Whose tears didn't care
They just hung in the air
And refused to fall, to fall
And I knew I'd made a horrible call

And now the state line felt
Like the Berlin wall
And there was no doubt
About which side I was on'

Cause I built you a home in my heart
With rotten wood, it decayed from the start'

Cause you can't find nothing at all
If there was nothing there all along
No you can't find nothing at all
If there was nothing there all along

I braved treacherous streets
And kids strung out
On homemade speed
And we shared a bed
In which I could not sleep at all'

Cause at night the sun in retreat
Made the skyline look
Like crooked teeth
In the mouth of a man
Who was devouring, us both

You're so cute when you're slurring your speech
But they're closing the bar and they want us to leave

And you can't find nothing at all
If there was nothing there all along
No you can't find nothing at all
If there was nothing there all along

I'm a war of head versus heart
And it's always this way
My head is weak, my heart always speaks
Before I know what it will say

And you can't find nothing at all
If there was nothing there all along
No you can't find nothing at all
If there was nothing there all along

When All is Said and Done

i fight this with two closed fists

under a purple sky

naked trees are clawing for the air

this won't pull on emotions

but it's something to do

go ahead, try it

if you dislike, refunds at the door

i always fell for the sucker punch

i confess the changes

maybe i'm growing up

from the shoes on my feet

to the stench in my mouth

i'll remain transparent

and while you speak in codes,

i'll speak in spirit

i tasted, I did that, now i'm hooked.

Takin' it Back

So.... I have been feeling like writing since Friday night, but time.... Oh Time!

So, off of 12 shots worth of Rum... here are thoughts... (dear God, i asked Trudy for a half hour. Must write quickly.....)

I found this piece of paper on Saturday afternoon in an old chest I have. I was scouraging through old letters and such and found this. Just a thought. I was 18 when I wrote it.

WORD FOR WORD:

Birds should have a natural instinct to fly south for the winter.
But in this town, I see the same damn birds every year waiting around.
They have to know it's getting colder, right?
Maybe they think they have more time?
Maybe they're too lazy.
Maybe they're waiting for their friends
Maybe they've been "hangin around" so long they don't even consider leaving anymore.
They just try and make it through another cold winter...
and they hope not to die.
I guess it wouldn't bug me so much if there wasn't so many of them.
But I have to watch them as they scrounge for food and crap all over the place.
It gets annoying.
I can't stop any of this.
It's not like i can talk to them.
But it would just be nice if they'd leave this cold ass town at least once.
I bet they'd like it.
(And I bet you thought I was talking about birds)


I read this and it opened my eyes. I am the bird. I was the bird. I still am that god damned bird. Waiting aroud. Waiting for people to see it like me. Waiting for people to change. Waiting for the circumstance to turn out better. But you know what? That will never happen. People won't ever think like me. People will never feel like I do. When I say, "Hey... I am in love with you." Though they may say, "I am on the same page!" Really, they are giving me a dose. A kind word. A response that will get me through the moment. Hoping to God that I will be pleased and move on. But i don't move on. I am the bird. I am sitting in the park. Freezing on the lake. Trampling around in the shit of my peers waiting for things to be better.

Ah... the only difference between medicene and poison is in the dose.

It was... it has always been poison. David Bazan wrote a song. "I Am Always The One Who Calls" Fuck me mate! Oi! So true! God bless the bugger; she tells me to call. "Have you called your mom?" she says. But when i call, it is this conversation of awkwardness. "Oh... do you want to talk to your dad?" No, I called to speak with you!!!!

But thats how it has been with my friends and family. All the time I was led to believe that absense made the heart grow fonder. Nay. Between fonder and farther, She has chosen farther.

Like a STOP sign that i didn't know existed.... "Lets face reality. Lets get real."

When She stops me like that... well, I just know. It's one of those "Lets get real moments." Its like the song says, "Nothing last forever!"

FUCK! Bly-miegh!

I thought this was real. You are waiting for the end? FUCK! You are seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. A light where your world shines without me in the picture.

Its cool though. This is why I moved.

"and if i kept this feeling safe...trembling eye lens...holding me there...we laugh in the face of love...cause nobodys really there...nobody's real...this tired--- i would try it either way, we believe in something invisible...this sense of smell that you use all your life---well now you know you found the right...it's all there...so find me a place to begin"

I KNEW that it would come to this. I am just surprised that i am surprised.

