Truly, Fully...

This morning I woke up and I could feel it in my spine.

Hatred.

I hate feeling hatred.

It makes me sleep hard with no rest.

The more I feel it, the more I hate it and the feeling only increases.

The worst part is that my blame for the source was lying in bed next to me.

It's easy to say things like, "I'm done".

Throw a bitch fit and go post it on Myspace as a mood.

It feels good to make subtle references on Facebook and gnarl about the situation.

But it fixes nothing. And I truly am lost for the solution this round.

I didn't post "I'm done", I actually posted "Betrayed". Cos that's actually how I feel. I am NOT done. Hell, I am just getting started. But a betrayal like this, at a time like this, only makes me wanna run to the theology; "My, Myself and I." That truly is a pirates way, right?
I made it until 9pm at least. But it crept on me. Why do I feel in the wrong? How am I to blame for this?

I have been more open than ever.

I have been upfront more than I am comfortable with.

I have tried to hide nothing.

I have told you everything.

I have given you access to everything.
If not, how did we get here?

Yes.... yes.....I am starting to see the monster I have created.

This is still my fault.

I will not take fault for the events that unfolded. That was you're own fucked up mind.

But what if I am the one who created that fucked up mind?

Did I?

No..... by your own admission, no.

You've been doing this to your family long before I met you.

You just married the king is all.

So in my heart I say, when does it end? Where is the good day? I don't see it ever happening. I told you long ago, "If you go digging for something.... you will always find something."

Even if it means convincing yourself that the Pyrite really is a 14k nugget.

I still don't know what triggers these investigations, but it makes me understand a Man's Man mentality.

"The bitch ain't ever gonna trust me, so might as well...."

Ya, might as well.... Don't think so.

The worst part though, is what is always the worst part.

There will be no apology.

No, "I'm sorry I don't love you enough to trust you at all anymore."

No, "I'm sorry for when I let this thing inside of me get the best of me."
Nah, we'll blame it on the holy spirit (who was begging you to stop in the first place) and call it good.

Yes, yes.... I am learning what it takes to be a real man. I call the Man's Man a bitch.

Truth be told, the man I am is a bitch. Cos that's the man the bible says to be.

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her...." Ephesians 5:25

Truly, Christ is the man I want to be. The world's view of the bitch.

Can't do nothing right. Always a let down. Can't do enough to earn trust and can't sacrifice enough to earn love. No matter what he does, we can never let go of the times he has let us down. (Dave, Jesus will never let us down! ~ Fuck you if I haven't shaken my fist at the sky more than a few times!) Yet he is willing to continue being the bad guy. Willing to keep serving as much as he can to prove his love for us. Even if the reality is that we will never truly, fully love him. We will never truly, fully trust him.

It's hard to be that man. And today, I don't wanna do it anymore.

But I have to think of the times I have shaken my fist at the sky.

Let my distrust overcome me and yelled at God.

"What are you doing?

Why did you do that?

What are your intentions?

Are you trying to hurt me?"

I will never truly, fully be God's kinda man. But today I need to dust off my pride, shake my shoes and keep walking. There are better things ahead.

If you wanna join me, let's go. I know you didn't ask for it, but I forgive you. I do. Cos you did hurt me, but I can't change that now and everything happens for a reason.

And if you don't wanna walk any further with me. Well, fuck you. Ha! Yeah I said it. Fuck you. Cos that's the truth. And you can trust that. You're either on my side or you're on your side. Think it over.....

The worst thing is, I needed to write this to be able to let God work in me to just let this go. But it will probably lead to more friction.
I don't care. It will get me through right now. And right now is all I have to work with.
Truly, fully.....

The Psalm for Today:

