Further Seems Forever

So I had the term, "How To Start A Fire" stuck in my head. It's been there a while.

Then my friend M.Spear texted me from SXSW in Austin last week.

"Just passed the Gallows stage. Thought of you."

Probably should have made me want to hear the Gallows.

But for reasons that only he and 2 others would understand.

It made me want to listen to FURTHER SEEMS FOREVER's "How To Start A Fire" album.

So I have been listening to it a lot lately. If you do not own this album, go buy it, download it, steal it, whatever...

Jason Gleason was a singer I aspired to be, especially after seeing the band live. It's sad that he only stuck out the one album with the band. For those who are unfamiliar with the band. Or to the old bastards. (G. and J.) Ex-Members of Strongarm reassemble and form an EMO band. I mean, what 90's Hardcore band didn't do that. But these guys did it well.... did it right! Anyways their first album was eh... cos their singer was Chris Carraba. And I like him... I think i own a Dashboard Confessional album.... but it was whiny, not emotional. Then, he left and in steps Jason Gleason, who I feel has one of the most amazing vocal ranges.

Anyways, I was on the treadmill Friday morning since the town was on a 2 hour delay and I was listening to the album. Here are some thoughts I had while listening to the album.

Track 1: "let's set this city ablaze.... we could start a fire (we could start a fire) and all shine in its light shine so bright we burn in eyes and heal the stories ending."

We are all talk and no walk. We all talk about revolution. Living better. Living different. Living above the fray. But we are still too drunk to get up off the floor. We are like all my neighbors. Manana, manana!

Track 2: "The sound now turns to silence But I keep spinning around Naked in the rain of my own tears As they fall into the bucket of your apologies."

Sometimes its easier to face life if we try to drown out or silence the volume of reality. But despite what we want to believe is true. We are subject to reality. And it screams everyday. The trick is to live louder than the noise of life.

Track 3: "Awake in this cold cell... I am my only devil Why can't I be you and put those hands away. I go through this everyday..."

I heard this so many times, but until G. said it, it did not become a realization. I, Me, THIS. Lucifer is a fading shadow. The devil I fear is my own evil.

Track 4: "Everybody's waiting for that something they can hold onto while tripping over our own words to self-dug graves for an excuse to fall Because every failure's just as sweet as the last."

At some point I will have to just realize that Jesus died not so that I would be perfect, but because I will never be perfect.

Track 5: "I am the water, I am waves crashing onto you I am the blank wave, I am the madness, the loss, the dark, the hunt, the cage, the race..."

To me this is a song that is sung by the ONE. I just love it that he is the madness..... and he is redemption..... and desire for obligation. Ha!

Track 6: "Of beautiful and sacred things and your immaculate disguise I'm trading it in. I'm trading it in for my pride war emblem."

Nuff said. Oi?

Track 7: "Summer is gone, and winter is never too far now And my poor arms (my arms are aching) outstretched so long that my bones are now breaking. But there you come with a smile that'd send any man to his knees..."

It's that she that we all have. Or that we long to have. If SHE reads this... then she knows. She knows. If only I would have known so many years ago.....

Track 8: "A moment in separation the foreground don't seem so bright. These angels in my head are in between the shadow and the light."

Incinserity as an artform.. You can't elaborate on that.

Track 9: "I might not wake up next to you excuses, excuses, excuses, excuses make excuses for eating your young let's lick the wounds and find out where we came from when copperas has faded I hope you'll still be by my side this is not dystrophy but desire , desire for comfort in the dark call me a mockingbird and it's done."

By far my favorite track of the whole album..... and I can't write why for fear of the sound.

Track 10: "cut out my eyes to spite my heart. wish for sleep, but never stopping. assignments pile up."

Someday.... someday the sleep will return and I will rest. Rest awaits us all, but we remain restless. Maybe because we choose to.

If you read this.... thank you for indulging me. Now go listen to the album and be inspired.

Everyone's Got A Drug

My hands hurt.
I have wounds from splinters, loose nails and randomness.
My palms are sore from tearing apart old doors, frames and shelves.
Shelves.

The new crib I have had the joy of refurbishing and remodeling has been an absolute blessing. I don't doubt that God brought me exactly where I need to be. Still....
Shelves.

The guy who owned this pad (God Rest His Soul) loved shelves. He had them hanging everywhere. I should have taken pictures of all the shelves, but damn.... I am too busy taking em down.

He had a shelf. Added another, then another, and another and so on.
At some point he figured out that it costs money to buy the Home Depot shelves. So he started building his own shelves. The first one wasn't great, but it worked. He could set stuff on it. WOW! Then he built another. By the fifth shelf he had mastered the art. He began building shelves anywhere and everwhere he could. He started building makeshift sheds in order to build more and more shelves. SHELVES!!!!!