"Well don't call me by my full name, all this is temporary. It feels much better to know that you own't feel a thing. Don't talk about it, Write it down But don't ask for help. I can't be honest with even myself. Did you ever wish you were somebody else? Move one inch at a time and you'll be just fine... Move one inch at a time and you'll find They pulled me in, but Accomplishments are transient."

Oh....I tried to say, "This couldn't feel more wrong. I can't believe its happening or lasting this long." If we know each other then why should it be so hard to make it stop?

What I tried to say?--- "This isn't real, and I feel ashamed that I dont think that I can heal. It's a shame that I would pretend before making amends." But.... nothing you've ever planned on ever turned out the way you planned. You're still disappointing them.

And you dissappointed me.

But its cool. We're cool right? We're always cool. It's just that I was sitting on the cold ass fucking lake singing, "I’ll be waiting-I hope that it’s worth it but I’ll never know".

Silly fucking bird.

So.... remember what I wrote you! Like a poem...

So the wind that blows across your room carried cheap perfume onto your dresser. It rained for jewelry and for credit cards, two tickets to a film I don’t remember. One day you’ll kiss your rabbit’s nose, pick up the phone to find I've been turned over. And you’ll grab that piece of gold only to find that the smell has taken over. Now all the things you had, they aren’t the same... as what you hold. And I'm standing in my row, it’s filled with older folks, pleading "Davey please listen" And I scream as loud as anyone, but when asked to make a point I tend to whisper Now highways turn to tidal waves, they’re asking me to export all of your insecurities. But that wind that blows across your room its gonna set the sails, and send me back to you. But... sometimes, when sailors are sailing they think twice about where they’re anchoring. I think, I could make better use of my time on land. Ill drink less cos lord knows I could use a warm kiss instead of a cold goodbye. I’m writing the folks back home to tell them "Hey I’m doing alright!" It’s a shame what your father did to your brother’s head when he smashed it with a telephone. And your mother got scared and locked the door --- you were only four, but lord you remember it --- So now you’re scared of love? I’m here to tell you love ain't just some blood on the receiver! Love is speaking in code. It’s an inside joke. Love is coming home. Sometimes, when sailors are sailing they think twice about where they’re anchoring. I think, I could make better use of my time on land ill drink less cause lord knows I could use a warm kiss instead of a cold goodbye. I’m writing the folks back home to tell them "Hey I’m doing alright" yeah I’m doing just fine and if she seems as lonely as me..... let her sink. Yeah I'm doing alright. Yeah I'm doing just fine. And if she seems as lonely as me... let her sink. Let her sink. LET HER!

Fuck birds.

I am a fuckin bird. I am too nice to not be one.

I am a bird.

Further Seems Forever

So I had the term, "How To Start A Fire" stuck in my head. It's been there a while.

Then my friend M.Spear texted me from SXSW in Austin last week.

"Just passed the Gallows stage. Thought of you."

Probably should have made me want to hear the Gallows.

But for reasons that only he and 2 others would understand.

It made me want to listen to FURTHER SEEMS FOREVER's "How To Start A Fire" album.

So I have been listening to it a lot lately. If you do not own this album, go buy it, download it, steal it, whatever...

Jason Gleason was a singer I aspired to be, especially after seeing the band live. It's sad that he only stuck out the one album with the band. For those who are unfamiliar with the band. Or to the old bastards. (G. and J.) Ex-Members of Strongarm reassemble and form an EMO band. I mean, what 90's Hardcore band didn't do that. But these guys did it well.... did it right! Anyways their first album was eh... cos their singer was Chris Carraba. And I like him... I think i own a Dashboard Confessional album.... but it was whiny, not emotional. Then, he left and in steps Jason Gleason, who I feel has one of the most amazing vocal ranges.

Anyways, I was on the treadmill Friday morning since the town was on a 2 hour delay and I was listening to the album. Here are some thoughts I had while listening to the album.

Track 1: "let's set this city ablaze.... we could start a fire (we could start a fire) and all shine in its light shine so bright we burn in eyes and heal the stories ending."

We are all talk and no walk. We all talk about revolution. Living better. Living different. Living above the fray. But we are still too drunk to get up off the floor. We are like all my neighbors. Manana, manana!