red and orange or red and yellow

in which of these do you believe

if you’re not sure right now please take a moment

i need your signature before you leave

Because I need to know right now

I have no time for these games anymore

Want me, love me, trust me

or burn me now and walk out that door

when i sleep i’m usually dreaming

though more and more it’s only one

where every hired gun i’ve ever fired

is making love to you while i look on

You do the same things

I see it like you see it

but you see it like I see it

It's the same, minus the PAST

all fallen leaves should curse their branches

for not letting them decide where they should fall

and not letting them refuse to fall at all

Selah

digging up the root of my confusion

if no one planted it, then how does it grow

and why are some hell bent upon there being an answer

while some are quite content to answer i don’t know

When you care this much

yes dear, it hurts

The angle is never clear

Your emotions smother the view

all fallen leaves should curse their branches

for not letting them decide where they should fall

and not letting them refuse to fall at all

Amen

red = David Bazan

orange = David Herrera

Looking Ahead

A Brief Sermon from a Brief Sermon

I was relieved this morning to get a spiritual nugget from my father. Spending this weekend with my dad and his dad, ended up fairing out for the best. The 3 of us hung out yesterday all while playing fix it with my car. It was freezing cold and a tad frustrating at times. But we all bonded and I actually learned a lot about cars. But I am always craving the spiritual nugget. The one thing that is going to blow my brain and keep me chewing for a while.
Regular Sunday routine I suppose. Me trying to drink coffee while keeping my son entertained in the midst of a loud television with a random preaching from CTN. There are only 2 TV preacher people that influence me; Joseph Prince and Ann Burns. Anything else I see or listen to is merely to laugh and chuckle at. I like to listen to the Dr's and Reverends disect easy gospel fact and regulate their attendee's with fear. This morning was an English Baptist (yes there are baptist's in England!) pointing out 4 truths to his chruch that God told him to share. Now I don't doubt for a second that God gave this man these 4 truths. I just think this man forgot to ask God to elaborate on what he meant. I've done it. God gives an idea and I just start writing on it instead of asking God what He thinks about it. And so you get a truth and you mix it with some law and you get the blue brew. Let me explain....

The 1st Truth: God is always watching you!
This is very true. But watch how the human engulfed in law hears this. The Baptist Dr. of the Lord says, "Where were you this weekend? Who were you with? What did you see? GOD knows!" RAWGH!!!!! Now this is true. God DOES know all this. But this man used it as a fear tactic. God might as well be Santa! He knows when you are sleeping, He knows..... He knows... He knows.... You get where I'm going.
Of COURSE He knows! Otherwise we can't say He's all knowing. But why is that a bad thing? He is always watching me. He sees that I am struggling financially, that I am slowly drifting into old habits, that I am fighting with my wife, that I am depressed, lonely, hungry.... etc. He is watching and He sees me and He loves me and He is concerned. Better than that, He has created a way for me to get out. The problem is, I was raised to believe that not only is God watching me, but he also hates me. He hates what I do and who I have become. He's disappointed in me. So instead of running to him and saying, "Hey buddy, what's the answer here?" I run from him in fear so as not to anger him more. Like he lives in a volcano above the village that is my life, just waiting to spew his firey judgement on me.
This disturbs me so much. But when I mix this with Grace, suddenly I feel okay. I say, "Wow, right now, this sucks! Life is not exactly what i want it to be. Thank God He is watching me. He knows whats up and he knows the answer to get out. Should I keep heading this route or ask him whats up? Hmmmm!??!??

The 2nd Truth: Be Aware of The Lord's Coming!
This one was the nugget. The Dr. Pastor Baptist touted, "We must be aware of the Lord's coming! For we shall be raptured up, lest you be left behind due to your wickedness!" Whoa whoa whoa! Hardcore. That is defintely a truth from God, but when you mix it with the law.... well you get this shit.: BEWARE!!!!..... not Be aware.
Looking at this truth from a perspective of Grace I see, 'Be Aware of the Lord's Coming' as a past tense reference. As, "Be aware of the Lord's coming and what it meant!" Get it? Not be aware of the Lord's coming to eat your soul. The Lord came. Be aware, daily, of His coming and what it means. It means that you are free and free indeed. You no longer live under the fear of a law, you live under the light of the Son. Jesus coming again holds many mystery's, but one thing i know is this. Jesus will not return to this world to save it. He already did that. Jesus came and he saw and he conquered. He gave us health, prosperity, and, best of all, righteousness through his death. When he comes to this earth again, he will not be coming to save it, he will be coming to destroy it. And when he returns, how will you have spent your life? Will you have lived it to the fullest? Doubling what he gave you? (i.e. - The Parable of the Talents - Matthew 25:14-30; Luke 19:12-28) Or will you be like the wicked servant who went and hid his in the ground? Seriously! Are you enjoying what Christ gave you or have you buried it and sat around waiting for the 2nd coming?

I'm getting off track here. I suppose I could go on from there, but the other truths cannot be expressed here without me treading on the evangelical heel of heresy and I am not in the mood.

_______________________________________________________

Learning To Fly

In the past month I have suddenly been overwhelmed financially. I have succumb to the feeling of fed up. Fed up with being broke and grouchy for being broke. At times I feel the lack of money has spilled over into the list of fire starters within my marriage. Which sucks because I was raised with parents who never fought about money and my wife was raised with parents who always fought about money. So when we married, we agreed to never make money an object of argument.