Everyone's got a drug.......

Mine? MUSIC.
I need it. At all times. If there is none near, damn it I will sing. When I get into my vehicle I have to make sure that the music is adjusted just right and that the music fits the tone of the trip before I leave. I will be late to events when I have a child because by the time i get her settled and then adjust the music..... yikes.

But I don't care. i love music. It gets me through the day. It motivates me, heals me, makes me laugh, makes me sing, relaxes me, stimulates me, helps me get the job done, helps me unwind, makes sex more enjoyable, gets my feet moving, etc.......

So like always, Friday night came and I needed to unwind from the work week. Great week, shitty Friday. The Bug-Nug and I stopped by La Fiesta to grab a bite. Sitting there waiting for my food I hear the faint echoes of a guitar intro that sounds so familiar...... I leave the table in search for where it is coming from. Walking around the restaurant like an idiot. Sure enough, the restaurant is playing the radio, and by some incredible genius, that radio is blasting out "Calling On You" by Stryper. I immediately know that I have to call my brother and tell him. Dude loves Stryper and got me to fall in love. They are my only Hair Metal vice.

After dinner, we went in search of "The Nasty Casty" as my pal Ray calls it. It's a bar on the edge of town called "Castandetta's", but at the time i thought it was "Castanuela's", and to the readers of this blog..... if I texted you "CASTANUELA'S!" My apologies.

Just a scrub bar in an old hotel that reminded me of The Cervantes in Denver except with more character. It was open mic night. We sat there listening to a guy playing guitar and keeping rhythm for himself with his feet on drums. It was entertaining enough, enough to keep us there for a while anyways.

But then the next group got set up. Just 3 old dudes that like to jam out and one young guy who looked like he just got outta work. They started up and I immediately knew I was going to be sitting here for a while. Old guy sitting on the drum stool surrounded by way too many drums for what he needed to play, Older guy singing real rough like he was Johnny Lee Hooker playing the guitar with a slider (oh baby), and Oldest guy standing on the side of the stage, looking so drunk that he was about to tip over, playing a harmonica like nobody's business. Then there was Young Guns, as I like to call him, standing in the back, setting rhythm on the bass. Looking relieved. Like, 'I had a long week.... but fuck it, I am here now. That is all that matters.'

Let me explain Young Guns. He looked about 24/25. Probably works at a mechanics shop here in town. Not real good looking in the face, but there's something about him that makes you wanna meet him. Probably the nicest guy you'll ever meet. No dad. This kid doesn't have a father. But his Mom's brother was his father figure. Not much of one, but enough that he use to let Young Guns hang out with him in his garage while he souped up his 84 Camaro. Uncle would teach him the mechanics of an engine and what makes a car fly. They would listen to Jimi Hendrix and Santana. Young Guns would watch Uncle smoke, what he thought were cigarettes, with his buddies and just talk about how Hendrix was a legend and how it was a shame he was dead. Uncles best friend Sam could play guitar. Sam played really good. Young Guns fell in love. Uncle took note. At 13, Young Guns got a gift from his Uncle. El Guitarra! Nothing special, just a generic fender with a small amp. But Young Guns thought it was the world. At some point Uncle fades away. Not jail. Maybe just met the wrong woman and ends up being in a controlled situation. Sam.... Sam is a pot head by now, even experiments with a little coke here and there. But it's cool, Young Guns is stable enough by now. Mom is a good mom. Raises him to be a good young man. So Young Guns grows up listening to Hendrix, Santana, Hooker, various hair metal groups, Metallica, etc.

Young Guns becomes a genius on the guitar without knowing it. And because he lives in such a small town in the middle of nowhere. He never realizes it. Ends up working week in, week out, at the local Auto Repair shop. His only release is the strength of the neck of his guitar in his left palm. And somehow, througha friend of a friend, he gets invited to play bass guitar for a band of foggies who like to jam out and play blues. He jumps at it. And so every week. On Friday night. He plays with the house band at The Nasty Casty. And he longs for that one moment....

We sat there and watched Young Guns. Hands still full of oil. Work shirt stained. Hair frazzled, trying to be contained by his hat. He set down the bass guitar and humbly switched intruments with Older Guy. He fiddled with the guitar a little. Adjusting the volume. Loosening his sore hands up to the instrument. And they started the 2nd half of the set.