Track 2: "The sound now turns to silence But I keep spinning around Naked in the rain of my own tears As they fall into the bucket of your apologies."

Sometimes its easier to face life if we try to drown out or silence the volume of reality. But despite what we want to believe is true. We are subject to reality. And it screams everyday. The trick is to live louder than the noise of life.

Track 3: "Awake in this cold cell... I am my only devil Why can't I be you and put those hands away. I go through this everyday..."

I heard this so many times, but until G. said it, it did not become a realization. I, Me, THIS. Lucifer is a fading shadow. The devil I fear is my own evil.

Track 4: "Everybody's waiting for that something they can hold onto while tripping over our own words to self-dug graves for an excuse to fall Because every failure's just as sweet as the last."

At some point I will have to just realize that Jesus died not so that I would be perfect, but because I will never be perfect.

Track 5: "I am the water, I am waves crashing onto you I am the blank wave, I am the madness, the loss, the dark, the hunt, the cage, the race..."

To me this is a song that is sung by the ONE. I just love it that he is the madness..... and he is redemption..... and desire for obligation. Ha!

Track 6: "Of beautiful and sacred things and your immaculate disguise I'm trading it in. I'm trading it in for my pride war emblem."

Nuff said. Oi?

Track 7: "Summer is gone, and winter is never too far now And my poor arms (my arms are aching) outstretched so long that my bones are now breaking. But there you come with a smile that'd send any man to his knees..."

It's that she that we all have. Or that we long to have. If SHE reads this... then she knows. She knows. If only I would have known so many years ago.....

Track 8: "A moment in separation the foreground don't seem so bright. These angels in my head are in between the shadow and the light."

Incinserity as an artform.. You can't elaborate on that.

Track 9: "I might not wake up next to you excuses, excuses, excuses, excuses make excuses for eating your young let's lick the wounds and find out where we came from when copperas has faded I hope you'll still be by my side this is not dystrophy but desire , desire for comfort in the dark call me a mockingbird and it's done."

By far my favorite track of the whole album..... and I can't write why for fear of the sound.

Track 10: "cut out my eyes to spite my heart. wish for sleep, but never stopping. assignments pile up."

Someday.... someday the sleep will return and I will rest. Rest awaits us all, but we remain restless. Maybe because we choose to.

If you read this.... thank you for indulging me. Now go listen to the album and be inspired.

Everyone's Got A Drug

My hands hurt.
I have wounds from splinters, loose nails and randomness.
My palms are sore from tearing apart old doors, frames and shelves.
Shelves.

The new crib I have had the joy of refurbishing and remodeling has been an absolute blessing. I don't doubt that God brought me exactly where I need to be. Still....
Shelves.

The guy who owned this pad (God Rest His Soul) loved shelves. He had them hanging everywhere. I should have taken pictures of all the shelves, but damn.... I am too busy taking em down.

He had a shelf. Added another, then another, and another and so on.
At some point he figured out that it costs money to buy the Home Depot shelves. So he started building his own shelves. The first one wasn't great, but it worked. He could set stuff on it. WOW! Then he built another. By the fifth shelf he had mastered the art. He began building shelves anywhere and everwhere he could. He started building makeshift sheds in order to build more and more shelves. SHELVES!!!!!

Everyone's got a drug.......

Mine? MUSIC.
I need it. At all times. If there is none near, damn it I will sing. When I get into my vehicle I have to make sure that the music is adjusted just right and that the music fits the tone of the trip before I leave. I will be late to events when I have a child because by the time i get her settled and then adjust the music..... yikes.

But I don't care. i love music. It gets me through the day. It motivates me, heals me, makes me laugh, makes me sing, relaxes me, stimulates me, helps me get the job done, helps me unwind, makes sex more enjoyable, gets my feet moving, etc.......

So like always, Friday night came and I needed to unwind from the work week. Great week, shitty Friday. The Bug-Nug and I stopped by La Fiesta to grab a bite. Sitting there waiting for my food I hear the faint echoes of a guitar intro that sounds so familiar...... I leave the table in search for where it is coming from. Walking around the restaurant like an idiot. Sure enough, the restaurant is playing the radio, and by some incredible genius, that radio is blasting out "Calling On You" by Stryper. I immediately know that I have to call my brother and tell him. Dude loves Stryper and got me to fall in love. They are my only Hair Metal vice.