Well, that has held to this day, but it definitely feels like the issue of money is definitely beginning to weigh in on the reasons we hate eachother. CORRECTION: I don't hate my wife, but i definitely feel hated. And do read in depth. I FEEL hated. Not actually am.

Regardless of what I am turning my feelings into, the reality is that I am feeling the tension. Nobody likes the feeling of constantly being broke. Nobody likes to hear, "No we can't get that because we don't have money." --- "They turned it off cos we didn't pay it...." --- "We can't eat cos I drank it away."

Refer to my previous script and here's where you find me. GOD! Damn it! I am done. Tell me again how to get out. This time I don't care. Whatever it takes.

My dad refered me some books. The first being, "The Richest Man In Babylon" Very interesting take on the scripts and tablets discovered from the greatest, richest civilization in history. Currently I am indulging my senses with the book "Live Rich". Again, very mezmorizing stuff on life, money and work.

What is funny to me though is how I would never imagine reading either of these books based merely on their titles. To me, "rich" and "richest" imply wealth. And in the country I live in, wealth is attained through capitolism. That is something i have a hard time with. But already I have learned this truth.

Just because the wealthy man is eating Prime Rib in his castle tonight does not mean that he is as happy as the man living in the shack eating a pot of beans.

Living Rich, as I have understood it is living life to the fullest and enjoying every day. That, I have tried to accomplish. My only hinderance is that sometimes my definition of 'full' or 'fullest' requires money.

So here I am at 30 retraining my brain to understand what RICH means. And what will it take to be financially stable enough to truly live RICH day in and day out?

Quite frankly, being rich to me means a lot of things. I do not even have the energy to type it out.

I DO know however that I must start changing immediate habits and luxuries. To attain money I must make money. To make money I must pay myself. Once I pay myself I can make more money. This will happen. I want to be the Robin Hood of these books and use the wealthy mans money to become rich.

My first steps have been to eliminate booze, TV, and Internet. Internet is readily available to me for free. No need to pay for it. TV is killing my brains and distracting me from my son. No need to let it continue robbing me. Booze? Don't get me started. Simple things that have taken their financial toll on me and have returned nothing but another year of debt. This is not a resolution or a band wagon folly. This is me taking control of my situation. This is me saying, "I will never borrow money again." This is my response to the option God has given me.

I don't want the mansion with a thousand rooms. I don't want the fancy cars and flat screen TV's. I just want to truly live rich with the balance of wealth, health and happiness. All things Jesus died for and gave to me. He became poor, sick and cursed so that I might enjoy the opposite. My change starts today.

Lyric

This is how the song would be sung today.... but I may change the lyrics to reflect the original intent:

Radical Amputation:

And when the sunlight finally kissed your eyes, "was it worth it?"

Cos all this talk talk talk about makin out
It's makin me, makin me wanna break it out
And shoot you in the face, watch you tumble down
Photograph all the blood spill from out your mouth
I thought I'd do you better to come back around
But by the time you read this, I will have left have town
Gone to El Porviner, waiting next to that well
On the phone or on a fax trying to make a sale

And when the sunlight finally kissed your eyes, "was it worth it?"
To sober up and see that all you missed was another debt and one more vagina to make you cringe?

Cos all we do anymore is just fuss n fight
The prize fighter broken down and it's not alright
Another empty year, another empty purse
And winners purging all their gold only makes it worse
Just Promise me that you can make it end
Or I will eat you whole and make you start again
If I am holding you back from the champions
Then pull the cord, roll my head & let me breathe again

It's over now (It's over)
Can't you see it? (Like me?)
This really is all it really is
And you really are all you really are

So when the sunlight finally kissed your eyes, was it worth it?
Under the influence, you see an unfortunate end. Where this has all been a distractions from getting you to close your eyes again....

I Am The Priest

INTRO: (Phone Tag)
The other night I was awaken by a screaming noise. These days it seems that is usually my son, but this time I could hear singing. I realized it was my phone ringing. I sprung from the bed and stumbled down the hallway. Anyone calling this late/early on a Sunday night/Monday morning must be in trouble. When I arrived at my phone I noticed I had missed a call from G. I usually get calls from G. at 2 in the morning on weekends when I know he's been rummaging towns with Sailor in hand (which is every weekend) and he just wants to say AHOY! But this is usually after we have already spoken through phone or text earlier in the night to concede yet another weekend drowned in the Sailor.

Worried, I called back immediately. No answer. Just voicemail. I called my phone to retrieve the voicemail he had left me. Needless to say I could tell within seconds that this call was the result of a bumped phone in the pocket of a drunk mate. I listened to a 10 minute long mumbled conversation and then went back to sleep. Of course G. got home hours later and noticed a missed call from me. After a days worth of phone tag, we finally connected to straighten out the whole mess. However, as I hung up the phone with my first mate, I realized that God works in mysterious ways.