I cannot explain to you what happened. But the next 30 minutes was like a dream. We watched Young Guns make love to the guitar. The rhythm section did there job and set 3 Chord tones for the evening so that Young Guns could make the guitar melt. His eyes closed, we watched him tell a story through that guitar. Solo after solo, he made that guitar scream his story. Father where are you, Uncle I miss you..... Momma, I love you.

At some point I closed my eyes and tryed to not be overwhelmed by how good he was. I thought about my week. I thought about my day. It didn't matter anymore. It was over. I remembered that tomorrow has its own set of worries. I could feel his soul (only if this is your drug can you understand) and I swear to God, if I hadn't submitted to my pride, I would have cried. It was there....

And I think now of The Beatles singing, "... while my guitar gently weeps."

Yeah that's real.

Everyone's Got A Drug.

When They Really Get to Know You, They Will Run

"Then we can pretend it's natural...."

::immediately on a side note:: I just found out that one of my favorite artists David Bazan is doing a House Show Tour. Yea.... playing houses. Not gonna be near me though. He'll be in Boulder and FoCo in April. Sad face.... Anyways.

I was thinking a lot about love on my drive back from Greeley yesterday. It seems like every song that came up on my LDN mix on my I-Pod was a love song of some sort. Even the song "Love Rhymes with Hideous Car Wreck" by the Blood Brothers came on..... I don't even know how that song made it in that mix.

Love is a pretty amazing thing. But it can also torment you. Think of Jesus. There he is, sitting on the hill that overlooks Jerusalem, heartbreaking, "Oh my poor Jerusalem.... you had the son of God among you and you rejected him." That love drove him to die for humanity. But than I think of the love that God has for me. A good love. A love for all of us. One that said, I don't want these people to suffer anymore. I love them so much, i will give up my son for them. Whoa!

So much went through my head on my drive. It was a beautiful drive. Once I hit New Mexico, the skies did what they always do and they created the best clouds ever. i love the clouds in this state. They are the best. Since the first time I crossed the state line, I have always loved the clouds here.

I stopped thinking about falling into Love and started thinking about how to identify TRUE Love. I started thinking about my daughter. She's on her way.... she's making her debut soon. I have never met her. I talk to her all the time and I try to hug her. I am making her a playlist to listen to while she waits to come out. I would die for her, I would kill for her. And I have never met her. It's madness.

I think about my sister in laws boyfriend. Sometimes I wonder if he loves his son.... my nephew. I mean, we all love to a degree I am sure, but i wonder if he LOVES that kid. He wasn't even in the delivery room when the kid was born. The kid once pee'd his pants right in front of him and he started lauging at the kid. WTF? He's young... I get it, but still. Something has got to make you snap, right?

My wife told me that she thinks i inspired the dude to start fixing up his house. He saw me getting handy on my new pad and apparently suddenly started fixing ish at his place. That's funny. I started thinking.... well, i bet i can get this kid to be a better dad. He'll see the way I love on my daughter and he'll wanna step up his game. He's a jock, he's a chad, he's a frat boy. He likes the competition. "Anything you can do i can do better..." you know - that shit.

And mark my words. It WILL happen. I know it. i have watched him do it with me anywhere we go. He watches me and then he desires to beat me at it. The better fisher, snowboarder, fire starter, rubix cube finisher..... whatever. And so that's cool. Maybe him stepping up his game will make my sister in law like him more. But....

The problem still exists. Doing something out of love is a lot different than doing it out of competition. What happens when he becomes a better father than me (Ha.... have to laugh on that one), but still.... So he conquers the good dad/good husband thing. I know what will happen. He'll stop. Okay, i beat you.... next!

He needs to learn.... Ha, I heard that song on my playlist yesterday too --- "THE HARDEST THING YOU'LL EVER LEARN IS JUST TO LOVE AND BE LOVED IN RETURN!!"

You can't love others until you love yourself. You can't give what you don't have. And sometimes love of self is hard. Especially when you know who you are. So for my sister in laws boy.... I mean, he's talked to me about it. He hates life sometimes and he hates where he is at. He is unhappy with the truck he has and unhappy in the trailer he lives in. That's rough stuff.

Maybe I can love him. I'll love him so much he will try and love himself more than I do. By the time he figures it out he will be a new person.

I thought a lot about love yesterday on my drive home.

The scariest thing to me was realizing this:

She knows me. She knows who I am. I have never been able to hide anything from her. I spill it out without thinking. So i assume that at the first chance of seperation.... she'll run. I was expecting it. I was waiting for it. But she didn't run. We sit and we talk and it's like nothing ever stopped. And even though i think TIME WILL TELL.... I think maybe it will die out. I am scared and excited all at once at the thought that it will only increase. That's a lot to try and swallow.