After dinner, we went in search of "The Nasty Casty" as my pal Ray calls it. It's a bar on the edge of town called "Castandetta's", but at the time i thought it was "Castanuela's", and to the readers of this blog..... if I texted you "CASTANUELA'S!" My apologies.

Just a scrub bar in an old hotel that reminded me of The Cervantes in Denver except with more character. It was open mic night. We sat there listening to a guy playing guitar and keeping rhythm for himself with his feet on drums. It was entertaining enough, enough to keep us there for a while anyways.

But then the next group got set up. Just 3 old dudes that like to jam out and one young guy who looked like he just got outta work. They started up and I immediately knew I was going to be sitting here for a while. Old guy sitting on the drum stool surrounded by way too many drums for what he needed to play, Older guy singing real rough like he was Johnny Lee Hooker playing the guitar with a slider (oh baby), and Oldest guy standing on the side of the stage, looking so drunk that he was about to tip over, playing a harmonica like nobody's business. Then there was Young Guns, as I like to call him, standing in the back, setting rhythm on the bass. Looking relieved. Like, 'I had a long week.... but fuck it, I am here now. That is all that matters.'

Let me explain Young Guns. He looked about 24/25. Probably works at a mechanics shop here in town. Not real good looking in the face, but there's something about him that makes you wanna meet him. Probably the nicest guy you'll ever meet. No dad. This kid doesn't have a father. But his Mom's brother was his father figure. Not much of one, but enough that he use to let Young Guns hang out with him in his garage while he souped up his 84 Camaro. Uncle would teach him the mechanics of an engine and what makes a car fly. They would listen to Jimi Hendrix and Santana. Young Guns would watch Uncle smoke, what he thought were cigarettes, with his buddies and just talk about how Hendrix was a legend and how it was a shame he was dead. Uncles best friend Sam could play guitar. Sam played really good. Young Guns fell in love. Uncle took note. At 13, Young Guns got a gift from his Uncle. El Guitarra! Nothing special, just a generic fender with a small amp. But Young Guns thought it was the world. At some point Uncle fades away. Not jail. Maybe just met the wrong woman and ends up being in a controlled situation. Sam.... Sam is a pot head by now, even experiments with a little coke here and there. But it's cool, Young Guns is stable enough by now. Mom is a good mom. Raises him to be a good young man. So Young Guns grows up listening to Hendrix, Santana, Hooker, various hair metal groups, Metallica, etc.

Young Guns becomes a genius on the guitar without knowing it. And because he lives in such a small town in the middle of nowhere. He never realizes it. Ends up working week in, week out, at the local Auto Repair shop. His only release is the strength of the neck of his guitar in his left palm. And somehow, througha friend of a friend, he gets invited to play bass guitar for a band of foggies who like to jam out and play blues. He jumps at it. And so every week. On Friday night. He plays with the house band at The Nasty Casty. And he longs for that one moment....

We sat there and watched Young Guns. Hands still full of oil. Work shirt stained. Hair frazzled, trying to be contained by his hat. He set down the bass guitar and humbly switched intruments with Older Guy. He fiddled with the guitar a little. Adjusting the volume. Loosening his sore hands up to the instrument. And they started the 2nd half of the set.

I cannot explain to you what happened. But the next 30 minutes was like a dream. We watched Young Guns make love to the guitar. The rhythm section did there job and set 3 Chord tones for the evening so that Young Guns could make the guitar melt. His eyes closed, we watched him tell a story through that guitar. Solo after solo, he made that guitar scream his story. Father where are you, Uncle I miss you..... Momma, I love you.

At some point I closed my eyes and tryed to not be overwhelmed by how good he was. I thought about my week. I thought about my day. It didn't matter anymore. It was over. I remembered that tomorrow has its own set of worries. I could feel his soul (only if this is your drug can you understand) and I swear to God, if I hadn't submitted to my pride, I would have cried. It was there....

And I think now of The Beatles singing, "... while my guitar gently weeps."

Yeah that's real.

Everyone's Got A Drug.

When They Really Get to Know You, They Will Run

"Then we can pretend it's natural...."

::immediately on a side note:: I just found out that one of my favorite artists David Bazan is doing a House Show Tour. Yea.... playing houses. Not gonna be near me though. He'll be in Boulder and FoCo in April. Sad face.... Anyways.