When I am with G. it is Pints, Rum, Oracle, Occurrence and Foolery. The nights seem to linger, yet fly by so fast. But there are rare occasions when we have been able to focus on just one of these attributes with intensity. God chose Oracle for this recent phone call.

MEAT: (Value :: Values)
In the midst of private conversation, G. dove into a theory, nay, a truth of modern mythology. (Read here - Myth Building) In the ends of the conversation he dropped the line, We create our own values and we create our own value. I cannot say if he read that somewhere or if he graced it with his own brain, but it shook me.

I look at my life and I realize I am exactly what God knew I would be. He gave me the mind, spirit and soul to create myself. He new what I had to work with and he knew what I would do with it. If not so than his Omni-potence is void. And so my choice is to enjoy what I have created or changed it. It's my choice. Yes, He created me. But he created me to make myself. To give myself values and value. Understand the difference in verb just by adding the "s".

To me the "s" is Style. My value is put to work in my Style of living. My style of living reflects my valueS. And what made me smile was that G. made me realize that it is not I who should fear the cynics and the pharisees, yet it is they who should fear me!

In fact it was just Sunday at church that our morning class dove into a discussion about the prophecy of Simeon over Jesus on the 8th day after his birth when he said, "This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too." Luke 2:34,35

Jesus created his own value. And we value him to this day. But he also created his own values. He was probably the biggest let down to the Jewish community at that time in history since Moses turned meat into manna. They wanted the ultimate pharisee. The ultimate leader/prophet/puppet this side of the Red Sea. Yet, Jesus was not content to be restricted to their values. He chose his own. And though he hung with hookers and losers, he became the reason I live.

So what is MY value? What are MY values....

THE DIVE: (92 P.R.O.O.F.)
I hang with the 1%. We are pirates, thief's and vagabonds. Roaming the seas of life bragging on our treasure and enjoying the excess of it. Tis true! We did not discover this treasure on our own. It was given to us by the greatest Pirate, the biggest rebel of them all. He gave us this treasure and told us to create value to our path, love all, be free, help others and above all.... enjoy life.

I am 92 Proof. We are few, yet we are strong. My first mate is captain and I am proud to be on this broken vessel of a ship. Yo Ho! There are jesters, scientists, mad men, and me. Me? I am the priest. Can you believe that? Of everyone.... I deem myself the priest. Does it scare you? It shouldn't.

Because while the "believers" of the world are scared, hungry, dying and bitter. We sail on high seas, enjoying life among the Pints Rum Oracle Occurrence and Foolery.

Blessings to the Blessed

Lyric

LOVE IS A BAZOOKA

Ain't it funny how we've all been weeping
Same old story of the GREAT big let down
Under bridges of the lines and the dots
Shocked about what you found out now

But, I could blow it up, with my Bazooka
You could blow it up, with your Bazooka
We could blow it up with a Bazooka
Oh, how will blow it up with our Bazooka
Cos we all know love is a Bazooka!

Ain't it strange how we always end up here?
You did it to me again and I'm scared to think...
Can you imagine if I hadn't stopped you?
These days all it takes is the wink
One dry spell of the rum and the germs
Let me guess, You ran into that wall again?
But there were guarantees this round!
If you don't cut the rope, they pull you back in

But I can kill them with my Bazooka
And you can kill them with my Bazooka
We'll kill em all, with my Bazooka
We'll rise and fall, with my Bazooka
Cos we all know love's a Bazooka!

The envelope you passed me yesterday contained a curious scent.

(Why can't we just be friends and get along?)
I can tell by the way you've been looking at me lately that you want out

(I find myself quite fond of the way you wish you were dead)
Of course I love you pretty eyes, it's just that you make me absolutely miserable

(Surely you know I jest.... in regards to my happiness that is)
And you know I wouldn't say I hate you if it wasn't true. Because I love you

(You know I have never said I loved you because I I hate you so much)

And here I am again, gun in hand
A shiny toy full of love to wipe that smile off your face
I consider taking you out every now and then
Which one to use tonight? the pencil or the pen?

I wish I had the balls of a Bazooka
I wish I had the heart of a Bazooka
I wish i had the will of a Bazooka
I wish I had the love of a Bazooka
I want to kill you with my Bazooka
You cannot get away from my Bazooka
Cos I will trail you with my Bazooka
And I will thrill you with my Bazooka