But I am learning not to think all that ish through to much. Just let it be what it is today and go to sleep saying, "Today, it is what it is. And I am happy for it."

It's best though when these things are confirmed by God.

As my drive was wrapping to an end. I saw his hand in the sky. Almost as if to say, "Lee, it's gonna be okay!"

Or he was giving New Mexico bunny ears. Either way, he made me smile yesterday and that's why I love him.

Life Without The Apple

I love apples. The are usually my favorite fruit, save the few times the orange comes in to reign for sporadic times in the year.

It is disturbing to me that in pictures and in plays regarding the forbidden fruit of the Garden of Eden: The fruit of the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, they always use an apple. I even think I have heard sermons where the priest or pastor has actually referred to Eve taking a bite of the apple.

That said....

I have been wondering about this "Knowledge of Good and Evil"

J. will tell you that the events that took place in Garden of Eden, and quite possibly the garden itself, is more likely a folktale passed down by Jewish fathers to their children to better explain how man screwed up. (I am not sure on his theory completely because it was merely something I heard him speak briefly between pizza and homemade beer at church one saturday afternoon).

Nonetheless, whatever your thoughts are regarding the Garden. One truth remains.

At some point in time.
In some significant way.
Humans, created by God...
discovered that they had an evil inside of them.

And for lack of a better way to say it, I believe God has an evil side to him. Or at least I know that he holds evil inside. He has to, otherwise how did we get it? We were made in his image.... in his likeness.

Don't get me wrong, I believe that nothing but good comes from God. God does not hate anyone, I don't care what Slayer says. (Oh shit.... Tom Araya is at my front door! --- Sorry a little Slayer humor) Still, God has evil. He has everything. But he is God, so he knows how to control the evil.

Now, I have established in past blogs my evolving process of understanding about how finite the devil is. The devil as in Lucifer. Even more so, devils and demons and such. Listen, I believe they have the power to possess and torment, I do. In my younger years when my beliefs and my tongue gave power to them I watched them possess friends of mine. I ran youth groups where at times we had to cast out demons. I have been physically overpowered by girls half my size who were possessed, i have sat on a persons body with 10 other people to try and hold them down as the demons squirmed in his flesh.... I could go on; however, I am not trying to boast that. If I knew then what I know now, those things -- those situations would never have escalated like that. I digress...

The knowledge of good and evil --- the knowledge of evil is not to be confused with Satan, devils or demons. I have evil inside of me. I know about it. I know what's right and what's wrong. Not because someone wrote me a book about whats right and wrong, but because as I grew up in my body I grew up in my mind and I began to see the world around me. And as I grew in body I grew in my knowledge of what was good and what was evil.

The devil did not come to me as he came to those in the garden or even as he came to Jesus when he tempted him for 40 days. Lucifer would not waste his time, because he knows that humans do not need his help discovering what evil is.

Mira:
Romans 1:28-32
28 Since they thought it foolish to acknowledge God, he abandoned them to their foolish thinking and let them do things that should never be done. 29 Their lives became full of every kind of wickedness, sin, greed, hate, envy, murder, quarreling, deception, malicious behavior, and gossip. 30 They are backstabbers, haters of God, insolent, proud, and boastful. They invent new ways of sinning, and they disobey their parents. 31 They refuse to understand, break their promises, are heartless, and have no mercy. 32 They know God’s justice requires that those who do these things deserve to die, yet they do them anyway. Worse yet, they encourage others to do them, too.

Notice the line I highlighted. Who is inventing the sin? Not demons. Read the full context. Humans. Men and Women alike. ME. WE. We invent our sins.
You know that saying, "It's only a law because some ass hole did it."
Well...
People think God came down and gave the Ten Commandments and set a standard for Adam and Eve. The Ten Commandments were given somewhere between 1300 and 1700 BC depending on who you talk to. Without going into too much detail.... basically, man was messing up well before those laws were dropped. If you read further in the specific laws decreed unto man in The Pentateuch (first 5 books of the bible) you read plainly that Man has been perverting the ways of life for a long time. I mean, if you gotta tell people not to stick their thang thangs in mens butts or livestock.... I mean... WTF Chuck? But read it. It's there. Can you imagine God.... I mean its funny really. Think about a father watching their child. The kid doesn't know that the dad is watching him. So he opens the gum wrapper and starts chewing the gum. Dad thinks, 'He knows he shouldn't be eating gum, where did he get that gum?' Then the dad watches the son pull the gum out and play with it... the gum ends up in his hair, the boy starts crying, dad intervenes. I can see God in the same situation, only he's looking down at a sheep herder out alone in the pasture one night watching the sheep. Then watches as the sheep herder attempts to rob a lamb of its virginity. God had to have been like, "Wait... what the... HEY!!! What the heck are you doing!?!?!? NO NO NO!!!!!" So God had to come down and give rules about it. Man should not be with man, man should not be with livestock, man should not be with hand, etc.

