I Am A Self-Righteous Prick

If you ever read these blogs. Somewhere along the lines you have to have picked up that I am a firm believer in the work Christ did at the cross for my health. I choose not to submit my flesh to sickness because Christ came and died so I would not have to be sick, diseased and ill.

But do not be mistaken. There are days that I feel a sore throat coming on. Or I sense a headache trying to pain my brain. I have even been struck with flu symptoms. But every time I say, "Screw you devil. I'm healed. This is just a lying symptom and I do not accept it." Literally within moments the symptoms begin to wear off and my health is restored.

Yesterday though. Yesterday was different.

Now, before I dive into this, please understand that I do NOT believe that the Lord inflicts pain on those whom he loves. I don't think he inflicts pain on those whom he hates either. God doesn't make us sick. According to the new covenant, all those old curses and such have been banished.

That said...

Yesterday morning I wake up with a sore throat. Nothing out of the ordinary, but I did feel the strain on my neck and vocals throughout the day. As soon as I got to work that morning I see an email from a friend who had read my previous blog. He was captured by my argument of being "right". A response he gave really tugged my heart strings.

He wrote: "I have been accused (accurately) many times of having to be right. I have learned that it is usually something in me that needs adjustment rather than what I hear from others. While it is important to be correct in what you know or believe to be true, many things are not as obvious to others as they are to us. I heard a pastor say once that 'Your point is usually not worth making.'"

So I took it to memory and told myself, "Yeah, good point. I really need to not try and be right all the time.If people don't think like I do, no reason in fighting the point." And I really am trying my hardest to accept that rule and live by it.

But God was looking to stress this point to me in a very intense way.

Throughout the day I could feel my sore throat crawl into the back of my brain all the way to the front of head and down to my nose. My body began to ache and I was feeling hot, then cold, the hot, then cold, etc. I was starting to get frustrated because I know God has taken care of worse. So I was baffled at why I was getting more and more sick instead of better.

By the time I got home I was feeling sick all over my body. It's the loss of equilibrium and the feeling that your brain is floating in a pool of water in your skull. Every time you turn your head, your brain just slides back and forth.

As the evening turned to night time it just became a downhill wreck. I was trying my hardest to deny the symptoms. But the more I denied them, the more they intensified. I became disappointed in myself. In my faith. I had already done the unspeakable (in my book) and drank some Airborne. To me that is medicine. And I do NOT take medicine!!

It didn't help that I caught feelings with my wife late in the evening about something completely unrelated to this situation. It was one of those things that keeps happening that you bottle in and bottle in, and then when you are overwhelmed by other things, the bottle bursts and it just all spills. Not what I needed for the day.

I was so mad in fact that I had pre-determined to sleep on the couch for the night. You know, make a statement. The night got late and my wife made her way to bed. I was exhausted, but restless. The aches began to intensify.I laid on the couch trying to ease my ailments with laughter. But there was nothing on the TV that could satisfy.

Suddenly I felt the most excruciating pain move into my lower back. I can't explain it. But it was a pain that I couldn't get away from. I adjusted my body every which way I could and I couldn't escape it. There was no ease to the pain. I was so, tired, but I couldn't sleep. The throat, the head, the back, my whole body; agonized by these unstoppable pains.

I got up to take communion, but was suddenly overcome with an urge to run to the restroom. You know what I'm talking about. The green apple splatters. I sat there on the toilet and just began to cry. I could not figure out what was going on with my body. "Christ'" I exclaimed, "what is going on here? I know you have healed me from this junk. Why is my flesh suddenly submitting to all of this? My spirit knows better!" God's response shocked me.

He said, "David, I have asked your spirit to step aside for the moment to show you something. The pain in your throat is the same pain your sister in law is feeling tonight. The restlessness you feel is what your nephew feels every night. Fear to enter dreams and uncomfortable in his own skin. The pain in your back and the aches spread through your body are what your mother in law feels so many times without warning. How do you feel?"
"Lord," I said, " I don't want any of this. Please let me feel better."
He asked again, "David, how do you feel?"
I said, " I feel like shit! This sucks!"
He said, "Next time you feel like holding your faith over someone for not believing like you do, I want you to remember how they feel. I want you to understand how hard it is to believe in Me as the healer when the pain is so very real. I want you to sympathize with their disbelief in me as the provider when they are completely broke and have bill collectors calling every night. I want you to remember how it feels to have someone telling you that Jesus loves you when you hate the sight of who is in the mirror. David, I want you to show the same degree of compassion to others as I have shown you. Have you really forgotten were you came from? Who you were? Remember that you were once the sickly one, the spendthrift and the self condemned. I don't need your help changing anyone else, I just need you to share the same compassion, mercy and grace with everyone that you come across as I have shown you. Please love everyone as you love yourself."

I kid you not, as soon as He was done speaking, an amazing amount of "waste" exited my body. I know this sounds gross, but it was very symbolic. It's like all this shit I have had stuck in me was just released. I began to think of people who I have been cruel with lately and just began to repent. It's the worst thing in the world to have your father sit you down and call you out. But at the same time it feels so good to have him wrap his arms around you and just say, "Hey, it's cool." Suddenly the pain in my back was gone. My throat had eased up and I didn't feel a quarter as bad as I did. It happened so fast. I suddenly understood what He meant when He said, "I asked your spirit to step aside..." He didn't make me sick, but he used the opportunity to remind me what faith in the flesh feels like. He used the opportunity to remind me where I am. Truth is, when I laid down in my bed, I still felt the symptoms. But I knew they were fading away. I knew that the weakness in my flesh was decreasing away and that his strength in my spirit was increasing. Throughout the night I could feel my body repairing itself.

Today. Right now. I am not as compassionate as I should be. It's gonna take some time. My rule of life has some how become, "If you ain't on my level, that's your problem." I am realizing today that it truly is a hard lesson to learn to love others. To accept them just as they are. But I serve a God who is compassionate with me even when I show none. A God who is merciful, even when I show none. A God who is forgiving even when I refuse to forgive others. It sucks, somewhere along my way I became self-righteous.

The 16 year old me would be so disappointed!