I was thinking a lot about love on my drive back from Greeley yesterday. It seems like every song that came up on my LDN mix on my I-Pod was a love song of some sort. Even the song "Love Rhymes with Hideous Car Wreck" by the Blood Brothers came on..... I don't even know how that song made it in that mix.

Love is a pretty amazing thing. But it can also torment you. Think of Jesus. There he is, sitting on the hill that overlooks Jerusalem, heartbreaking, "Oh my poor Jerusalem.... you had the son of God among you and you rejected him." That love drove him to die for humanity. But than I think of the love that God has for me. A good love. A love for all of us. One that said, I don't want these people to suffer anymore. I love them so much, i will give up my son for them. Whoa!

So much went through my head on my drive. It was a beautiful drive. Once I hit New Mexico, the skies did what they always do and they created the best clouds ever. i love the clouds in this state. They are the best. Since the first time I crossed the state line, I have always loved the clouds here.

I stopped thinking about falling into Love and started thinking about how to identify TRUE Love. I started thinking about my daughter. She's on her way.... she's making her debut soon. I have never met her. I talk to her all the time and I try to hug her. I am making her a playlist to listen to while she waits to come out. I would die for her, I would kill for her. And I have never met her. It's madness.

I think about my sister in laws boyfriend. Sometimes I wonder if he loves his son.... my nephew. I mean, we all love to a degree I am sure, but i wonder if he LOVES that kid. He wasn't even in the delivery room when the kid was born. The kid once pee'd his pants right in front of him and he started lauging at the kid. WTF? He's young... I get it, but still. Something has got to make you snap, right?

My wife told me that she thinks i inspired the dude to start fixing up his house. He saw me getting handy on my new pad and apparently suddenly started fixing ish at his place. That's funny. I started thinking.... well, i bet i can get this kid to be a better dad. He'll see the way I love on my daughter and he'll wanna step up his game. He's a jock, he's a chad, he's a frat boy. He likes the competition. "Anything you can do i can do better..." you know - that shit.

And mark my words. It WILL happen. I know it. i have watched him do it with me anywhere we go. He watches me and then he desires to beat me at it. The better fisher, snowboarder, fire starter, rubix cube finisher..... whatever. And so that's cool. Maybe him stepping up his game will make my sister in law like him more. But....

The problem still exists. Doing something out of love is a lot different than doing it out of competition. What happens when he becomes a better father than me (Ha.... have to laugh on that one), but still.... So he conquers the good dad/good husband thing. I know what will happen. He'll stop. Okay, i beat you.... next!

He needs to learn.... Ha, I heard that song on my playlist yesterday too --- "THE HARDEST THING YOU'LL EVER LEARN IS JUST TO LOVE AND BE LOVED IN RETURN!!"

You can't love others until you love yourself. You can't give what you don't have. And sometimes love of self is hard. Especially when you know who you are. So for my sister in laws boy.... I mean, he's talked to me about it. He hates life sometimes and he hates where he is at. He is unhappy with the truck he has and unhappy in the trailer he lives in. That's rough stuff.

Maybe I can love him. I'll love him so much he will try and love himself more than I do. By the time he figures it out he will be a new person.

I thought a lot about love yesterday on my drive home.

The scariest thing to me was realizing this:

She knows me. She knows who I am. I have never been able to hide anything from her. I spill it out without thinking. So i assume that at the first chance of seperation.... she'll run. I was expecting it. I was waiting for it. But she didn't run. We sit and we talk and it's like nothing ever stopped. And even though i think TIME WILL TELL.... I think maybe it will die out. I am scared and excited all at once at the thought that it will only increase. That's a lot to try and swallow.

But I am learning not to think all that ish through to much. Just let it be what it is today and go to sleep saying, "Today, it is what it is. And I am happy for it."

It's best though when these things are confirmed by God.

As my drive was wrapping to an end. I saw his hand in the sky. Almost as if to say, "Lee, it's gonna be okay!"

Or he was giving New Mexico bunny ears. Either way, he made me smile yesterday and that's why I love him.

Life Without The Apple

I love apples. The are usually my favorite fruit, save the few times the orange comes in to reign for sporadic times in the year.