The knowledge of evil.

I have, for sometime now, been trying to control my evil. I used to blame it on the devil. The devil made me do it, the devil tempted me.... blah blah blah. But the Devil has no power over me. I gave my heart to Christ. He holds it and I am now a child of God, nothing can change that. The word of God says that demons tremble at the name of Jesus. So what am I afraid of. What sickness, what debt, what trouble can hold me down?

Yet, while I say I gave my heart to Christ... what I mean is I have committed my spirit to Christ. My flesh belongs to the world. Not because it has too, but because in the sense of what "HEART" means. I give my heart to this world and the things that please my evil everyday. And I know this.

It is an amazing thing this knowledge of Good and Evil.

I do good all day long. Ask my wife. Ask my friends.
I know I try and do good to them and for them.
I have a knowledge of what is good and what being good to them means.
And they have learned to love me for the good I do.

But I also have this evil inside of me.
It makes me think evil things.
Or I let it allow me to think evil things.
And I plot evil sometimes.
And I do evil things sometimes.

But I understand this today.
Because I am HIS. Because I belong to the ONE.
Abba Father, Jehovah Jireh, YHWH, the Alpha and the Omega.
I am not BAD.
I am not evil.

My buddy always has to tell me, "We're good" when I mess up.
And that's what I am with God.
Good. Not because I do good things, but because God is good and he does good things and he DID a good thing.
This is love. To screw up with someone repeatedly and they can look at you and say, "We're good. Not because I don't think you'll ever screw up again or because I don't think you'll ever drop the ball again, but because I love you and you are mine!"

This knowledge of good and evil.
THE APPLE.

It's an interesting thing to understand.
The devil DID make me do it.
Yes, I can say this.
But only when I am looking in the mirror.

-tryingtofindabalance

find this song and download it.
"Letter From God": Dan Le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip
Hey There, how, how’s it going?
Long time no see.
I know I haven’t been around much lately
But…it didn’t seem like you wanted me to be
The last time I sent down a message you nailed it to the cross
So I figured I’d just leave you to it, let you be your own boss
But I’ve been keeping an eye on you, I have, and it’s amazing how you’ve grown.
With your technological advances and the problems you’ve overthrown,
And all the beautiful art you’ve created with such grace and such finesse,
But I admit there are a few things I’m afraid have impressed me less.
So I’m writing to apologize for all the horrors committed in my name,
Although that was never what I intended, I feel I should take my share of the blame.
All the good I tried to do was corrupted when organised religion got into full swing,
What I thought were quite clear messages were taken to unusual extremes.
My teachings taken out of context to meet the agendas of others,
Interpretations taken to many different ways and hidden meanings discovered
Religion became a tool, for the weak to control the strong
With all these new morals and ethics, survival of the fittest was gone
No longer could the biggest man simply take whatever he needed
‘cause damnation was the price if certain rules were not heeded
Some of the deeds committed in my name just made me wonder were I went wrong.
Back at the start when I created this, the foundation seemed so strong.
See all the elements were already here, long before I began, I just kind of put it all together
I didn’t really think out a long-term plan.
I made the sun an appropriate distance and laid the stars across the sky
So you could navigate the globe or simply watch the sun rise
I covered the earth with plants and fruits,
Some for sustenance and some for beauty
I made the sun shine and the clouds rain so their maintenance wasn’t your duty
I tried to give each creature its own attributes without making them enveloped
I gave you all your own space to grow and in your own way space to develop
I didn’t know such development would cause rifts and jealousy
Cause you go to war against each other and leave marks on this planet indelibly
You see, I wasn’t really the creator, I was just the curator of nature
I want to get something straight with homosexuals right now: I don’t hate ya
I was a simple being that happened to be the first to wield such powers
I just laid the ground, it was You that built the towers
It was You that invented bombs, and the fear that comes with them
And it was You that invented money, and the corrupt economic systems
You invented terms like just-war and terms like friendly fire
And it was You that didn’t know when to stop digging deeper, when to stop building higher
It was You that exhausted the resources I carefully laid out on this earth,
And it was You that even saw these problems coming but accredited them little worth
It was You that used my teachings for your own personal gain
And it was You that committed such tragedies, even though they were in my name
So I apologize for any mistakes I made, and when my words misconstrued
But this apology’s to mother nature, cause I created you