It is disturbing to me that in pictures and in plays regarding the forbidden fruit of the Garden of Eden: The fruit of the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, they always use an apple. I even think I have heard sermons where the priest or pastor has actually referred to Eve taking a bite of the apple.

That said....

I have been wondering about this "Knowledge of Good and Evil"

J. will tell you that the events that took place in Garden of Eden, and quite possibly the garden itself, is more likely a folktale passed down by Jewish fathers to their children to better explain how man screwed up. (I am not sure on his theory completely because it was merely something I heard him speak briefly between pizza and homemade beer at church one saturday afternoon).

Nonetheless, whatever your thoughts are regarding the Garden. One truth remains.

At some point in time.
In some significant way.
Humans, created by God...
discovered that they had an evil inside of them.

And for lack of a better way to say it, I believe God has an evil side to him. Or at least I know that he holds evil inside. He has to, otherwise how did we get it? We were made in his image.... in his likeness.

Don't get me wrong, I believe that nothing but good comes from God. God does not hate anyone, I don't care what Slayer says. (Oh shit.... Tom Araya is at my front door! --- Sorry a little Slayer humor) Still, God has evil. He has everything. But he is God, so he knows how to control the evil.

Now, I have established in past blogs my evolving process of understanding about how finite the devil is. The devil as in Lucifer. Even more so, devils and demons and such. Listen, I believe they have the power to possess and torment, I do. In my younger years when my beliefs and my tongue gave power to them I watched them possess friends of mine. I ran youth groups where at times we had to cast out demons. I have been physically overpowered by girls half my size who were possessed, i have sat on a persons body with 10 other people to try and hold them down as the demons squirmed in his flesh.... I could go on; however, I am not trying to boast that. If I knew then what I know now, those things -- those situations would never have escalated like that. I digress...

The knowledge of good and evil --- the knowledge of evil is not to be confused with Satan, devils or demons. I have evil inside of me. I know about it. I know what's right and what's wrong. Not because someone wrote me a book about whats right and wrong, but because as I grew up in my body I grew up in my mind and I began to see the world around me. And as I grew in body I grew in my knowledge of what was good and what was evil.

The devil did not come to me as he came to those in the garden or even as he came to Jesus when he tempted him for 40 days. Lucifer would not waste his time, because he knows that humans do not need his help discovering what evil is.

Mira:
Romans 1:28-32
28 Since they thought it foolish to acknowledge God, he abandoned them to their foolish thinking and let them do things that should never be done. 29 Their lives became full of every kind of wickedness, sin, greed, hate, envy, murder, quarreling, deception, malicious behavior, and gossip. 30 They are backstabbers, haters of God, insolent, proud, and boastful. They invent new ways of sinning, and they disobey their parents. 31 They refuse to understand, break their promises, are heartless, and have no mercy. 32 They know God’s justice requires that those who do these things deserve to die, yet they do them anyway. Worse yet, they encourage others to do them, too.

Notice the line I highlighted. Who is inventing the sin? Not demons. Read the full context. Humans. Men and Women alike. ME. WE. We invent our sins.
You know that saying, "It's only a law because some ass hole did it."
Well...
People think God came down and gave the Ten Commandments and set a standard for Adam and Eve. The Ten Commandments were given somewhere between 1300 and 1700 BC depending on who you talk to. Without going into too much detail.... basically, man was messing up well before those laws were dropped. If you read further in the specific laws decreed unto man in The Pentateuch (first 5 books of the bible) you read plainly that Man has been perverting the ways of life for a long time. I mean, if you gotta tell people not to stick their thang thangs in mens butts or livestock.... I mean... WTF Chuck? But read it. It's there. Can you imagine God.... I mean its funny really. Think about a father watching their child. The kid doesn't know that the dad is watching him. So he opens the gum wrapper and starts chewing the gum. Dad thinks, 'He knows he shouldn't be eating gum, where did he get that gum?' Then the dad watches the son pull the gum out and play with it... the gum ends up in his hair, the boy starts crying, dad intervenes. I can see God in the same situation, only he's looking down at a sheep herder out alone in the pasture one night watching the sheep. Then watches as the sheep herder attempts to rob a lamb of its virginity. God had to have been like, "Wait... what the... HEY!!! What the heck are you doing!?!?!? NO NO NO!!!!!" So God had to come down and give rules about it. Man should not be with man, man should not be with livestock, man should not be with hand, etc.

The knowledge of evil.

I have, for sometime now, been trying to control my evil. I used to blame it on the devil. The devil made me do it, the devil tempted me.... blah blah blah. But the Devil has no power over me. I gave my heart to Christ. He holds it and I am now a child of God, nothing can change that. The word of God says that demons tremble at the name of Jesus. So what am I afraid of. What sickness, what debt, what trouble can hold me down?

Yet, while I say I gave my heart to Christ... what I mean is I have committed my spirit to Christ. My flesh belongs to the world. Not because it has too, but because in the sense of what "HEART" means. I give my heart to this world and the things that please my evil everyday. And I know this.

It is an amazing thing this knowledge of Good and Evil.

I do good all day long. Ask my wife. Ask my friends.
I know I try and do good to them and for them.
I have a knowledge of what is good and what being good to them means.
And they have learned to love me for the good I do.

But I also have this evil inside of me.
It makes me think evil things.
Or I let it allow me to think evil things.
And I plot evil sometimes.
And I do evil things sometimes.

But I understand this today.
Because I am HIS. Because I belong to the ONE.
Abba Father, Jehovah Jireh, YHWH, the Alpha and the Omega.
I am not BAD.
I am not evil.

My buddy always has to tell me, "We're good" when I mess up.
And that's what I am with God.
Good. Not because I do good things, but because God is good and he does good things and he DID a good thing.
This is love. To screw up with someone repeatedly and they can look at you and say, "We're good. Not because I don't think you'll ever screw up again or because I don't think you'll ever drop the ball again, but because I love you and you are mine!"

This knowledge of good and evil.
THE APPLE.

It's an interesting thing to understand.
The devil DID make me do it.
Yes, I can say this.
But only when I am looking in the mirror.

-tryingtofindabalance

find this song and download it.
"Letter From God": Dan Le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip
Hey There, how, how’s it going?
Long time no see.
I know I haven’t been around much lately
But…it didn’t seem like you wanted me to be
The last time I sent down a message you nailed it to the cross
So I figured I’d just leave you to it, let you be your own boss
But I’ve been keeping an eye on you, I have, and it’s amazing how you’ve grown.
With your technological advances and the problems you’ve overthrown,
And all the beautiful art you’ve created with such grace and such finesse,
But I admit there are a few things I’m afraid have impressed me less.
So I’m writing to apologize for all the horrors committed in my name,
Although that was never what I intended, I feel I should take my share of the blame.
All the good I tried to do was corrupted when organised religion got into full swing,
What I thought were quite clear messages were taken to unusual extremes.
My teachings taken out of context to meet the agendas of others,
Interpretations taken to many different ways and hidden meanings discovered
Religion became a tool, for the weak to control the strong
With all these new morals and ethics, survival of the fittest was gone
No longer could the biggest man simply take whatever he needed
‘cause damnation was the price if certain rules were not heeded
Some of the deeds committed in my name just made me wonder were I went wrong.
Back at the start when I created this, the foundation seemed so strong.
See all the elements were already here, long before I began, I just kind of put it all together
I didn’t really think out a long-term plan.
I made the sun an appropriate distance and laid the stars across the sky
So you could navigate the globe or simply watch the sun rise
I covered the earth with plants and fruits,
Some for sustenance and some for beauty
I made the sun shine and the clouds rain so their maintenance wasn’t your duty
I tried to give each creature its own attributes without making them enveloped
I gave you all your own space to grow and in your own way space to develop
I didn’t know such development would cause rifts and jealousy
Cause you go to war against each other and leave marks on this planet indelibly
You see, I wasn’t really the creator, I was just the curator of nature
I want to get something straight with homosexuals right now: I don’t hate ya
I was a simple being that happened to be the first to wield such powers
I just laid the ground, it was You that built the towers
It was You that invented bombs, and the fear that comes with them
And it was You that invented money, and the corrupt economic systems
You invented terms like just-war and terms like friendly fire
And it was You that didn’t know when to stop digging deeper, when to stop building higher
It was You that exhausted the resources I carefully laid out on this earth,
And it was You that even saw these problems coming but accredited them little worth
It was You that used my teachings for your own personal gain
And it was You that committed such tragedies, even though they were in my name
So I apologize for any mistakes I made, and when my words misconstrued
But this apology’s to mother nature, cause I created you